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Wordless Wednesday: Where’s Waldo?

October 28, 2009 11:14 am | 27 Comments

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Random Tuesday Thoughts: That Wasn’t So Hard, Was It?

October 26, 2009 11:52 pm | 39 Comments

It’s time to jump back on the horse or blog or whatever the hell you call it. Yeah, I’m still alive. No swine flu or shady organ harvesting here in FL.  Life has been kicking my ass lately but thanks to those of you who emailed about my whereabouts. I realize that two weeks is a long time to go MIA.

I had an emergency root canal a couple of weeks ago. Jamie and I have renamed our Endodontist Dr Sexy since he’s all tan with huge muscles and shaved arms. He even gives out his cell number in case patients “need him” during off hours. Uh yeah, Dr Sexy, I’m married. In related news, my toothache-induced migraines are all gone and now we have Dr Sexy on speed dial.

At the tender age of ONE, Elliot got suspended from school. I managed to make it through my entire school career without suspension but not so for Elliot. She’s bitten three times at school this month and the third time was the teacher. Ouch. And I can’t really tell her teachers to bite her back like I do at home so I’m sure there are more suspensions in her future.

Google Reader is a hopeless cause. I haven’t touched it in days. Sorry. It’s not you, it’s me. I’m sure you guys are all interesting and witty and all that jazz and I’ll be back around soon.

Graham has decided to revisit his insomnia days and is up several times a night, screaming bloody murder. Jamie and I are walking around like zombies (not the cool kind). See above paragraph about me not doing any blogging or touching my reader.

We took Graham in for a CT scan this morning. I tried to take him last week but it didn’t work out so well without anesthesia so we went back today and had him put under. Entertaining a toddler who hasn’t eaten for 13 hours is not an easy feat. Luckily, there was a foot pedal operated sink in the hospital holding area so Graham washed his hands for close to an hour. That kid had the cleanest hands in the hospital. Then he got to ride out in a wheelchair so he thought he was hot shit.

I took Graham to a bouncy place yesterday afternoon to kill time. We were seriously there less than an hour and I can barely walk today, I’m so sore. There was a lovely swine flu having kid there who was kind enough to cough on us through every ride, over and over. I’m so thankful to his parents for deciding to bring him out in public like that.

Cleaning lady. Starting this week. Hallefuckingleujah!

I impulse painted my living room over the weekend. I saw a paint color on one of my favorite home design blogs and went for it. The problem is that I forgot to print out the picture so when I got to the store, I had to pick out the paint color from memory. So it looks nothing like that bright, beautiful green in the picture but now I’m too lazy to paint over it. Besides, it’s almost Christmas.

The other night, I caught Jamie trying to be funny for the blog. I reminded him that I hadn’t blogged in two weeks and that he didn’t need to try to feed me blog fodder to make it into a post. “Oh”, he said, and dropped the subject.

I strapped on a pair and confronted my neighbor the other night. She has super sensitive motion-detected spot lights that shine directly into Graham’s room and wake him up every time they go off. Actually, there wasn’t really a confrontation but I asked if I could readjust the lights and then brought my ladder over and pointed those fuckers toward her bedroom window instead.

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Random Tuesday Thoughts: Keely May Be Too Nice, But I Have No Problem Deleting Your Sorry Ass

October 12, 2009 11:49 pm | 43 Comments

Every Tuesday, several people stop by from who the fuck knows where to plug their site into Mr. Linky. These aren’t people who regularly read my blog or even stick around to read my Tuesday randomness, they simply stop by to link up and be on their way. Because you know, their stupid ass websites are so important that they must direct ALL TRAFFIC there immediately. To that, I say, FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKY FUCK. Consider your ass deleted. Have a nice day.

*Update: I may have scared a few people with the above rant. I guess I came off as bitter. Hmm. I only meant that it pisses me off when people who have never stuck around to read or comment stop by for the sole purpose of linking and leaving. The rest of you guys are fine. Link away.

There is nothing more adorable in this world than pigtails in motion. Seriously, look at this shit, how can you stand it?:

I’ve only attempted any sort of hair do with Elliot maybe three times since she immediately gets pissed and rips out the rubber bands, along with several hunks of hair. I chased her around the house with the camera trying to get the above shot and had to stop and redo the pigtails several times.

A certain someone I know has no problem leaving his pigtails in and requests them more often than his sister:

We got a new grill over the weekend so Jamie worked himself into a tizzy about the inaugural grilling event. We made a family trip to get supplies and he mentally planned the details in his head the entire day. I can honestly say, it was the most delicious steak I’ve ever had and I had to document the event to show off the impressive grill lines. (Sorry, Michele!).

We sorta played in the yard with the kids over the weekend. By “played”, I mean brought them outside at 10am, only to have to drag them back inside twenty minutes later because they were drenched in sweat and purple from the heat. I have found lodging in Chicago and will be trading houses with my bloggy pal Lin for the winter. Florida sucks.

I intentionally ignored my reader for the past five days. Instead, I played with the kids and enjoyed time with Jamie. Isn’t that nuts? It was nice.

