Poop Cherry

September 19, 2008 6:48 am

When you become a parent, you become part of an elite club where people freely share bizarre stories which they would never have discussed before. The stories are about bodily functions (poop) and the teller has no issue delving into intricate details such as color, texture and smell. Some stories are humorous, some scary as shit and others are just plain weird. I have been on the receiving end of many of these stories, and now I’ve decided to share one of my own.

Every night, during “the magic hour”, we feed and bathe the kids and get them ready for bed. Usually we split up, one of us will feed Elliot her bottle and give her a bath while the other one feeds Graham dinner. Then Elliot will get her bedtime books, song, and go to sleep while Graham gets his bath. We both meet up in Graham’s room for the finale of playing, reading books, singing a song and FINALLY, bedtime. It’s pretty flawless if I do say so myself.

Tonight, I was on Elliot duty. We had finished the bedtime routine except for the song. I was in her room with her, enjoying one last snuggle and singing her a bedtime song. Jamie was in the bathroom giving Graham his bath. I heard a loud scream “OH MY GOD, OH MY GOD!!!”. I threw (softly placed) Elliot on the floor and ran to see what was the matter. Jamie continued to scream, and as I neared the bathroom, I knew what had happened. “Poop?” I asked. It was. Graham had taken his first monster dump in the tub.

Now I know we’re not the first parents this has ever happened to. We knew this day might come. We’ve talked over our strategy for what to do and I felt like we were pretty well prepared. Apparently not. Jamie completely abandoned the plan and continued to freak the fuck out. He yelled “OH NO, HE’S GOT IT IN HIS HAND! OH NO, HE’S STEPPING ON A PIECE! I THINK HE’S STILL GOING!” The screaming was NOT helping matters, poor Graham was confused and started sobbing. Daddy had checked out and Graham didn’t know what to do.

I refused to go down with the ship so I quickly jumped into gear and took over. I barked at Jamie to take Graham into the other bathroom and clean him up. I told Jamie I would handle the cleanup from here since he was apparently so disgusted with the situation. I proceeded to drain the tub, remove the chunks and bleach the shit out of the entire bathroom. I doubt there are any poop particles in that tub after the bleaching I gave it.

After I finished with Bleachfest 2008, I went back in to finish Elliot’s bedtime routine. The poor kid had been abandoned and had gone to sleep on the floor next to her crib. I got her settled into her crib and went to check on the tub-turder. He had forgotten all about it and we proceeded with the bedtime routine. We survived another day as parents and managed to pop our poop cherry doing so. I can’t wait to see what disgusting things tomorrow will bring.

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8 Comments

  1. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    1

    Bwahahaha! I was wondering what the cherry had to do with it! That is perfection. Or turdfection? Eh. Sprite gave us her first tub turd earlier this week and John immediately said he would get her cleaned off if I cleaned the tub, which is a win. He gets clean child. I get Clorox Clean Up.,

    Sprite’s Keepers last blog post..Time Out, Peace Out

  2. Krystal
    on
    2

    Between reading what you wrote and Jen’s comment i am laughing so hard it hurts!!

    Trust me, there will be more instances on this. I have them at minimum, twice a month! Oh, and try having it happen to two kids in the same tub! Oh and how about when there are 3 kids in the tub and one does it while you run quickly to the other room to get the craved “shark”. Oh, that is a fun mess to clean up!!!

    Krystals last blog post..I think I have calmed down enough to write this

  3. HeatherPride
    on
    3

    Oh no, I have been the victim of the tub turd as well!! I think the worst part about it was picking up each of the 25 tub toys Logan had in the bathtub with him when it happened. They all went bye-bye to the landfill. So sue me. I ran the shower on full hot until the water heater ran out of water and followed that up with bleach! YUK!

    HeatherPrides last blog post..Diary of a Childless Mother: The First 36 Hours

  4. cyndi
    on
    4

    Ahh, the de-flowering….kudos to you for handling it so well! I can’t type it for fear of jinxing things at our house, but it has been rare – wishing you few messes and a fun, relaxing weekend. 🙂

  5. mrsbear
    on
    5

    Strangely enough, it’s only happened to me once *knocking on wood, er…pressboard? formica?*. It was when my ten year old was one and I was bathing her and my oldest daughter together. She let loose a little nugget, to our utter and complete horror. Well, our shrieking and scrambling terrified her and apparently put her colon on lockdown, cause it never happened again. *looking for wood, knocking on wood*. You’d figure with four kids I’d have more poop experience, but my area of expertise is projectile vomiting, which is in itself sad. 🙁

    mrsbears last blog post..A Moment’s Peace – Mommy Lesson #143

  6. YummY!
    on
    6

    Sounds like you handled that wonderfully. The other half needs more practice. -grin-

  7. JuJu
    on
    7

    one of the first times that Rob came to visit my mom pulled out the nakes baby pics and there was one of my proudly holding the poop cherry while still sitting in the tub with my obviously disgusted sister.. I hope that my future children don’t follow in my footsteps with my poop in the tub fascination!!

  8. Political Humor
    on
    8

    I don\’t normally leave comments! But what you said here makes one think! Would you mind if I placed a link back from my blog?

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