Let’s Give The Boy A Hand

May 13, 2009 12:37 am

It was my freshman year of college and I was living in a shitty apartment with two batshit crazy roommates. I didn’t actually have a room, I lived in the dining room that someone had slapped a pair of poorly installed closet doors on. It wasn’t the optimal living situation but I found the place in a crunch when a relationship turned bad and I needed a place to crash. My roommates were definitely cause for blog fodder, one of my them was a nudist who used to walk around topless and the other walked around talking to her pet parakeet. I later found out that the nudist (also named Casey) was a drug dealer who was peddling acid out of our crummy little apartment.

The bird whisperer was the head of the household and made all of the rules. One of them was that we were not, under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES, to turn on the air conditioner. It was September in Florida and still hot as hell so I spent my days sweating buckets. One night when I was pulling an all night study session, I couldn’t take it any longer. My room didn’t have a window but I needed some air so I sat on the couch in front of the open sliding glass doors.

It was around 2AM when I heard dogs barking. There were houses behind the apartments and I could see a dog going nuts through the chain link fence. I looked up and saw a guy walking through the yard but didn’t think much of it since it was a common shortcut that people took. A minute later, the dogs started barking again and I looked up to see the guy standing about two feet from me.

With his pants down around his ankles.

He was jerking off.

The guy had his shirt pulled up over his face so I could only see his eyes and nose through the neck hole but he was definitely smiling and enjoying himself. In all of my infinite eighteen year old wisdom, I spoke these words:


Like I didn’t know. But I was caught off guard and those were the words that came to me at that moment. I’ve since thought of so many more clever comebacks but I’ll never get the chance to use them.

After the intial shock, I realized that the door was open and there was only a screen door separating me from the fist-pumping lunatic. I slammed the door shut and fumbled with the broken latch. Then I ran down the hallway to my roommate’s room to wake her up but her door was locked. I pounded on the door to wake her up and finally she responded by yelling through the door for me to go away. I pounded harder and told her to open the door and when she did, I told her that there was a guy… jerking off… at the back door.

She didn’t care. She said to call the cops or something but that she was going back to bed. The hell she was, I made her stay awake with me until the police arrived. The cops said that there was an earlier report of the same thing in the area. Apparently, we had a serial jerker on our hands. I filed a report but the police didn’t think they would be able to catch the guy since I didn’t get a name or a description. I guess they don’t do penis line ups.

After the incident, I ended up going back to stay on my ex’s couch since I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I called ahead to let them know I was coming and what had happened. When I showed up, he and his roommate Chris were waiting for me. Chris took one look at me and with sympathetic eyes he spoke:

“I’m so sorry I scared you like that. Next time, I’ll come in through the front door.”

*Note: Chris was NOT the masked jerker and we remain friends in spite of his sick sense of humor. Check out his uber cool band Half Shark Half Jesus. Tell him I said hi.

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  1. Beth

    A serial jerker? A professional jerker? Anyway, that would be scary as a young person.

    Beths last blog post..The Graduation-Travel Diet

  2. ck

    I think your next Tuesday post should include some of the comebacks you created in the years that followed.

    I cannot imagine witnessing something like that.

    Of course, I went to college in Philly, so it wasn’t nearly as…warm…out.

  3. ck

    PS: if I can’t shake the Deniece Williams song by lunch, YOU’RE GOIN’ DOWN.

  4. janine

    This is pretty scary. I think the scariest part is how commonplace it seemed to others.

    See this is what happens when porn is too available. These freaks have to find other, less common ways to excite themselves.

  5. K

    That would totally creep me out.

    Glad you have better, safer accomodations these days.

  6. jenni

    that is way creepy my friend. i’m glad he was just a jerker.

  7. Julie@Momspective

    Wow. You get to do ALL the cool stuff. No fair.

  8. Andrea

    Umm, ew. I think I would have been freaked out by that one.
    Public decency people!

  9. Cat

    God, the list of shit I missed by not having roommates in college keeps multiplying.

    I’d like to note that one man’s police report is another man’s wet dream…

    Happy Hump Day!