Jamie maintains that because we have children, we should be able to teach them awesome phrases to repeat randomly. Not to be outdone by Graham’s “Where’s the beef?”, Jamie recently had both kids head bobbing and shouting “Breaking the law! Breaking the law!”.

We went to the U2 concert on Friday night. We planned on taking a cab but after 45 minutes and two horrible calls to the cab company, we gave up and drove on our own. I’m glad we did since it afforded us the opportunity to see a drunk chick get out of her car and beat the shit out of the car behind her.

The concert was kickass, thanks for asking. We stayed out until 11:30 and I even had three beers! I was reminded of my old-as-balls status when my bladder almost gave way every ten minutes and my feet hurt after standing through the first half of the show.

I’ve figured out that if I dump the kids at school, I can get to the gym and on my elliptical by 9:04. This is just in time to watch two full episodes of Golden Girls. What took me a little longer to realize is that when I’ve got my headphones on in a crowded gym, singing the theme song out loud is probably not a wise choice.

Thank you for being a friend.
Travel over to Keely’s and back again.
Her heart is true, she’s a bloggy pal and a confidant!

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Wordless Wednesday: Larry The Lizard

October 7, 2009 11:01 am | 27 Comments

For the past few weeks, Larry has been hanging out on our window, looking in. Day in and day out, Larry is there, bemusedly watching his own little people aquarium.

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Random Tuesday Thoughts: Chomp Or Be Chomped

October 5, 2009 11:28 pm | 32 Comments

Two weeks ago, I got a call from the director of Graham’s school. She started out by saying “this is just a courtesy call about Graham.” “Oh fuck”, I thought to myself, “what did he do now?”. It turns out that someone bit him pretty badly. I’ve never been so relieved in my life since it wasn’t my kid actually doing the biting. I think I scared the director when I was all “OH, PHEW! I’m sure he’s fine. I’ll see you in an hour at pickup.” Bitee is better than biter any day. He’s fine, BTW, but the bite took four days to heal.

Jamie picked up the kids last Friday and had to sign an incident report for Elliot. Now SHE bit someone and our biting has come around in full, tooth-shaped circle. She went on to bite me several times over the weekend so I started a “bite for a bite” policy. Yes folks, when my one year old bites me, I chomp back just as hard. I’ll let you know how that works out for me.

Graham has decided that 5am is a good time to start waking up every morning. Then we have to spend two hours begging and pleading and trying everything in our power to keep him from screaming and waking up his sister. Which he usually does. Do you think if I bite him, he’ll go back to sleep?

We’re going to see U2 on Friday night. ROCK! Here’s hoping we can stay up that late, considering our new 5am schedule.

I had never seen The Wiggles before last week. Now, the kids are addicted and I can’t not get the stupid songs stuck in my head.

We went to Babies R Us the other day and I had a shitload of leftover coupons so I walked around and handed them out to people when I saw them buying stuff that qualified. Jamie was mortified and kept telling me to stop accosting people and giving them coupons. The nerve of me, saving people money. Actually, bugging Jamie was my real motivation but I guess it’s nice that I payed it forward in the process. I’m Robin Hood, prince of creeps.

I volunteered to be the class mom for Elliot’s class. Will someone please tell me what I was thinking?

We’ve been practice trick-or-treating around here in preparation for Halloween. Now Graham asks to “play Halloween game” about 341221958 times a day. Because ONE time, while pretending, I gave the kid a lollipop.

You probably won’t get bit if you head to Keely’s place.

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Club Half As Small As You: Month 13

October 5, 2009 9:40 am | 18 Comments

Welcome to month 13 of Club HASAY! Not sure what HASAY is? Read all about it here.

You know that Shakira song “My Hips Don’t Lie”? Well, that’s me. For the past month plus, I’ve been working out like a mofo. The kids are in school MWF and every day when I drop them off, I head to the gym for an hour of cardio. Then I go on Thursdays and Saturdays too for some more. Aww, yeah. I like it. I’m finally starting to pull on some of my jeans that haven’t fit in months and I don’t feel quite so sluggish all the time.

Two weeks ago, I finally got up the courage to break out my Wii Fit for a weigh in. I hadn’t been on that thing since right after my surgery and I knew it was going to give me shit. The Wii Fit is a smartass, in case you didn’t know. It turns out that my ass busting has been paying off and I’m down 8.6lbs. Woo to the hoo!

Last week, I stepped on the Wii Fit again, just to weigh in and record my stats. When I got to the weight part, Jamie was intently watching from behind his laptop when the results came in. DOWN 13.6LBS! In one week! I was all… “uhhhhh… uhhhhhhhhhh..”. Then Jamie suggested I change the batteries on the lying motherfucking game and when I did, it told me I was up .8lbs from the week before. So my hips don’t lie, but low batteries sure do.

*I did lose 8.6lbs and no amount of low batteries can take that away from me.

Check out some more HASAY progress below!

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Wordless Wednesday: A Few More Days Of Summer

September 30, 2009 11:04 am | 26 Comments

While you northern folks are packing it in for the winter, it’s finally getting cool enough for us to actually leave the house.

