Spin Cycle: A Shitty Shituation

November 13, 2009 9:42 pm

The event I’m about to speak of happened a little over two months ago. I’ve just now come to terms with it and am finally ready to share the story with the bloggy world.

Elliot and Graham are active kids by nature. They both love to test the boundaries on a second by second basis which makes every day a new challenge. Most days, I fall into a heap on the couch the minute their little tow heads hit the pillow, unable to move or think for the remainder of the evening. This day was no exception.

We’d gone to Gymboree post-nap to kill time until dinner. I was trying my best to follow the Gymboree rules and stay a “hugs distance” from my kids at all times. It’s an impossible feat though since my kids have a secret pact to split up and head in opposite directions any time I set them free. They then both find the most death-trappy pieces of equipment to scale, forcing me to choose which kid to save and which obviously unloved kid I’ll let fall to their death. I can only reach one in time so these days, I usually let Graham work it out on his own since he’s a foot taller and fifteen pounds heavier than Elliot.

On this particular day, Graham bee lined for the monkey bars. I’m somewhat of an overprotective parent who doesn’t yet let her two year old climb monkey bars so they’ve become the bane of my existence. Every fucking time we head to Gymboree, I spend the entire time fighting Graham to “get down off that ladder RIGHT NOW!”. We’ve spent countless timeouts in the Gymboree lobby over monkey bar wars and now Graham was at the top of the ladder again,Β  threatening to attempt to climb across. He went for it and was instantly stuck, hanging from the bars, unable to hold on and afraid to let go. I sauntered over and told him that he had to work it out on his own and either climb back to the ladder or let go and drop to the mats below. They were cushioned, people, don’t give me that judgy look.

So as I’m playing monkey bar chicken with Graham, I’m keeping one eye on Elliot who is across the room. I notice her chewing on something but since Graham’s the one in the death trap situation, I have to let it go until I can win the war with Graham. I forgot to mention that Elliot has a penchant for eating stuff off the floor, lint, dirt, leaves, whatever will fit in her little mouth goes right in. It’s exhausting and on this particular day, I developed a cavalier “fuck it” attitude. When I finally made my way over to Elliot, I picked her up and stuck my finger in her mouth. Out came a chewed up chunk of something. Chocolate. No, not chocolate, uh, same texture. I brought my finger to my nose and smelled the confiscated chunk. OH MY FUCKING GOD, MY DAUGHTER IS EATING A PIECE OF SHIT. Not just any shit, rogue shit from an unidentified shitter that she found who the fuck knows where on the Gymboree play floor.

I started gagging. I wasn’t sure what to do. I had only gotten out maybe half of the shit on my first finger-mouth swipe and I had to go back in for more. Elliot was grinning, happy to have gotten a reaction out of me. I swept her up and ran to the bathroom, nearly knocking over anyone who got in my way. Once there, I started rinsing Elliot’s mouth out with water and then spotted the liquid soap. I coated my hands and started scrubbing her teeth and tongue with the soap. She was completely unphased by the entire event, still grinning her impish grin while I dry heaved and scrubbed her mouth out.

The whole thing took maybe two minutes. I set Elliot down and went to tell the manager that my formerly clean daughter ate a hunk of unidentified shit. Elliot immediately headed back in the other direction and found another tiny piece but this time I was onto her. I washed her hands and the manager vacuumed the entire place while we sat there and watched.

There are no words to describe how disgusted I felt while I cleaned human shit out of my daughter’s mouth. It somehow made things worse not knowing whose shit it was or where it came from. I had a choice to make at that point. Sell my shit eating daughter on ebay or try to forget about the ordeal and move forward. I chose the latter and I decided to keep her. We brushed her teeth several times that night and It took me a day or two before I accepted any of her sweet kisses.Β  Eventually I got over it and things were back business as usual. These days, I watch Elliot like a hawk. She still finds random pieces of hair or lint or scraps of who knows what and they go straight for her mouth but I’m always one step behind her with my HAZMAT suit, ready for cleanup. At least I have this story filed away to ward off any future would-be-kissers.

