There’s a machine at the gym that’s basically like the Thigh Master but in huge, machine form. Although it’s a good workout, it looks totally sexual when you’re sitting there squeezing your legs together in a room full of farty/sweaty people. So I rarely use the stupid thing, even though my thighs could use some mastering. And sometimes it’s hard to walk after a ride on the sex machine. Which sounds equally as dirty.

Jamie is a brilliant problem solver. Just last week, I noticed him vacuuming a pile of crumbs off of the counter instead of wiping them up the old fashioned way. See? Brilliant.

My kids watch Yo Gabba Gabba and love when they show kids on there doing “cool tricks”. So now, both kids go around all day showing me their own versions of cool tricks like: jumping, walking, spinning, somersaults, rolling, breathing, blinking. It’s all just enthralling to watch the first thousand times but after that I wish I could make my cool trick a disappearing act.

I sometimes text myself with reminders for stuff I need to get done. Every time, I forget about the text message and thirty seconds later when the text (to myself) arrives, I get excited that I have a new text on my phone only to get disappointed seconds later when I realize that it was just me texting me. Please tell me I’m not alone.

Modeling is tough. I bought some tip-resistant furniture brackets and noticed that the company basically killed a toddler in order to get a photo of what could happen if you don’t buy their product and secure your furniture:

That poor kid is a goner.

Jamie doesn’t believe me but I recently lost five pounds from one poop. Instead of high fiving me (like any good husband would do), he questioned the validity of our scale. The audacity. Also, I was bragging about stopping up our toilet and he said he’s not impressed because the plumbing sucks in that bathroom. Can’t a sister get any poop support around here?

Graham has figured out which buttons print a test page on our printer and LOVES it. So every time he sneaks into our bedroom, he runs to the printer and proudly prints a (wasteful) test page and presents it for all to see.

My dog wears a bark collar since she’s insane and we like our neighbors. Our property backs up to a busy road and emergency vehicles frequently cause our hound dog to howl. And get shocked. And howl. And get shocked. Over and over this stupid dog does the howl/shock/howl until one of us can grab her and throw her inside out of howl’s way. Is this why hound dogs are crying all the time? Electrocution?

You know who else is shocking? Keely. Bolt on over!

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32 Comments

  1. Maureen@IslandRoar
    on
    1

    Oh, your silly hound dog! Our dog had a shock collar. Cause she was so stubborn.
    and you’re right, that kid’s a goner…

  2. Captain Dumbass
    on
    2

    Way to go, Jamie, I vacuum the counter too.

  3. Surfer Jay
    on
    3

    After 1,100 times you cath your second wind and start enjoying it again. Although once you reach 1,103, well it’s all forced from there.

  4. Mrsbear
    on
    4

    I hope at least those parents got a nice hefty check for offering up their kid to get squished. Maybe their next one can go to college.

    5 lbs of poop? High five. I guess you could say you were full of shit.

    Wah. Wah.

    Glad to see you randomizing. πŸ˜›

    And the look-what-I-can-do-cool-tricks-stage is simultaneously cute and exhausting. I spent twenty minutes yesterday waiting for Marcus to blow a gum bubble. I wasn’t allowed to take my eyes off him cause he ALMOST had it.

  5. Jenni
    on
    5

    Stupid frickin dogs.

    I totally believe you about the poop weight loss. I mean, you even look thinner.

  6. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings
    on
    6

    A bark collar?! I need one…bad! My dog is a nutcase and drives our neighbors crazy.

    And yeah, I totally think you could lose five pounds from one poop. When my kid poops, after holding it in for five days, he loses like five or six.

  7. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
    on
    7

    High Five in the 5-lb weight loss by poop method. πŸ˜‰

    If you ever figure out the cool disappearing trick, let me know. It could come in handy. πŸ˜‰

    Princess Nagger keeps saying we need to get the dogs bark collars. I wonder if they’d get confused, though, since they wear collars for the invisible fence. They might think they’re getting too close to the line every time they get a shock for barking. I end up putting a muzzle on them if they get too rambunctious, but sometimes I let them go to town barking at the neighbors on one side, since they tend to make a lot more (annoying) noise than barking dogs. Plus their pit bull still uses our yard as his personal outhouse, so they deserve to be barked at.

  8. Elle
    on
    8

    Way to go on the 5lb weight loss.

    We have one dog that is mute until someone he doesn’t know is a foot away from him, then he lets out the loudest bark I’ve ever heard. It’s so loud it even scares the stupid dog. At least he’s quiet most of the time since we hardly ever have people over.

  9. Rachele
    on
    9

    Just happy to know I’m not the only one who weighs myself before and after pooping, lol. I usually lose half a pound. High Five on the lost 5.

    Kids tricks are excruciating…so is Yo Gabba Gabba.

  10. Gina
    on
    10

    I like that thigh master machine. At least I did he five times I worked out three years ago. But I see what you mean. Too bad you can’t work out your thighs while pooping. Love the random!

  11. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    11

    I’m not sure about electrocution, but I’m pretty sure my hound dog is stupid.

  12. Pollyanna
    on
    12

    Dirtier still – the sweaty butt print left behind. Ewwwww!