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Random Tuesday Thoughts: Penis Poltergeists And Perfect Poopmanship

September 28, 2009 11:08 pm | 36 Comments

I took Graham to the doctor last week and homeboy weighs FORTY POUNDS. He’s 2 1/2. I think I’m going to start training him for the NFL, it’s never too early.

Why do kid’s clothes have pockets? What the hell do six month olds need pockets for? Their car keys?

So last Saturday, I was grabbing a drink from the fridge when a strange shadow on the ceiling caught my eye. It was a penis. Of course, I grabbed my camera to get photographic evidence and by the time I finished loading the picture on my laptop, the penis was G-O-N-E. The only explanation I can come up with is that I’m being haunted by a nicely shaped penis who likes to reveal itself in shadow form. Anyone got a better answer?

Poor Jamie might have Swine Flu. Or the regular flu or a common cold, who knows. He’s been feverish and achy with a cough and congestion so of course, Dr. Google helped me determine that it is in fact swine flu and there’s not much we can do about it. Gotta love Dr. Google.

I hate the idea of potty trained kids since that means having to deal with disgusting public bathrooms. If I had my way, I’d keep these kids in diapers until college. Graham is at a stand still but 17 month old Elliot peed on the potty over the weekend. I might instill a little friendly competition around here to get the job done. You know, a pissing contest.

Sometimes I catch myself saying shit that I can’t believe is coming out of my mouth. We took the kids to Target today and stopped for a pretzel and popcorn. Jamie and I were eating from the same pile and the kids each had some popcorn on a napkin and Graham wanted to know why Mommy was eating Daddy’s popcorn. So Jamie and I pipe in “Mommy and Daddy are SHARING, it’s NICE to SHARE. We always SHARE our food with each other and with Graham and Elliot. Because we LOVE each other and SHARING is NICE.” We’re like a fucking PBS special in this house. Who talks like that?

Jamie and I have a lot of discussions about poop. I sometimes come back from the bathroom and describe shape and color and texture and smell while he yells at me to PLEASE GOD STOP TALKING!  I guess the discussions are kind of one sided after all. Anyways, I formed a perfect captial “B” the other night and was this close from taking a picture but didn’t. You’re welcome. I told Jamie that a first grade teacher would be impressed with my poopmanship.

Check out Keely’s place for less disgusting randomness.

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Wordless Wednesday: And I’m Already Doing Her Homework

September 23, 2009 8:43 am | 29 Comments

The first week of school, they sent home a paper doll for my ONE YEAR OLD to decorate like herself. And she’s uhm, one. So I took the liberty of creating this disgrace to send in while Elliot happily slumbered in her crib one night.

This is NOT the start of a lifetime of me doing her homework for her. I was pretty embarrassed to turn this in but the teachers were impressed and thought Elliot had actually done it herself. There you have it, my art work resembles that of a one year old.

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Random Tuesday Thoughts: Rock Out With Your Arm In

September 22, 2009 12:11 am | 41 Comments

While emptying my junk mail folder this morning, an email caught my eye. The subject said “gain 3 inches!!” and I was initially confused. Why would someone want to gain inches when the focus of diet and exercise is to be thin? Ohhhhhhhh. Yeah. It took me a minute.

I completed a successful Craigslist transaction last night without being murdered. I drove to an undisclosed location and bought an easel for Elliot’s classroom. It’s worth the risk of murder to get on her teacher’s good side.

Speaking of Craigslist, this is the best ad of all time. We’ve given away a few things on Craigslist and it’s amazing what kind of idiots come out of the woodwork for free shit.

I’m too old to rock out. On the way to pick up the kids yesterday, I rolled down the windows and jammed out to old school Alanis. I was doing the funky arm dance out the window when BAM!!!!, a fucking bug dive bombed my arm and scared the living shit out of me. I managed to keep from swerving off the road but I had bug guts all down my forearm.

Yesterday, someone Googled “I need my deceased mother to talk to me” and got to my site. I’m a little freaked out by the fact that I can somehow offer advice on how to talk to dead people and I probably won’t sleep tonight since deceased mothers probably talk too much.

We recorded the sucktastic Bucs game on Sunday and watched it after the kids went to bed. I had to yell at every person I talked to that day to NOT tell me the score and I stayed off of the computer so I didn’t accidentally read it somewhere. It’s hard to stay in the dark about crap like that.

Do you remember Martin, the guy who has been mistakenly emailing me for the past year? A few weeks ago, he sent me a copy of a business proposal to look over so I felt bad and let him in on the little secret. He’d signed the email “dad” so I politely informed him that I’m not his kid. Apparently that wasn’t good enough since the bastard is STILL emailing me several times a week.

Bed sheets are evil. I sleep with a blanket but every time I give sheets another chance, I wake up with it wrapped around my neck and trying to strangle me. See? Evil.

My dog sat in the mulch yesterday and got a chunk stuck IN HER ASSHOLE. I had to pull it out before I let her in the house since it would eventually fall out and probably be eaten by Elliot if I didn’t. If you had asked me ten years ago if I’d be pulling mulch out of dog assholes, I would have thought you were nuts. But here I am. Life is grand.

Goinnnnnnnn to the chapel, and I’m gonna link Keeeeeeeeeeely.

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