Pucker up, bitches!

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  1. jenni

    oh gah, gah, blechalkdklajfkljef!

  2. jenni

    that was me vomiting all over my laptop.

  3. FoN

    Ew. So…how about that H1N1 shot NOW? πŸ™‚

  4. robin

    OMG. You poor, poor thing. I would have totally puked if that happened to me. You’ve got one strong stomach there!
    And I can’t believe the soap in the mouth didn’t make Elliot gag! At all? Not even a little bit? Looks like strong stomachs are in the genes.

  5. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    Ohhhhhhh! GAH! That is so gross and so wrong on so many levels. Especially not knowing who/what/where that shit came from.

    Since washing her mouth out with soap didn’t phase her, I guess there goes your threat to do so when she says bad words, eh? πŸ˜‰

  6. Keely

    Gah! Gah! Gah! I have a high tolerance for gross, but that is just – gah!!

    She’s cute but I probably would have traded her in. Gah!

  7. Maureen@IslandRoar

    Boy, talk about a real potty-mouth!
    There are no words to describe such yuckiness. I’ll bet even Gymbo the clown was gagging over that one.

  8. Cara

    Oh. I feel your pain. Carter is a picker-upper & eater, too. Shit included. His own & the short lived dogs.

  9. becky

    OMG. What is going ON at that Gymboree? And did some parent not notice that her child was leaving chunks on the floor?

    So gross, so so gross.

    But look at that little face! I can see why you kept her.

  10. Mad Woman

    I think I just gagged about 15 times while reading that story. Holy crap! (pun totally intended). I think I would have had to LOUDLY proclaim how disgusted I was…so that every parent could inspect their little shit droppers until the culprit was found.

  11. Peggy

    Oh Casey…I’m so sorry but bahahahahaha! That is just sick! She’s so cute though! This will make for a great humiliating story when she’s a teenager so keep it in the vault! πŸ™‚ I can’t believe you didn’t use the therm “shit eating grin” in this post!

  12. Lin

    Well, the way I see it is that she didn’t get sick or anything, so all this eating-of-things-off-the-floor must be getting her used to lots of germs. It’s a kind of antibiotic for the real world, right? I think the kids who’s mom sterilizes everything is more at risk for getting sick because their bodies aren’t able to fight off everyday germs.

    Okay, so it’s disgusting that she ate that, but she’ll outgrow it. Colin ate sand at the beach and was shitting sand for a week afterward–he survived. I was grossed out because I knew how dirty and germ-ridden it was, but he was fine. Kids do gross stuff……and they live. Dogs eat shit every single day of their lives and they like it. AND they survive.

    It’s just something to look back on and laugh about later on in life. Colin was on a kick of licking other kids back in 1st grade. I was so freaking mortified that I called a child psychologist! He’s 17 now and doesn’t lick people, so we survived. Hang in there!

  13. Andrea

    Gag, eck and OMFG! There’s not a lot I can say I’m pretty grossed out. I can’t imagine being you in that situation. You handled it FAR better than I would have, far better.

  14. kyooty

    EWWWWWW!!! I’d be leaving that gym and not returning but I’m not one to take my kids out and about much!

  15. Cat

    I don’t have kids. Let’s just put that right out there. My first reaction was almost just like yours, a little bile in my throat, a little convulsion through my soul…But then I thought, “Who really knows where that lint/bug/stick/lego/rock/crumb has been”? It’s possible those are germier than the poop. More deadly. Less sanitary. I’m not sure if that will help or make you more afraid of things on the floor, but hey – confusing and horrifying…it’s what I do!

    PS – dogs eat poop all the time and LOVE IT, so maybe she’s onto something…Or maybe her fettish porn will go viral. I’m stopping now.

