Last week, I got out for an afternoon and headed to Panera to chill with my laptop. It’s sad that when I break out of mommy jail, I head out for a date with my computer vs an actual human being.

So there was an older gentleman in a suit who was taking business calls and waiting for someone to show up. When the guy showed up, the old dude jumped up and yelled “there he is!” in a crowded restaurant. The guy scared me, I didn’t know if someone was coming to go postal on the place or what.

Halfway through my date with myself, my cup slid across the table. I knew it was from the built up condensation but it didn’t stop me from freaking the fuck out a little on the inside because dude, my Coke is haunted.

So I went to the bathroom at Panera and someone had just taken a MONSTER FUCKING DUMP. There was a mother and her teenage daughter in there and after I went into the open stall cowboy style (my shirt over my nose and mouth) the mother gave me the “it wasn’t my stank ass” disclaimer by telling me the smell was there when they came in. Sure, lady.

Then I went to Ross to try to find a dress for an upcoming wedding. Some chick fartbombed me as I was coming around the end of an aisle and then she fucking disappeared and left me in her cloud. Then someone else came around the corner and gave me the stink eye like it was my rank ass who left the fart air. All I could think about were the shit particles I was inhaling and I high tailed it out of there.

I guess I could have just stayed home and smelled my kid’s shitty diapers but at least I got out for a bit.

Graham has recently taken to calling his hooded sweatshirt his “neighborhood”. So when we bundle him up to go outside, he asks for me to please put on his neighborhood and I think it’s awesome.

I’m sitting here watching an episode of Hoarders. While I could never get as bad as the people on the show, I can totally get how they get into those predicaments. I’m making a mental note to get rid of some stuff this weekend.

The other day I had a flake of dry skin on my nose that kept catching my eye. I didn’t realize what it was and thought I kept seeing something move in my peripheral vision. It turns out I need some lotion and I’m not being followed.

My mom dug one of my Cabbage Patch dolls out of her attic and gave it to Elliot. I found a newborn diaper laying around and stuck it on the half naked doll. Now Elliot rips the diaper off and brings me that stupid doll to rediaper about fifty times a day. Because I was totally looking for another person whose diaper I could change, my two kids aren’t enough.


Go see Keely, her shit don’t stank.

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30 Comments

  1. jessica
    on
    1

    remind me not to hang out with you anywhere outside of your home. My olfactory nerves could n’t handle it

  2. mrs.notouching
    on
    2

    That was one shitty day… Here is for better smelling tomorrow!

  3. Captain Dumbass
    on
    3

    The fox smells her own scent first.

    Just sayin.

  4. Mad Woman
    on
    4

    C’mon. You can tell me. It was totally you that farted in the store wasn’t it?

    I love that he calls it his neighbourhood. Too cute!

  5. Jenni
    on
    5

    I can always count on your for a good shit post. Yesterday, Oscar took a dump in his underwear and it was the size of a fucking baseball. If I wasn’t so disgusted, I’d have been kind of impressed.

    I so feel you on the hoarder thing. I’ve actually started a decluttering project mainly because of this show. Don’t you hate how they call it “clutter?” Um, no crazy, I had clutter. You have piles and piles of garbage and rotting detritus in your home.

  6. Kat
    on
    6

    If my husband wasn’t married to me he would be on an episode of hoarders. I am the complete opposite. I put EVERYTHING in the trash if it isn’t being used.

  7. Laufa
    on
    7

    Sorry to hear about your crappy self date.
    I watch Hoarders too, I have to, my kid is strarting to be one. It reminds me that I need to go through her room. I threw 3 garbage bags full of stuff away last weekend from her room.
    Just let the dolls go naked, they can’t feel the draft and don’t actually use the bathroom – less stress on you.

  8. Ginny Marie
    on
    8

    Panera! (I once called it “Pantera” and my husband just about peed his pants, he was laughing so hard.) That’s awesome! I really need some time out in the real world without the kids.

  9. Elle
    on
    9

    Is it sad that I’m jealous of your computer date at Panera? They just opened one around the corner from me and I haven’t even been there yet.

    Are you like a crap smell magnet? That totally sucks.

  10. Suzicate
    on
    10

    If you run into the stinks and have Graham with you, you can just borrow his “neighborhood” to wear as a gas mask!

