I’ve been playing doctor and may have stumbled on the right combination of supplements to help with the kid’s assholishness/aggression.Β  They’ve both been even tempered and (mostly) playing together pretty much since I posted about how we’re doomed to a life of sibling death matches. Woot.

No, it does not involve horse tranquilizers or tasers but those ideas are good too . I won’t bore you with the specifics but if you have an ADHD or aggressive kid, email me and I’ll send you some links to possible causes and natural supplements that may or may not help.

I forgot to tell you guys about Valentine’s Day and how I accused my four year old of stealing. Jamie and I don’t exchange presents but he decided to stash some of my favorite chocolates in G’s backpack for him to give me when I picked him up from school. So Graham pulls out the chocolate and hands it to me and I’m all “where did you get this? Who did you take this from?” and I gave it to the teacher and told her Graham stole it from someone else in the class. I am such an asshole.

Elliot has the cutest mispronunciations I’ve ever heard. Because it’s so adorable, I want her to keep it up and am probably setting her up for speech therapy. Still, when she brings me Sweeping Booty (Sleeping Beauty) or tells me she wants to go to the carmibal (carnival), it’s the cutest damn thing ever.

So Graham had a show stopper last week at school when his teacher and I were having a heart to heart with him about why he doesn’t like school anymore (he’s back to liking it now so we’re past that phase). We asked him why he didn’t want to come to school and he got dead serious and looked at us and said “somebody touched me”. My stomach dropped and we were both like “who? when? wheredidtheytouchyou?” and Graham said “the boy in Elliot’s class touched me”. Which he did, on the shoulder about five seconds before we walked into Graham’s class. So my damn kid almost launched a FULL FUCKING SCALE INVESTIGATION because some two year old touched his damn shoulder thirty seconds earlier. Only my kid, right?

We went to the ENT a few weeks back and as we were getting settled in the room, Graham bee lined for the big red emergency button and pushed it. The office is at a children’s hospital so there’s a whole “CODE BLUE, SOMEONE’S KICKING IT IN THERE AND NEEDS HELP” team in place that our nurse had to go call off.

May I present to you: Grahamvader

My neighbor showed up the other day with a handful of pudding cups for us. She told me she thought we’d like them (I did!) and then segued to the fact that her husband had passed a few weeks back. I was all.. “uhh, wow, I’m sorry to hear that, wow, uhhhh, thanks for your dead husband’s pudding?”.Β  I think my reaction seemed genuine and I even threw in a hug and a “call me if you need anything” for good measure.

On my way out from reading to the preschool kids the other day, I walked with another mom from the school. She informed me that she doesn’t have time to read to the kids because she HAS A JOB. You know, unlike me who sits around eating Bon Bons and watching General Hospital all day. Bitch.

The kids are in week two of gymnastics and are loving it. Well, except when the teacher was having them pretend to be animals and then told them to lay still like a dead elephant. What the fuck?!? Graham freaked at the thought of being dead and bolted, I can’t say I blame him.

I’m another year older and celebrated my birthday last week by unloading the POD that got delivered that morning. I was rewarded with a sore back and garage full of shit to sort through so it was a wonderful day.

Speaking of wonderful days, here’s to Thursday. May yours be happy and bright and full of Keely. Whatever that means.

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  1. Amber

    Oh my hell your kids are adorable and so big!! I’ve missed them! You’re so damn funny. I still wish I was your next door neighbor. Minus the dead husband.

  2. Anne

    Happy belated birthday! You’re still young and gorgeous (I’ve met you in person so I know you are). I am so glad that you were able to find the right supplements. Can your kids eat the pudding cups? I thought they couldn’t eat any of that processed food stuff (although I would probably eat the pudding cups myself).

  3. Sprite's Keeper

    Honey, I have a job and don’t read to my kid because I’m LAZY. She forgot to mention that part..

  4. Shangrila

    LOL! Love it!

  5. Captain Dumbass

    Mmm, dead person pudding. Yum yum. And giant red buttons and kid level are kinda begging for it so I’m with Graham.

    Hook me up with your info. You can sub horse traquillizer with “sugar substitute.”

  6. Jessica

    Happy Birthday….
    And (only being a little facetious)I love those hard-working moms with “real” jobs. I especially love helping teach their kids to read when I volunteer.