  16. Gretchen

    Ack, Ack, Ack. I have no words. Which is rare. My son almost ate cat shit once, I snatched it while he was in mid bite. But somehow cat shit seems less disgusting than human stranger shit. Though I’m not really sure why. Maybe because he “almost” ate it, and I wasn’t forced, like you, to fish it all out of his mouth with my hand. Ewww. I’m so sorry. I’m glad you (and Elliot) have recovered.

  17. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings

    That is so seriously gross! I’m so sorry you had to go through that with her.

    Jonathan loves the photo of her at the bottom here. He’s giggling and pointing and saying “Loook!” He wants to see more photos so I’d better find some. Guess my kid would kiss her no matter what she’d had in her mouth! πŸ™‚

  18. mrsbear

    Aaaaaaaarrrrggghhhh. Excellent telling of a truly horrifying gag inducing tale. The chewing and the residual bits. Seriously. I’m throwing up in to my mouth right now. I will never eat another cocoa puff.

  19. Sprite's Keeper

    ACK! GAK! THWURP! (I imagine that’s how yakking is spelled.) TELL ME you got some free monthage out of them allowing shit to lay on the floor until a poor child happens upon it! Eek, yeah, that does suck. But she’s so flipping cute, the no kiss rule would be right out the window anyway, You’re linked and I’m late. Sorry, it’s been a crazy weekend but I finally have my house back.

  20. Cyndi

    Oh, sweet momma! It puts the shiver I had when sweeping up mouse poop and the decisions about how to clean the broom into a new lite….you are always so helpful that way πŸ™‚ I didn’t read all the other comments, so please excuse the repeat, but I still love her shit-eating grin πŸ˜‰ Love ya!

  21. Kendra

    Wow…it’s just like on The League. So sorry. I would have vomited instead of dry heaving. You are a saint!

  22. Karen @ If I Could Escape

    Thanks for that! I just had to put down the yummy piece of toast I was about to tuck in to and am dry heaving myself now!

    Note to self: NEVER visit a Gymboree again!!

  23. Beth

    If we didn’t stop our children from such “explorations”, I wonder what the world would be like….

  24. Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt

    I swear you’ve had more trouble at Gymboree. Glad you’ve managed to get past it. Yuck.

  25. jen

    knock on wood.
    so far. i have not experienced a child that will eat everything.
    {shudder} ugh.

  26. Vandy

    Oh ikk! Don’t we mommies get the worst jobs sometimes. I guess the cuteness makes up for it. But sometimes I wonder.

  27. Petra aka The Wise (Young) Mommy

    Oh. My. God. I haven’t been here in months and THAT is the post I come back to? what are you trying to do to me woman?

    lol. Just kidding. I love you. And your daughter’s shit eating grin πŸ˜‰

  28. K

    I absolutely would have thrown up!

    I can take a lot of gross now that I’ve been a mom for awhile, but this one would have pushed me over the edge.

  29. jessica

    here is my question: if you are within hugging distance of your kid do you not notice he took a fucking dump on the floor? What parent did not see that? I would have avoided my kid’s kisses for days as well

  30. Monica

    Wow. I can see why you needed to process that story for a while. Eeewwww! I’m going to consider it a good cautionary tale but I think one day your daughter may kill you for sharing about it. However, you can tell her that this story undoubtably saved so many other children from eating poop now that her mom alerted us to the possibility. Sounds like you handled it in the best way possible under the circumstances. Eeewww! -M

  31. A Tired Wife

    You are hereby crowned as the Queen of the Shitty Family Stories. Bless your heart.

  32. Laufa

    First off YUCK! Be careful about the hair swallowing, it doesn not digest and can get caught in the esophagus. (We are not cats, even if our little ones pretend to be.
    At least the bully wasn’t shoving the crap in her mouth. Or would that be better?

  33. Elle

    OMG! I almost got dry heaves just reading it. You poor thing!!! Blech! I’m glad you both survived. Truly an awful experience.

