Ever since we moved Graham to a toddler bed a couple of months back, he has completely lost the ability to sleep. As in waking up every 45 minutes and coming to find us. It sucks donkey balls and Jamie and I take shifts so we can each get uninterrupted sleep every other night. So now, whoever is on duty will camp out on the couch and wait for Graham’s 11-2 am wakeup, at which point we’ll spend the remainder of the night on the floor in his room so we can quickly get him back to sleep when he wakes up. I hate my life.

I never imagined myself hosting sleepovers with a three year old every night, especially without a tent and a campfire. Due to the uncomfortable nature of the fucking FLOOR, I’ve been hobbling around like a 90 year old for the past couple of months.

The other night while I was pulling my Graham shift, a mosquito started dive-bombing my head. I did the only rational thing and hid under the covers, hoping it would go away. So there I was, smothering myself in my own blanket-induced CO2 cloud to avoid being eaten alive.

Ahh, Christmas. I’m so glad it’s over. I consider it a Christmas miracle that my kids made it through the day alive since they fought over new toys the entire day long.

I impulse bought a 50% off LED cherry blossom tree over the weekend at Target. Jamie smirked when I brought it home and doesn’t think it’s half as cool as I do. Yesterday, I found the receipt and noticed that they never charged me for it. So I went back today and admitted my unintentional shoplifting mistake and paid for the stupid thing. I think that qualifies me for sainthood.

On my way to return said tree, some guy decided that I was apparently following too closely as we entered the parking lot (I wasn’t!!!). Said fuckwad SLAMMED ON HIS FUCKING BRAKES and left me stranded in the middle of the street with oncoming traffic coming my way. The dude wouldn’t budge so I pulled off onto the shoulder to get out of the way of the honking car that was speeding toward me. Then the dude rolled down his window and called me a fucking bitch. So (since my kids weren’t with me), I let my potty mouth fly and screamed “MOVE OUT OF THE WAY, YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!” and eventually he did. On shaky legs, I proceeded to Target to pay for my stolen item. My only regret is that I didn’t use one of my favorite (thanks, Captain Dumbass) go to words, Douche Canoe.

So I fear I’ve set a bad example for Graham with my shoplifting. The other day, he came home from school with a stolen pepper shaker from his classroom kitchen set. I immediately (the next day) marched him back to school and made him return said stolen item. No kid if mine is going to be a thief.

Play Doh has become the bane of my existence. I’d never let it in my house before now, but Graham got two different sets for his birthday a few weeks back. I don’t mind it so much except that the kids refuse to actually make anything with it. Instead they boss Jamie and I around to “make a star, make a ball, make a circle, make a square, make a cookie, make a triangle”, yada yada. Play Doh is the first thing Graham asks for in the morning and the last thing at night. I’ve totally turned into someone’s Play Doh bitch.

I made my mom framed silhouettes of the kids for one of her Xmas presents. It turned out pretty well, considering I had the kids sit STILL while I traced their shadows onto a piece of paper:

The first picture of Elliot actually made her look like a caveman so I’m glad I went with drawing #2:

Speaking of cavemen, Elliot has decided to start living off the land. As in eating EVERYTHING. This has actually been going on for over a year but it’s to the point where I actually need to talk to her doctor about it. She will eat dirt, sand, grass, bugs, lint, string, Play Doh, chalk, POOP, pretty much anything. The troublesome thing is that she rips out CLUMPS full of hair and eats those. So now we’re on our way to needing to surgically remove a hairball from my one year old daughter.

Are you looking for love in all the wrong places? No fine girls, just ugly faces? Check out Keely for some hot Canadian action. Or random thoughts.

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36 Comments

  1. Ginny Marie
    on
    1

    I used to sleep on Lily’s floor to get her to sleep, and it totally sucked! Not only does she have a hard wood floor which is really hard, it is over the garage and is really cold! I was also pregnant at the time…

    Lily also pulled her hair out for a while. Now she just twists it so it breaks. She has a weird sort of mullet look going on. At least she never ate her hair, though.

    The silhouettes are very cute! I bet your mom loves them!

  2. Cara
    on
    2

    look at you & your creative self. we went through the whole putting the kid back to bed every hour or so when we first moved Claire…hopefully he gets over it soon. And Carter is a total eater, too. Anything on the ground is fair game. He’s started trying to rip his hair out lately, too-usually when he’s angry. It’ll be interesting to hear what the doc says about Easy E.

  3. Mad Woman
    on
    3

    Ahahah Douche Canoe. Awesome!! I love it.

    Sounds like Christmas was a bit chaotic, what with the fighting and all. Next time? Shoplift some booze. It’ll help you get through!

  4. Keely
    on
    4

    We just bought X a toddler bed today. Crap.

    I wonder if Elliot is searching for her food dye fix??

  5. Maureen@IslandRoar
    on
    5

    Oh, the sleep thing is big. It WILL improve. I promise. Or else I will come to your house and sit up with him while you sleep. That guy in the intersection sounds like a complete dick. And especially when you were being all honest and all.
    Such great random. Maybe you’re losing sleep (or your mind) but apparently not your sense of humor!