  7. Shangrila

    Hi, you! OMG, the videos of Elliot and Graham are freaking adorable-I especially loved when Elliot opened her mouth to show you what she was eating-are you sure she’s not my kid?! I’m sorry that I didn’t comment on your last post. I didn’t know what to say and didn’t have anything helpful (although I racked my stupid brain) to pass on, but I was worried about you and am sooooo glad that it’s going better! Your kids are ridiculously lucky to have a mother like you who is committed to finding answers and providing them with what they need to thrive. We all say that we would do anything for our children, but most of us rarely have to prove it-you are the exemplification of that adage in motion, honey! As for that rag (isn’t that such an awesome 80’s term?) who dissed you for being a SAHM: She was just feeling inadequate and decided to drag you down with her so that her misery would have some company. Forget her in her stupid, jealous face. Love ya! πŸ˜›

  8. K

    Glad the kids are getting better. I hope it holds.

    And I’m pretty sure if you don’t have time to read to your kids you should rethink your life…just saying.

  9. K

    I’m pretty sure you should rethink your life if you don’t have time to read to your kids..just saying.

    And your kids are adorable. I hope the good behavior holds.

  10. Jenni

    I wish someone would give me pudding.

  11. Keely

    …dead elephants? Really?

    My kid got mentally scarred by the image of a large bagel rolling down the road, so I can only imagine how he’d feel about dead elephants.

  12. Sheila

    Glad the kids are acting better…they DON’T hate each other! I don’t need the magic potion details, just glad it works.
    How are the headaches? Did you bleach the smell away?
    Have a great weekend~

  13. lin

    Damn, I love those kids. I’m thinking Aunt Lin needs to make a visit over spring break. πŸ˜‰ How far is the beach from your house?????

    I HATE those mofo moms who make you feel like shit when in actuality they are justifying their own pathetic absence from their kids’ lives. And they usually drop off a plate of cupcakes that the kids just lick the frosting off and leave you, the room mom, all the freaking mess. I. Hate. Those. Bitches.

    Next time you get one of those comments, lay one of these on them in return to have their stomach churn all freaking day: Yeah, I used to work too, that is until I made my children my PRIORITY. ZING.

    HOORAY! It is a good parenting moment when you realize that you are doing everything right and those kids have something going on inside their little bods. I’m hoping you’ve found the key to success. I’m really glad for you–you are a GREAT MOM, pally. πŸ™‚

  14. Ginny Marie

    Yay! I’m so glad you found a magic potion! πŸ™‚

  15. Mama Badger

    Happy Birthday. That was some week huh?

    Glad to hear that the kiddos haven’t killed eachother yet. It’s a wonder any one lives past 10 with a sibling in their house.

    As for the working mom? That’s krappe. I work, so does my husband, we read to our kids. I hate when people use a job as an excuse for their bad habits. Just admit you suck and move on.

  16. Andrea

    Well damnit. I didn’t know it was your birthday. I would have called and sung to you. You might not have ever spoken to me again though so…

    Yay! For kids and calm. And for keeping you on your toes. It’s always something isn’t it?

  17. Stacy Uncorked

    OMG the kids are getting so big! And SO adorable! πŸ™‚ I miss the gibberish Princess Nagger used to speak – like calling a bathing suit a ‘baby snoot’. πŸ™‚

    Glad you found the magic potion!

    Happy (belated) Birthday! I need your new address to send you some adult magic potion just for you. πŸ˜‰

  18. Michelle

    How HOW did they get so big??? Happy birthday (belated) hon.

  19. Mrsbear

    So wait, I shouldn’t be eating bon-bons and watching soap operas all day? But I have all this free time!

    I thought of your dead guy pudding yesterday when my neighbor asked me where we got out Dubble Bubble mug…which was from a dead guy.

  20. Lizgizzy

    A big ol’ hearty whatevs to the twit who doesn’t have time to read to the kids because she has a job. I work enough hours in the week that I technically have two jobs, and I still take time to do stuff for pre-school.

    You do have a job it is full-time, and you get paid with cuteness. The videos are fantastic.

    The Movers were worth every penny. James loved them, and the music was good for the adults too. Mover Rich is hot.

    Happy belated b-day. I’m just sorry that you had to unpack on the day.

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