We are ill-equipped to be raising a daughter in the land of princesses. And believe me, those fucking princesses are contagious. To my delight, Elliot continues to wear her brother’s outgrown superhero shirts but the princess world is creeping in. The girls in her class have the princess sneakers and backpacks and shirts and AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, dunno how to keep them at bay.

So, I’ve been giving in but only in baby steps. Elliot has a few tiaras and plush princess dolls. She loves anything sparkly and I can’t deny her SPARKLES. I’ve been steering her toward fairies because somehow fairies are less offensive to me than some princess ho who sits around all day waiting for some man to come save her… I dunno. And fairies can fly.

Last night, I was reading a Cinderella book for the first time and Elliot got PISSED. At some point, I told her the chick in the blue dress was Sleeping Beauty (oops) and she would not accept my retraction. Being the last book before bed, I wasn’t up for the fight so I had to replace “Cinderella” with “Sleeping Beauty” throughout the book. And now I have to keep up the lie.

This is going to be tough since we’re taking our first ever trip to !!!DISNEY!!! next week with the kids. Fingers crossed we have an awesome time and not a continuous stream of meltdowns. I applaud Disney for being allergy friendly though, we have several gluten/casein free meals lined up around the parks.

Have I ever mentioned that my kids go to a Jewish preschool? We’re not Jewish but we all go to Shabbat every Friday and the kids celebrate the Jewish holidays at school. We celebrated Purim (which is kind of like a Jewish Halloween since they get to dress up and get treat bags and stuff) last week.  The kids LOVED it, any holiday that you get to dress up like Strawberry Shortcake and Luke Skywalker is ok in their book.

We got some awesome strawberries at the farmers market last weekend. As I was cutting/washing them to make jam, Jamie walked by and let a huge one rip. Instincts took over at that point and I fucking NAILED him in the face with a strawberry from across the room. Maybe next time he’ll keep his ass shut.

Oh my fucking GOOOOOOOOOD, our new neighborhood is heavily populated with barky fucking dogs. We have one too but stick a shock collar on her ass when she’s outside to prevent her from pissing off the neighbors. I can barely focus on writing this paragraph since Barky McBarkster is at it again. Why do people leave their stupid barky dogs outside to become everyone’s problem?

Am I the only one who weighs myself pre and post poop? I like to see what my excrement tips the scale at and believe me, I’ve had some record breaking doozies.

Graham’s behavior has continued to be awesome. His teacher commented on how great he’s been the past few weeks and she didn’t know we were supplementing him so it’s great to have proof. They do still have some sibling scuffles but they’re manageable vs the cage death matches they used to have.

During a recent tiff, I lectured the kids on loving each other and how it’s their job to protect each other and be best friends.  I asked them to tell me what I meant by that. Elliot piped in with  “If you see a crocodile, run away and tell a grown up.” Thank God they understood the point I was trying to get across.

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  1. Jessica

    OMG – LMAO!…pre and post poop! I’m just a post-poop kinda girl. 😉

    have fun at Disney…our first time (with kids) in 4 weeks..the California one. Good luck!

  2. Mrs. C.

    yes indeed, protecting each other is a big lesson to learn. We’ve always taught the kids that if someone is being mean to their brother/sister at school it’s their job to stick up for family. Well, Maddy has been having a tough time with her teacher and after one dinner table report about something he’d pulled, Bren said “well, I think Maddy’s teacher is a real asshole.”

    Way to learn the lesson, son…

  3. Kendra

    My uncle is a runner and he would weigh himself pre and post poop. I thought it was so funny.

  4. Anne

    I can’t stand the princesses. Anytime we see anything with them, I stress the fact that you don’t need to wait for the prince. Enjoy Disney. I bet the kids are going to love it.

  5. Sprite's Keeper

    Sorry, babe. You’re doomed. Once the Princesses are in, that’s it. It has to hit a peak before it retracts. Luckily, Sprite eschewed the Princess for Fairies in her room otherwise I’d be reaching for the anti-nausea medicine every time I entered her room..

  6. SuziCate

    I agree, fairies overrule princesses anyday! We have a neighborhood of barky dogs, too…annoying since ours is quiet…however, we used to own a beastly barking dog – yes, bark collars work wonders!

  7. Beth

    And just wait until you see what happens with the ‘princess group’ when they hit high school….it’s not pretty!

  8. K

    Well, if I see a crocodile I’m totally finding the nearest grown up to deal with it.

    Good luck at Disney.

  9. Captain Dumbass

    I think the bark collars should go on the owners. They’d take care of shit quick after having that on for awhile.

  10. Andrea

    Run away and tell a grownup. I love it. Yep, they definitely got what you were saying. Oh Disney. I can’t wait to hear all about it since I’m nothing but a giant kid myself. (And kudos to DIsney. They really do have the most awesome customer service.)

  11. lin

    I HATE barking dogs. We have one MOFO dog like that next door–I call her Yip Yap The Non-Stop Barking Dog. And other times I just call her ShitHead. She answers to both. I have lived next to this dog for nearly 10 years–do you think she’d recognize me by now???

    That whole princess thing is hard to avoid. Just go buy that kid some dress-up clothes and let her get it out of her system. Just be warned–Graham is gonna want to wear that shit too, so be sure to buy some boy dress-up stuff too before Jamie freaks out.

  12. Michele

    Can’t help you on the princess thing. I had boys, it was all I could do to keep guns out of the house. We were just thinking of getting a shock collar for the Corgie. He won’t shut the hell up. Do they work? What kind do you suggest?

  13. Jenni

    LMAO at Elliott! That’s right girl, run away from those crocodiles.

  14. Mama Badger

    I’ll have to keep that crocodile tip handy. As for Disney and their damn princesses, they are everywhere. Disney doesn’t do half as much for boys. Bastards.

  15. Lizgizzy

    I always liked Princess Leia myself. She could kick ass, knew how to handle weapson, and didn’t take any shit from Solo.

    We live in the forest, our closest neighbor is 5 acres away, and they have this yappy dog that barks the second we crack the front door. Sometimes we go out in the middle of the night on Saturdays just to get him started. If we have to listen to that shit, then by God they can listen to their own dog yap in the middle of the night.

    I have tried weighing myself pre and post bathroom break, and unfortunately I seem to gain weight.

  16. Stacy Uncorked

    Fairies are definitely way cooler than princesses – especially with the extra sparkle and the ability to fly. 🙂

    You crack me up weighing pre and post poop!!

    So I wonder if the exchange of “See you later, alligator” and “After awhile, crocodile” would make Elliot run away and tell a grownup? 😉

  17. Keely

    You’re totally screwed on the princess front. It has begun.

    At least she’ll always be safe from crocodiles.

  18. Pseudo

    My spoiled dog hangs out in the house. But when he hears dogs bark in the neighborhood he thinks about it. He is only allowed to bark at potential burglars. Which means anyone that comes around the house without permission…

    Keep his ass shut ; -) Still smiling at that one.

  19. Mrsbear

    Those crocs are crafty, she is a smart cookie. 😉

    Sorry about the late comment, better late than never. 🙂

    And I only weight myself post poop.

  20. Ginny Marie

    I hope you had an awesome time at Disney! Lily is begging to go. She says she feels left out because ALL the kids at school have already been to Disney World. I’ll promised her someday we’ll be able to go….

  21. Eileen

    We recently had a baby girl and my husband gave my soon to be 3 year old son the talk about protecting his little sister. The next morning he said Mamma… if anyone is mean to Juliet I am going to punch them in the nose. Why do I leave my children with this man unsupervised?

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