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September 15, 2009 12:01 am | 33 Comments
Dear guy at the gym who got on the elliptical next to me last Friday: Yes, I stopped exercising as soon as I smelled shit and I’m pretty sure you shit yourself while you were over there lifting weights. You have shit in your pants. Check it before you wreck it.
The other day while bra shopping, the overly friendly store clerk complimented me on one of the bras I picked out. “This bra is great since it doesn’t feel like your Grandma’s bra.” I told her that’s good since my grandma is dead and she just stared at me like I had a second head. I guess I’m not as funny as I think.
I can never remember when to use affect/effect and it drives me nuts. I used to know the difference but my brain has turned to mush since having kids and all grammar rules have gone out the window. Who knew popping out kids would affect/effect me like this?
Last week at the gym, I kept accidentally reaching for the swinging arm thingies on the elliptical next to mine. The lady on that machine didn’t look amused, even though I was pretty much offering to go in halvsies on her workout.
I no longer make my 2 1/2 year old happy. He recently declared that he loves Miss Sam (his swim teacher) and that “Miss Sam makes me happy!”. That’s all well and good but when I asked him if I make him happy, he told me no.
Something funky has been going on with my scalp lately and it itches when I exercise. You’ll recognize me as the freaky girl at the gym scratching the hell out of my scalp like I’m patient zero in the latest head lice outbreak.
Does anybody else get slightly uncomfortable while watching the new McDonalds commercial? The guy is basically molesting a gas pump. I feel like a pervert when I watch it.
This guy is a moron. A hilarious moron. If you have a minute, watch the video as this dude smashes his fucking car through a store window to steal a sex toy.33 Comments | Permalink
Tags: Random Tuesday Thoughts
I survived my first bloggy meet up relatively unscathed, although one of my bloggy pals did bring can of mace “just in case”. Lucky for me, I was on my best behavior and didn’t give her a reason to use it.
Any trepidations I had about meeting these cool chicks were quickly forgotten and we were soon cackling like old friends. Seriously, think of that tampon commercial where the chicks are all sitting around gabbing and laughing hysterically. That was us. We grabbed lunch and headed to a nearby bowling alley to show off our mad skillz. Believe me, we have none when it comes to bowling but still, we documented the event:
After we bowled, we headed off to grab some dessert where I got called a “fudgeater” on more than one occasion. Can you believe the audacity of some bloggers to say shit like that the first time they meet someone? Me neither. For the record, I kept my potty mouth to a minimum. Of one swear per minute. Anything over that and I would have had to start charging.
Here we are waiting to come down off of our sugar high. We spent a few hours camped out at that candy store heckling the help and even scored some free caramel apples out of the deal. I think I may have proposed to the poor guy after he gave us free food but who knows what comes out of my mouth when I’m high on sugar.
One added bonus of the trip was that I got to meet Jen’s husband John and the infamous Sprite (who is every bit as adorable in real life). I told Jen in advance that I wasn’t going if the trip didn’t include me learning Sprite’s true identity. I did and I’m not sharing. I have to say that John’s princess knowledge was impressive and I plan on having him tutor me if Elliot ever steers toward the evil realm of princesses.
Time got away from us and before we knew it, it had been seven hours. The Bear and I both had 2 1/2 hour drives ahead of us so we parted ways with the promise to meet again. I arrived home to find the house and Jamie’s sanity both in tact which is basically an open invitation for me to go off on bloggy retreats more often.
Thanks for the great meet up, guys. I had a blast and plan on doing it again soon. You guys busy next weekend?
33 Comments | Permalink
We were going to be famous, I just knew it. I was only eight and my brother ten when the chance of a lifetime fell into our laps. Our friend Demetri’s dad owned a local night club and had agreed to let us perform on stage. All we needed to do was learn and rehearse a song. The night club had real live radio commercials so to my eight year old self, they were the shit. I was sure a talent agent would see us perform and scoop us right up.
We settled on the popular Dionne Warwick cover “That’s What Friends Are For”. Every day after school, the three of us met in Demetri’s living room and belted out the cheesy tune. We donned those big puffy headphones while we sang our hearts out. I remember doing the Stevie Wonder head sway during my solo and pouring everything I had into it. The truth is, we were all horrible but we thought we were the coolest kids in town.
My brother and I kept our big performance secret from everyone, even our parents. We were going to wow them on the night of our show and blow them away. A week before the big event, we found out that Demetri was a lying bastard who had made the entire thing up. His dad had never agreed to the show and didn’t even know we existed. Demetri pulled stunts like that all the time and I should have known better then to trust that evil fucker but still, I was heartbroken.
