March 17, 2010 4:19 pm
Nobody ever warned me that parenting would be so damn… hard. That I would feel like a failure most of the time and just struggle to keep my head above water. Yet here I am, with an almost two year old and a three year old and it hasn’t gotten any easier. I don’t blog about it because it makes me feel even more like a failure to publicly admit my shortfalls as a parent. But I started this blog as an outlet and goddamn it, an outlet it will be. Prepare to listen to me whine on for a bit. We’ll get to the lighthearted humor you’ve grown accustomed to another day.
People always tell me that I’m going to miss these days. I don’t dispute that statement but right now, I’m running on empty. Telling me I’m going to miss not sleeping and getting screamed at and physically assaulted on a daily basis doesn’t help. I’m in a funk. Funkety funk funk funk and I’m trying every day to dig myself back out of it. My kids are smart, adorable, cute, sweet and a bunch of other adjectives. But when they’re bad, they’re oh so bad.
The past few months have been one thing after another. We went dye and gluten free. The stomach flu worked its way though the house. The flu flu and croup did the same. Elliot has had a five week long ear infection that drugs just aren’t touching. And so it began. Elliot is going in on Monday for her SECOND set of ear tubes. She’s not even two yet but her first set of tubes fell out and the ear infections have been nonstop. The poor kid has felt like shit forever and her mood has certainly reflected that shitty feeling.
Saying that Elliot has been grouchy is an understatement. She has been a ticking time bomb all.of.the.time for the last several weeks. I don’t blame her, really. Her ears are throbbing, umpteen doctors have dug around in them and she feels like her head is in a vice. I would be a raging bitch too if I were in pain like she is. The problem is that she wants me and only me all of the time. Jamie is no longer good enough and she screams like she’s being murdered whenever he tries to do anything for her.
And so, I go about my days with Elliot crying to be held. Jamie tries to give me a break to shower or eat but I can’t relax over the sound of Elliot screaming for her mom. Graham has started acting out because he needs his share of attention. It’s nerve wracking. Elliot has stopped being the great sleeper we once knew and Graham is still being difficult at bedtime. It takes an hour of screaming and crying to get both kids to sleep every night and it’s draining. It drains our energy too and I often fall into bed shortly after the kids are asleep, not able to have a conversation or even think.
It’s funny… I look around at the other moms I see and some of them look so polished and poised and just happy. How are they not exhausted? Is there some magic solution that I don’t know about? Then I talk to other moms who seem to be struggling like I am and it makes me feel somewhat better. Believe me, I know how lucky I am to have these two beautiful kids. I fucking love those kids so hard that it hurts and everything in my life revolves around them. I’m just wondering when we’re going to catch a break.