I meant to post yesterday but I was dragging ass all day because of a pair of bad underwear. Well not one pair, most of my pairs because I’ve lost a little weight so my normally snug granny panties are slidey aroundy and just not comfortable. I was up the night before tossing and turning because my underwear kept shifting into my crack and performing a butt tourniquet all night.

I guess there are worse problems to have. Yesterday I bought some new (smaller) underwear so thankfully, I slept like a champ last night.

Elliot has become quite versed in the ways of the rules and stuck Jamie in time out for splashing in the pool. I’m waiting for someone to stick me in time out, a minute for every year in age, right?

Monday afternoon, I was racing home for a photo finish when a squirrel ran out in front of my car. I slammed on the brakes but the poor guy suffered an ill fate. Not to be heartless but I was suffering from my own pooptuation so I continued on and made it home in time.

The other day I followed someone with a NH license plate and sat (drove) wondering why someone would want to Olive Free Or Die? Then I realized that there was a screw in front of the word “live” and it all suddenly made sense. I hadn’t previously heard of Olives feeling oppressed.

For some unknown reason, if either Jamie or I see a knife on the counter, we grab it and pretend to gut the other. Now tell me we aren’t a couple in love?

When I dropped the kids off at camp this morning, one of the elderly teachers passed me in the hallway and turned back to say “you rock!”. I was so excited that someone, anyone, finally noticed me for who I really am. It wasn’t until a minute later that I realized I was wearing my Muppets Animal shirt that said “I ROCK!!!” on it. For the record, I do totally rock.

I know I missed the party but Keely would probably still be happy have you stop by. Bring some Motrin, she’s nursing a wicked hangover.

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28 Comments

  1. Ginny Marie
    on
    1

    You totally rock! And suck at the same time, since you are able to buy smaller underwear. I think I gained 20 pounds on vacation.

  2. Jenni
    on
    2

    Of course you rock, who are you kidding?

  3. kyooty
    on
    3

    You do rock!!!! Im very amused with your “plate” because our cars used to have those plates. šŸ™‚

  4. Andrea
    on
    4

    Muppet Animal! Sweet. He’s the best.

    There are something like 50 different types of license plates in Kentucky. I like to amaze myself by spotting a new one.

  5. VandyJ
    on
    5

    When ever I am putting away knives the though of using them in a totally nonfriendly manner crosses my mind. I can also get Nick to dodge out of my way when I am carrying one across the kitchen, so I get the gutting thing.
    You totally rock, too!

  6. ck
    on
    6

    I would LOVE a time out. One minute for every year would buy me several chapters of a book. Who do I speak to about arranging this?

  7. Julie From Momspective
    on
    7

    Woman, tell me about it. I have lost a shit-ton of weight and NOTHING fits me. Eve my boobs are gone. I went from a medium D to a very small C. I’m kind of diggin’ it since I can get away without a bra but none of my clothes fit and I know if I go shopping for new ones I’ll end up gaining weight. WTH.

  8. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
    on
    8

    I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again – YOU ROCK! Wait…what does your shirt say today? *squinting* šŸ˜‰

    I wish I had that problem with underwear – seems the more I try to send messages to my butt to get smaller, the more it rebels and expands.

  9. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    9

    it’s always nice when someone acknowledges your rockiness… Did I just make up a word?

  10. If I Could Escape
    on
    10

    You rock! And, well done you on losing weight! I still have a muffin top load to lose!

  11. robin
    on
    11

    The title of this post alone cracked me up! There really was no need to go any further! šŸ™‚

  12. Michele
    on
    12

    So what is your weight-loss secret? And you rock with or without the t-shirt.

  13. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings
    on
    13

    I thought the knife thing was normal for married couples to do. It is..right? RIGHT?

  14. Lin
    on
    14

    How come you don’t go commando when you sleep? Didn’t your mother ever tell you that you need to “breathe”?? Crissake–my mom was ALWAYS telling me that!

    Yeah, you DO rock!

  15. Mrsbear
    on
    15

    Alright, I’m still laughing at your butt tourniquet.

    A Muppet Animal tee shirt? Of course your rock. And not just because you murder squirrels so you can shit in the sanctity of your own bathroom…

  16. anymommy
    on
    16

    And your t-shirt should proclaim it every day. I need a t-shirt like that.

  17. Maureen@IslandRoar
    on
    17

    Oh my God, I laughed out loud, seriously, at the part about you and jamie picking up the knives. I would so do that. And butt torniquet? How do you come up with these gems??
    Yeah, one minute for each year would be the perfect mommy time-out, wouldn’t it???

  18. Mama Badger
    on
    18

    So, wait, you stop HASAY, and then lose the weight! Good deal.

    Shifty drawers are never a good thing. I’m glad you remedied that. Maybe that’s what’s wrong in the middle east. Their underwear don’t fit properly…

  19. Princess Stupidhead
    on
    19

    there is NOTHING worse than big panties. Except for wearing the same big panties again because you forgot to throw them away.

  20. Keely
    on
    20

    Ha! You DO rock. And I used to have that shirt, too.

    yay for saggy undies indicating butt loss?

  21. SuziCate
    on
    21

    You do rock! Your Granny panties story had me rolling! I wish I’d lost weight…mine rides up my crack because well there’s a much bigger crack now to get lost in!

  22. Pseudo
    on
    22

    If you forgo panties while you sleep and air things out, you won’t have to worry about midnight wedgies….

    And. You do rock.

  23. Cyndi at The Adventures of HarryJack
    on
    23

    Everyone *knows* you rock, with or without the sanction of the muppets. Missed you – thanx for the laughs and congrats on the new undie size! HASAY!

  24. Mad Woman
    on
    24

    Ahahaha….oppressed olives. AWESOME!

  25. alexandra
    on
    25

    The olive free or die made me laugh.

    I saw the same thing, until I stared and noticed it was a screw…

  26. Captain Dumbass
    on
    26

    I’ve always sensed that you rocked, and the gutting your husband bit only solidified that. And squirrels? Meh, they’re not endangered.

  27. Ashley
    on
    27

    This post my laugh because I completely identified it. I tend to keep panties for so long that they stretch and rip. It’s uncomfortable because like you said they pretty much fall off! It seems losing weight can do that too… šŸ˜‰

    Also, I think mock gutting is hilarious. Why shouldn’t a romantic relationship be so violently theatrical? Do you have sword fights too, yelling “En garde!”?

  28. Bano
    on
    28

    “butt tourniquet” – haaaaa!!!

    I just had a run-in with a squirrel yesterday but I think he may have escaped the ill fate yours met. I hope. But really squirrel, why did you run out in FRONT of traffic? Sheesh.

    You rock–as usual. šŸ™‚

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