  6. Pollyanna
    on
    6

    We turned the door knob around (and hence, the lock) on Stinkles. Kept her butt in her room at the very least. Really, it only took a night or two before she figured out that, yes, she can get out of her bed, but not out of her room to bother us. This only works if you’re not potty training at the same time. Wow, can you imagine the mess if you were?

  7. Andrea
    on
    7

    Oh I have missed your thoughts, random or otherwise! Love the tree, I can’t believe you went back. I want to say I would have too…but I’m really not sure about that one.

    Happy RTT!

  8. mrsbear
    on
    8

    Well, you know I’m familiar with the floor sleeping, hence why my three year old is still in his crib…possibly through high school. And I think the douche-wad who harassed you in traffic was a sign you should take the free when it’s accidentally handed to you in a retail slip-up. It was Target’s way of thanking you for buying crap-tons of their stuff.

    Also, whoever gave Graham Play-doh has a secret vendetta against you. Seriously, friends don’t give friends Play-doh. It’s an unwritten rule. Has Elliot tried to eat that yet? It is non-toxic, although I’m pretty sure there’s dye in it. πŸ˜‰

  9. Jen
    on
    9

    My mother-in-law had the same problem with my hubby that you have with Graham. She made him a little bed on the floor near her bed & told him that it was there if he needed to use it but not to wake her up unless something was wrong. Worked like a charm. He liked having that spot just for him if needed to be near her and he quit waking her up. It didn’t take long for him to sleep in his own bed all night. You might try that it’s better than you sleeping on the floor.

  10. Jenni
    on
    10

    Sorry to hear Graham is keeping you guys up. Hope you get some decent shut eye soon!

    And fucking play doh. I find hardened little clumps of it all over the place.

  11. Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)
    on
    11

    Call me anal but I typically liked to keep the Play-doh separate (never liked to mix the colors together).

    Hoping you get your Zzz soon.

    Thanks for your randomness,

  12. Ella
    on
    12

    Pica is a pattern of eating non-food materials (such as dirt or
    paper). Children and adults with pica may eat: Animal feces; Clay;
    Dirt; Hairballs; Ice; Paint; Sand.

    https://health.google.com/health/ref/Pica

  13. Elle
    on
    13

    Play-Doh bitch! LOL! If you hate Play-Doh, stay away from Moon Sand, also evil.

    Getting kids to sleep in their own beds is really awful. I’ve spent time on the floor and finally gave up and had them sleep in between us. A few kicks in the head, but I got more sleep than I did on the floor. Good luck. Eventuallly he will be a teenager and won’t want anything to do with you and will spend more time in his room.

  14. Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt
    on
    14

    You’re my hero.

  15. Shangrila
    on
    15

    I, too, am somone’s play-do bitch-lol! I love those cherry-blossom trees at Target-so pretty! I’m jealous! Sorry to hear about the douchewad driver and that Graham is having a hard time sleeping. We’ve had some trouble with that-when the boys can’t sleep, we “do kissing hands”, I give them my shirt to sleep with and we leave their bedroom door open, telling them, “The door can stay open unless you get out of bed. Then we’ll have to shut it.” We often wake up in the morning with a kid or two between us, which is uncomfortable, but not as painful as sleeping on the floor. Have you tried sitting beside his toddler bed and resting your head, arms and torso on his bed? I remember doing that with Winter when she was little and it was a bit more comfortable to sleep that way.

  16. Harriet
    on
    16

    Play doh is a lot of fun.

    Have a great Tuesday.
    http://iamharriet.blogspot.com/2009/12/what-are-five-jobs-that-are-popular.html

  17. Lisa
    on
    17

    Oh wow. I haven’t seen those silhouette things in a long time. Brings back memories. Horrible ones because I had buck teeth as a kid.Oh. I still do. Dang it.

    Jonathan is still sleeping in our bed. Hubby pointed out that he hasn’t slept in our bed for almost a year…or longer…he sleeps downstairs so the kid doesn’t kick him all night long. I mean we’ve done other things in the bed. . . OK. TMI.

  18. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    18

    Childlock on the door handle inside Sprite’s room. It’s the only way we get complete sleep. Keeps her in and we don’t have to worry since her room is safe. Also, a noise machine. AWESOME. Keeps her sleeping.

  19. angie
    on
    19

    sorry you are having so much trouble with sleep I have heard these episodes since my granddaughter was born 15 months ago some nights are good and others are awful now they have taken to occasionally sleeping on the living room floor campstyle when all are completly wore out

  20. Cyndi
    on
    20

    Oh, I hope 2010 is more restful! GL with E’s eating – yuckamo.

  21. Lin
    on
    21

    I like Jen’s idea–a little bed next to yours instead of you getting up and going in there. I think it won’t ever end if you keep getting up and sleeping in there.

    Em woke up at 2 a.m. for YEARS. I’d go in, pat her on the back, cover her up again, and leave. They have to learn how to comfort themselves and get back to sleep on their own. The key is the less interaction as possible to help them learn it.

    Good luck.

  22. ck
    on
    22

    Douche Canoe? Play-doh bitch? Stolen pepper shaker? Oh, how I’ve missed you (in a non-creepy-don’t-worry-I-don’t-have-your-address kinda way).