  11. Harriet
    on
    11

    Remind me to never use the bathroom at Panera again….

    Have a great Tuesday!
    http://iamharriet.blogspot.com/2010/02/yesim-backthanks-for-asking.html

  12. Pseudo
    on
    12

    There is a shit theme in blog world today. Must keep that in mind as I head out the door!

    Pandera is a coffee place wit breakfast sandwiches? I think we went to one while on the East Coast.

  13. Peggy
    on
    13

    I love that you went on a solo date…sorry it was ruined by farts and shit.

  14. Mama Badger
    on
    14

    Hmmm, a poo magnet, huh? Remind me not to sit next to you. I’ve got enough of my own krappe stinking up the place.

    BTW, you’re stuck in my freaking mind! Every time I shop now I check the ingredients for dye. Along with making sure it’s high in calories for LG. Argh! Though, have you found Revolution Foods Organic Mash Ups? They’re like GoGo Squeeze apple sauce, with more flavor varieties. LG’s eating them like they might go out of style.

  15. Keely
    on
    15

    You mean that’s NOT a real date? Ack.

    “bundled up”, hehhehhhe.

  16. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    16

    Sprite was doing the same thing to her Cabbage Patch doll. We trained her doll in a few hours to sit on the potty. Diaper gone!

  17. Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)
    on
    17

    I always like to see the straw rise with root beer. I sometimes wave my hands like a magician to demonstrate that I have some mythical power to make straws rise out of the glass.

  18. Tracie
    on
    18

    At least you just had to smell the poo and not change their pants.

  19. K
    on
    19

    I spend quit a bit of time diapering a stuffed barney if it makes you feel any better.

  20. trifitmom
    on
    20

    i love going to panera with my laptop all alone. i have been a bit gassy lately due to the better eating, beans, veggies….hubby not too happy about the results.

    that hoarders show is plan freak ass scary, hubby has the potential. i have been on a big get the shit out of my house kick.

  21. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings
    on
    21

    You poor girl. You smell poop people.

  22. robin
    on
    22

    A s-t load of poop (frequency, size, amount, color, smell, you name it…) has now squeezed its way into daily discussions with my husband. I swear, we talk more about the crap than the actual baby!
    PS-I’m pretty picky about restaurant chains but Panera is pretty tasty. Their salads are good enough so you don’t feel horribly guilty about the two mongo-sized cookies you had for dessert.

  23. ck
    on
    23

    So, like, my laptop wants to know if you and your laptop want to, you know, get a Coke together one afternoon.

    (And no worries, we probably won’t even notice if you smell like an old Diaper Genie.)

  24. becky
    on
    24

    Sorry about the extra diapering. But it’s funny.

    And I have been watching Hoarders too! I too have some fear that it lurks in my genetic material. I can kind of see how it happens, with some of them. The extreme cases are just mysterious.

  25. Bano
    on
    25

    My dad has purposefully fartbombed people in the store from a rival college. That’s how much he loooves his freaking alma mater…he’ll fartbomb the unsuspecting opponent at Costco.

    I totally know what you mean about Hoarders. I watch that show and go, “Holy crap, I am like 3 steps away from being that bad!” even though that is like a total exaggeration. Mr. Clean would never let crap pile up in our house. If he ever leaves me, look for me on that show.

  26. mrsbear
    on
    26

    I would totally date myself, if the kids ever untied me. I am a prisoner. Send help.

    Sucking up stranger’s poop particles kind of puts a damper on freedom, doesn’t it?

    Hoarders has a similar effect on me. Although I also tend to find myself shouting at the television more often than usual. “Please, just throw shit AWAY.” Sometimes I lack compassion.

    Maybe it’s the lack of sleep.

  27. Maureen@IslandRoar
    on
    27

    OMG, this is too funny. There seems to be a theme going on here…

  28. Cyndi
    on
    28

    You crack me up, random girl! I have those days, too, where the smell just seems to stalk me….lately it’s more about nose-pickers. Ugh! I need to find a more polite set to hang with, huh?!

  29. Cyndi
    on
    29

    Oh, and I love Graham’s ‘neighborhood’, too. :wub:

  30. bex
    on
    30

    i don’t mind fart bombing someone else, but please don’t do it to me!!!! hahahahahahahaha!!!!!

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