I never did get the chance to perform that song we’d worked so hard on. In fact, I never performed anywhere again. I’ve never even done karaoke. Although my singing voice is horrible, I still belt out the tunes for my kids whenever I get the chance. Hell, maybe I’ll invest in some singing lessons and then perform my childhood song on American Idol. You guys would vote for me, right?
Today’s post was in participation with this week’s Spin Cycle Topic of talent. Check out Sprite’s Keeper to join the fun!
Tags: Spin Cycle
Elliot loves drawing and coincidentally, eating chalk.25 Comments | Permalink
Tags: Wordless Wednesday
September 8, 2009 12:01 am | 35 Comments
We recently picked up a bag of fake bugs at the Dollar Store. The kids love pretending there’s a bug crawling on them but they look a little too real for my taste. I have only let out a girlish scream ten maybe twenty times upon encountering one on the kitchen floor.
I gave our elliptical to my brother since I never use it. The problem is that Graham’s morning poop ritual involved climbing on the elliptical while he took a dump. I guess we’ll be driving 45 minutes to my brother’s every morning so he can take care of business.
While mowing the lawn this weekend, a bee landed on my shirt. I freaked out and swerved like I could somehow drive AWAY from the bee on my chest. I narrowly avoided driving the riding mower through the screen into the pool.
It really bugs me that all animals in cartoons are the same size. Like Mickey and Minnie are mice but they’re the same size as Goofy. Oh, and Goofy and Pluto are both dogs but Pluto doesn’t talk and Goofy does. Where’s the consistency? Also, where are these kid’s parents? None of the cartoon characters ever have parents and they’re always acting like little assholes and getting into trouble.
I’m an accidental gym eavesdropper. People are just so damn loud that I can’t not overhear their conversations. Last week I heard a woman crying on the phone to her mom about her cheating husband and the following day, I heard an FBI agent recount a tale of his week long stakeout ending in his kicking down a hotel door and apprehending a suspect before the swat team even showed up. My gym has more drama than TNT.
I think I’ll stay home today so I don’t have to hear Obama’s speech. HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA. I’m sorry but you’re a nutjob if you’re keeping your kids home today. The end.
Elliot has mastered pushing our buttons. She goes after Graham all day, every day and tackles/bites/pulls his hair. Then Graham screams and fights back until the two of them go at it WWE style and require constant chaperoning. I can’t walk away from them for ten seconds without someone getting piledrived.
I keep accidentally lawnfucking our neighbor. You know, when you mow your lawn shortly after them but use a lower setting and make theirs look like it needs to be mowed again. It’s no wonder those people don’t talk to us but I kind of like it that way.35 Comments | Permalink
Tags: Random Tuesday Thoughts
Welcome to month 12 of Club HASAY! Not sure what HASAY is? Read all about it here.
Holy shit you guys, this month marks one year since HASAY’s inception. I actually don’t feel so great about that fact since I’m still sitting in the general weight range as I was this time last year. Shame shame, I know your name. It’s Casey.
I recently got the all clear from my surgeon to start working out again. I eased back into things by working out once that first week. Last week I got so disgusted with my lack of energy and motivation that I worked out like a mofo. The kids started school so I managed to make it to the gym five days. Jamie and I even met up for a “date” at the gym, where he schooled me in racquetball.
I’m going to make a confession here: I love going to the gym. Please don’t have me committed. I’m feeling good about this new routine and I plan on sticking with it. Here’s hoping I have some impressive results to share with you in next month’s post.18 Comments | Permalink
August 31, 2009 11:36 pm | 37 Comments
I have E.T. toes. My second toes on both feet are freakishly long and resemble that adorable little extraterrestrial. They’re always trying to get Elliot to phone home.
I think I’m going through “the change” since I’ve been having hot flashes and my showers no longer stick.
I’ve been contemplating becoming a headband person but I’m not sure if I can pull off the look. I did a practice headband run on Saturday but it just didn’t feel right. I go through this “wanna wear a headband” phase once every few years but it never works.
Several people have recently gotten to my site by searching for “fuck you.com” and that makes me proud.
Jamie gets as excited as a kid on Christmas when the new BOGO list goes live on our grocery store’s website. I’ve mentioned this before but I just can’t stop saying BOGO. BOGOBOGOBOGO.
Four hours. That’s the amount of time Jamie and I spent on Saturday night wiping, sorting and disinfecting every fucking toy our kids own. Then we got rid of about 1/4 of their toys and you can’t even tell. What a super way to spend a Saturday night together, no?