  13. Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)
    on
    13

    Your texting yourself reminds me of when I used to write a letter home when I was coming home for break at college. I used to write myself and remind me of what I want to bring back to school.

  14. Mama Zen
    on
    14

    I just want a clone that says “awesome” in all of the appropriate times!

  15. Andrea
    on
    15

    Hey why wipe when you can vacuum? Am I right or am I right?

    I email myself all the time reminding myself to do something. Then I sit there and wonder where the f all my unread emails are in my blackberry because I’ve read them all. When really it’s just me keeping my DO THIS email as new for days in the absolutely slim hope I’ll actually do it.

  16. Julie From Momspective
    on
    16

    A) I miss stalking you

    B) I hired help so that all I have to do is write and stalk you

    C) I text myself things and then forget to lock it in and then erase it. I’ve taken to just using the notepad section of my phone.

    D) I wish I had Yo Gabba Gabba to watch from the age range of 17-25. I’d have liked it a lot more. I only tolerate it because Jack Black was on it and it’s the cool place for stars to go. Like Sesame Street on acid, which is why I watched it between the ages of 17-25.

  17. Suzicate
    on
    17

    We bought bark collars for the dogs we used to have. One was smart enough to change her pitch so it wouldn’t go off. The younger one was at the top of the steps and let out a fierce bark (obviously got shocked)…scared the piss out of him. Literally. He jumped over the gate, fell down the steps, and pissed all over himself! We felt terrible…However, the neighbors were not as enamored with our dogs as we were, so the collars stayed. BTW, he didn’t bark with it on after that.

  18. robin
    on
    18

    Oh, I know that gyne machine! I always feel like I should be draped in a gown and naked from the waist down when I am on it. Which would be like, sooo not cool for everyone else at the gym!
    Happy RTT!

  19. MamaBug
    on
    19

    R.I.P., squished kid.

    Oh, the GABBA! #3 has a Muno shirt that we can’t get off him to wash. Equally disturbing are the oven mits I received as a gift that totally look like someone skinned Muno and made said oven mits. I can’t wear them now, but I kinda want to.

    Awesome 5 pound droppage!

  20. cyndi
    on
    20

    I’ll text you! I use the calendar feature on my new droid and the ourgroceries app to keep myself in line these days – so far, so good. I also couldn’t take the elation/rejection cycle of the delayed texts πŸ˜‰ Thanx for visiting and commenting, btw! Missed you πŸ™‚

    Oh, Dean bought a shorter version of that 90 day blitz and it’s got some great exercises on it – want me to send?? Our sex machine is out of order for the second time this month – someone must be misusing it, right? I remember not being able to walk or anything else – sort of an anti-sex machine at our house LOL Great job exercising!

  21. Monica
    on
    21

    You. Slay. Me. (Pardon me while I keep laughing!) -Monica

  22. Lin
    on
    22

    I need that sex machine–for excitement as well as thin thighs.

    You text yourself?? Wait until your kids start texting you–it isn’t as much fun anymore.

  23. Cat
    on
    23

    You are not alone, although I do that when I email myself links or forwarded messages from work to Yahoo. OH! A NEW EMAIL! HOORAY! Wait…

    I’ll trade dog problems. Some ass-sprinkle debarked our poor Bampa. If I ever find the douche hole who did that to him…I’m going to cut out his voice box and see how he likes it.

  24. Keely
    on
    24

    I got a spray collar for our dog and she LIKED it. Stupid animal. Waste of $150.

    At my old gym they faced the Thigh Master/sex machine towards a full-wall mirror. So you could watch your own crotch or something? Surprisingly, that machine was always available.

  25. Kingsmom
    on
    25

    Power to you the Queen pooper! A backed up toilet is like getting a first place trophy!

  26. If I Could Escape
    on
    26

    OMG I thought I was the only one who texted my list of stuff to get done to myself.

    And, whoa mamma on your amazing poop. I strangely want to sing you the Super Dooper Pooper song to you from my boys’ potty training DVD.

    PS Off to text myself a message to remind me to finish that email to you. =)

  27. Ginny Marie
    on
    27

    My husband would have totally high-fived me on the whole poop thing. He’s way more into poop stories than I am, though.

    I don’t text, but I leave myself messages on our answering machine. When I get home, I’m all like, cool! Somebody likes me! And then it’s just me calling to check in on myself.

  28. LIzgizzy
    on
    28

    I recently started vacuuming the corner of the kitchen where all the crumbs seem to migrate to – woot!

  29. Bano
    on
    29

    Oh, I know the machine you are talking about! I *hate* using it because I swear all the creepy dudes are watching/sweating/panting when I use it. Eeewww.

    Oh, and I have tried texting myself to remind myself of things, but then I just forget about the text.

  30. Mad Woman
    on
    30

    It worries me that you have found yourself married to a man who does not appreciate the art form that is pooping.

    And that sex machine at the gym? LOVE IT!@

  31. ck
    on
    31

    I’m still laughing as I picture the excitement on your face when you receive that text from yourself…mostly because I do *exactly* the same thing.

    We should probably hurry up and exchange #s before we break our own hearts.

  32. Kathy
    on
    32

    That is hilarious, the poop weightloss, I believe you. I am sure you felt lighter too.

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