  10. WickedStepMom

    I am still in shock. You seriously needed to have a more low key college experience.

    WickedStepMoms last blog post..Glad

  11. Ginny Marie

    After all that, I would be tempted to leave college and go back home! Ick!

    Ginny Maries last blog post..Random Tuesday Thoughts: I’ve Got the Blues

  12. jen

    crazy-ness … i went to school in grandforks north dakota … several times classes were cancelled because the wind chill was so cold it would freeze a baby’s skin in less than 5 seconds.
    i’m thinking there aren’t many serial – outdoor – jerkers around there.
    i think i would be scarred for life.

    jens last blog post..i {heart} … laughing … faces …

  13. Sprite's Keeper

    It would have taken me years of therapy to get over that… and to stop laughing.

    Sprite’s Keepers last blog post..Moving Target

  14. Robin

    Penis lineups! HA!!!
    Oh, the possibilities for jokes!

    Robins last blog post..Musical Monday: Hurts So Good

  15. GreenJello

    Makes you wish you had a pellet gun and were a good shot.

    GreenJellos last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  16. Petra a.k.a. The Wise (Young) Mommy

    haha, penis line-up! that’s too funny.

    Yeah, that would have skeeved me to the max! You poor thing!

  17. Pseudo

    Ack. Stories like this make me so happy Daughter is going to college here and stayed home to save money.

    Pseudos last blog post..Spin Cycle: A Tale of Two Proms Part Two (Daughter)

  18. Kyooty

    See these are the stories that just don’t get made up! and yikes!

    Kyootys last blog post..Random Tuesday, skip jump and run around a topic or many

  19. Lin


    Lins last blog post..Men Working IT

  20. Zip n Tizzy

    Ha! Crazy roomates leading to crazy- crazys… makes boring married life where it’s at doesn’t it? Would not want to go back.

    Have you seen the footage of the guy who found a drunk guy in his bed and instead of calling the cops tweeted about it. I never would have believed it except that it happened in San Francisco and after living there for several years, its exactly what would happen in SF.
    Check it out.

  21. FoN

    Why couldn’t you use the air conditioner? You live in Florida for crying out loud.

    I’m sure I’ve told you this, but you have the best stories ever. I’m still reading, I’ve just been too frickin’ busy to comment lately. Sorry, I suck.

    FoNs last blog post..Fat Chick vs, Food – week Eighteen and Nineteen

  22. Christy

    That’s just gross! And scary…broken lock? Gah! “I guess they don’t have penis line-ups” Lol

    Christys last blog post..Sowing The Seeds

  23. Lisa

    That is seriously disgusting! Kudos to Chris for the funny joke though. I think I must lead a sheltered life as nothing like this has ever happened to me. Thank God.

    Lisas last blog post..WordFUL Wednesday. Grandpa Gets a Beat Down

  24. Cape Cod Gal

    If someone had done that infront of me I would have just started laughing. I’m sure that would have ended the jerking. It’s hard to jerk soft taffy.

    Cape Cod Gals last blog post..I Said I’d Never Be That Kinda Wife

  25. bex

    you lived in some ghetto places in college. wasn’t it also in college that the helicopter cops and ground cops surrounded your building and had a shoot out? you have some serious street cred.

    bexs last blog post..FFF: A Good Mom

  26. sherendipity

    Here I thought you were going to say that you accidentally let out the roommates bird….and then go telling the story of another “bird” on the loose….

    sherendipitys last blog post..Live long and prosper, mah bitches.

  27. mrsbear

    That’s just awful, worse still that there wasn’t a significant barrier between you and the perpetrator. I would have freaked the flock out, and that your roommate seemed so indifferent, moving out would have been the only option for me too. Now was she the bird talker or the drug dealer? It makes a difference…

    mrsbears last blog post..Artistically Inclined

  28. Keely

    BWahhahhahhah! That was awesome. Chris’ shot at you, I mean, not the serial jerker. Those guys are just weird.

    Next time, just turn on the a/c 😉

    Keelys last blog post..In lieu of a real post, a challenge. En garde!

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