  23. Captain Dumbass
    on
    23

    Maybe she’s like a dog eating grass, just needs a little extra fibre. And as for the douche canoe, I think you should have run him down in the parking lot. You might have been able to use temporary insanity due to sleep deprivation as an excuse. If not, at least you’d be getting some decent sleep for awhile.

  24. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
    on
    24

    I remember the transition from the crib to the toddler bed all too well. It’s like they relish the new-found freedom of being able to simply get out of bed instead of having to holler for you to bust them out of their little prison. The newness will wear off…eventually… I’m with SK – childlock on the door handle inside their room. Works like a charm until they get older and figure out how to work the child lock. Then you’ll have to worry about middle-of-the-night additions to your bed with flailing arms and legs. That part still happens at our house. πŸ˜‰

    Being a Play Doh bitch isn’t fun – which is why Princess Nagger never gets Play Doh from us anymore – and if she gets it from other people we don’t remind her to put it away so it ends up in the trash all dried out…darn.

    LOVE the silhouettes you did! Yes, drawing 2 was the way to go… πŸ˜‰

    I agree with Mrs. Bear about the douche-wad who harassed you in traffic – she’s right, it’s a sign you should take the free when it’s accidentally handed to you in a retail slip-up. πŸ˜‰

    I wonder if you can feed the hairball remedy for cats to kids to deter potential hairballs? I’ll check the label and make sure there’s no dye in it and let you know. πŸ˜‰

  25. Monica
    on
    25

    Hi Casey. So sorry to hear about your son’s sleeping issue. That would totally suck. Danny’s been sick this week and also with the introduction of the new baby in the house has become, how can I say, clingy? Like a chicky monkey affixed to my neck when he wakes up in the night coughing and screaming.

    And I immediately though of pica too with Elliot as another reader pointed out. I’ve never known anyone with it but hear definitely read about it. Hope whatever it is can be easily addressed.

    Have a wonderful day and keep up the fun writing. It’s always a pleasure to read your posts! -Monica

  26. jessica
    on
    26

    I’m so happy the play-do years are gone.

  27. beth
    on
    27

    Add a third night in thr routine where u just put him back to bed qickly, silently. Trust me…

  28. K
    on
    28

    Wow…I think there is more than one reason you qualify for sainthood at this point.

    I hope the sleep thing gets better.

    When we switched my son to a big kid bed he started coming out of his room non-stop. We have since added a kid proof plastic thing to the inside of his door knob so he can’t actually open his own door. So far it’s worked great.

    I know that once he’s potty trained we can’t lock him in his room, but it at least got me through my pregnancy alive.

    Hang in there.

  29. Pseudo
    on
    29

    The irony of someone fucking with you and calling you a bitch as you drive to a store to pay for an item not rung up…

    Happy new Year you Play Doh bitch ; -)

  30. Peggy
    on
    30

    Man Casey, these kiddies seem to be giving you a run for your money lately huh?

    Well, I hope 2010 brings you serenity and sleep!

  31. Leslie
    on
    31

    Oh my God Casey – you always have me rolling! I feel your pain too! The sleep thing, the Play Doh “make a ball, make a star, make Mount Rushmore” and the asshole drivers – all of it. But I do have to say – you went too far returning the tree – you are definitely a SAINT!

  32. Becca
    on
    32

    You covered so many things in one post. I am just not that good. I think that the two things that I related to the most were the no sleep thing and the Christmas thing.

    As far as the sleep issue… I hear you and the solution I have used each time is to place a baby gate in front of the door of your child’s room. This means that they can still get up but are forced to stay in their room where they are safe. It works and you will sleep a lot sounder.

    Christmas… I agree! THANK GOD IT IS OVER! I used to be one of those people who LOVED the holidays. Now it is full of stress, cranky kids and a serious lack of sleep. I am going to plan earlier this year and hope that it all goes a little better!

    Becca

    Please visit me at http://www.askbecca.com

  33. bex
    on
    33

    my kids do that with me and play doh too. ethan, the 3 year old, demands i sculpt; mommy, daddy, gabriel, me, unky simon, etc.

    reading your inadvertent shoplifting story makes me want to blog about inadvertently getting a warrant for my arrest. not so suburban soccer mom now, am i?

    those silhouettes are AWESOME! i am so impressed! every time i am at seaworld i want to get the kids’ done but never have a chance between shamu and tantrums. how DO you DO it?

  34. Julie From Momspective
    on
    34

    Christmas is my nemesis. It involves me not getting anything, my kids getting too much and going to Upstate NY to freeze my ass off.

  35. Cat
    on
    35

    Seriously, BENADRYL. Why won’t you parents every drug your damn kids?! I don’t get it…And a word to the wise: NEVER ALLOW MOON SAND TO ENTER YOUR HOME. It’s like Play Dough plus sand plus AAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

  36. GreenJello
    on
    36

    Does Elliot eat enough iron containing foods? Go to the health food store, and buy the liquid herbal iron supplement. Give her a small dose of that each day, and see if the pica cravings diminish. Anemia is a very common cause of pica in small children.

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