Project Toy Clean And Purge was in response to the nasty ass stomach virus that worked it’s way though our family last week. Seriously, children and adults alike, spewing from both ends. I’ll stop there but we’re fine now, thanks. Our toys (and intestines) are squeaky clean.
So I’m going bald. Don’t laugh. Ok, laugh a little but then stop. Seriously. Apparently, a small percentage of people start losing hair several weeks after going under anesthesia and I fall into that lucky percentage. While I’m not actually bald bald, I’m losing a fuckload of hair daily and I might have to start doing the Donald Trump combover soon. Don’t worry, it’s a temporary condition and you won’t be able to laugh at me forever. At least not for that.
We had Sloppy Joe’s for dinner last night. Then I went to the gym and proceeded to regret said Sloppy Joe’s for the duration of my workout. I also had the Lunch Lady song in my head the entire time. Ah, I love Adam Sandler.
Last week at the grocery store, someone knocked a box of cereal off of the shelf as we were walking by. The thud of the cereal landing must have sounded like a fart since Graham screamed “DON’T FART, DADDY!”. He repeated this phase several times over the next two aisles. Smart kid, Daddy should not fart. Ever.37 Comments | Permalink
Tags: Random Tuesday Thoughts
About this time last year, I quietly tiptoed into the blogosphere. At first I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to publish words like “fuckety-fuck-fuck” but you all know I eventually worked through my qualms and let my inner potty mouth fly. I have the Google search records to prove it.
I wrote my first post after dropping a twenty-month old Graham off at school on his first day. Elliot was only four months old and that day seems like an eternity ago. Tomorrow I’ll be dropping a two-and-a-half year old Graham and a sixteen month old Elliot for their first day at school. Then I’m heading back home to enjoy nine kid free hours a week to blog in silence. My prediction is that I’ll get about two posts into it before the school calls and I have to head back to pick up a screaming Elliot. Girlfriend does not do well without her parents.
So here’s to a year of blogging and the new pals I’ve met along the way. You guys are the best and you help me get through the tantrum-filled days. Here’s to a few more years and all that sappy crap.28 Comments | Permalink
Tags: Spin Cycle
This process was repeated about twenty more times.26 Comments | Permalink
Tags: Wordless Wednesday
Yes, it’s true… I haven’t posted since last week’s RTT. I’m not feeling very writey lately so bear with me while I get my bloggy mojo back. Blogging is like a window to my soul, you can tell if I’m busy or stressed or angry or whatever based on my posting schedule and the amount of fucking (I mean bow-tying) curse words in each post. This week I’m feeling cloudy with a chance of rain.
Graham has recently developed a British accent. I’m not sure where this came from but it’s hilarious to hear him say “Mummy, what are you doing?” and “Dah-dee, where are you?”. I’m thinking of teaching him a German accent next.
I’m strangely fascinated with the new show “The Fresh Beat Band” on Nick. I hate them but I can’t not watch when their commercials come on.
Our dogs have an Arnold Swarchenegger chew toy which Graham has recently adopted as his own. Last night, I got to watch as Arnold intentionally dove off of the top of a chair, dresser and crib while Graham narrated, “Oh no, Arnold Swarchenegger, be careful! Arnold Swarchenegger fell down!” Don’t most kids his age play with blocks and trucks or something?
We had to wash the couch cushions twice and shampoo the carpets twice this weekend since Graham got some kind of stomach thing and puked his guts out all over both. Several times. I can’t get the smell of puke out of my nose hairs.
In related news, the puking was followed up by Graham peeing out of his butt. He hides when he poops so yesterday, I found him sitting in his room with a 40lb diaper and shit on his fingers. I’m hoping he didn’t leave shit anywhere else for us to find but so far we’re clear.
I hate ferns. I know that sounds strange but I do. So when we hired a landscape contractor a couple of years back, he assured me that these ferns would be a good filler and low maintenance. The fucking things are evil and I spent a few hours on Sunday attacking the giant ferns that took over my yard. I woke up on Monday with a stiff neck, sore back and congestion. The fucking ferns won.
In two weeks, I’m meeting up with two of my favorite bloggers. I’ll divulge more later but woot woot! This is the first time I’ve met a real live blogger in person and I’m half expecting to end up in someone’s trunk, chopped in tiny little pieces. You know, cause big pieces would seem lazy on their part.
Go see Keely for some real random.
Tags: Random Tuesday Thoughts