  34. Julie@Momspective

    Well this is an odd theme you and I have going on ROFL.

  35. Mama Badger

    I would now like to forward this blog post to every idiot who mocks me for letting my son keep his pacifyer in his mouth when he’s out of my reach. If the pacifyer is in, then he’s not tempted to taste the rest of the damn world!!!

    I’m so sorry you had to deal with this. Ewwww.

  36. Jan


    Well, you got through this okay. The teen years should be a snap.

    Okay, not really, but hey – you got through this.

  37. Cape Cod Gal

    Please forgive me. I just laughed so hard I snorted a french fry out of my nose. You have to tell that story to her prom date when she’s older. It’s better than talking about safe sex.

  38. Mary

    In high school one of my friends had a two or three year old little sister. One Easter there was an egg hunt and her mom caught her in the grass with her little basket eating what they all assumed was a chocolate egg. Until they realized it wasn’t.

  39. Kirsty @ Gone Bananas

    Oh my Fucking God! Sorry but this story called for an expletive. I would’ve puked on the spot and then gone nuts! How the heck did you keep your cool? The picture you posted was priceless too perfect for the story! *Gag*

  40. bex

    she’s spending too much time w your dogs. dogs love to eat poo.

    i did kettlenetics today for the first time. it hurt really bad. i thought of you! i don’t know how it will happen – but tomorrow i will do it again.

  41. kat

    sell the freaky kid. to the circus.

    i like that she’s all smiley all throughout.

    i agree its a nice 1st date or a prom date story, an excellent weapon against her aspiring kissers in the teen years.

  42. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    Stopping back by to wish you a Happy Thanksgiving! πŸ™‚

  43. jessica

    are you okay? YOu haven’t posted lately. Hope you had a great holiday. xo

  44. steenky bee

    Um…..there are no words. Just no words.

  45. Peg

    I’m in my office at work laughing so hard that people going by the door think I have lost my mind. All I can say (as the mother of 3 who have all graduated high school) is this too shall pass! Just wait til they are teens! I’m sorry but that was just too effing funny for words!

  46. Angelia (Texas)

    OMG! So nasty! How awful! I guess you DO have to watch her like a hawk. That manager needs to be shot! Geez.

    I caught my daughter eating a cricket. It’s leg was sticking out of her mouth.

  47. Shangrila

    Hi, you! This story…oh my goodness. I didn’t laugh until I read that you didn’t let her kiss you on the mouth for awhile-lol! Can’t blame you, dear! Are you all right? Nano is done and so I headed over here to catch up, only to see that I hadn’t missed a post (other than this one.) I hope that you’re simply too busy chasing Elliot and examining things fished from her mouth to blog right now. That sounds weird, but you know what I mean? Hope that you’re well and miss you!

  48. Zip n Tizzy

    Ditto what Shangrila said. I was missing and then realized you and I have both been out of blogging commission. Hope everything is good and that you’re just busy chasing your little monkeys.
    I had two who were speed devils too and people with sedentary children couldn’t understand why we could only go to gated parks.
    It’s exhausting, but there’s hope. They stay busy but they stay distracted longer as they get older so they slow down at least a nano second.
    Hope you’re getting some rest.

  49. Amber

    Ummmm…yaaaah…Harley said he has a cold. Forever.

    Holy crap that’s so freakin’ SICK!!! Here’s one for ya: I have a ten year old son. He knows he’s not supposed to have food downstairs but he and his sister are constantly sneaking food down there. So the other day (omg, I’m totally going to have to tell this story on my own blog. Sorry for hogging up your comment space) he comes to me and is himmin’ and hawin’ and being all…”mom, um..well…I took some Thin Mints (GS cookies) downstairs and I reached behind me to get one and I put it in my mouth only it wasn’t a cookie. (By now Tavis ((Hayden’s step-dad)) is freaking that he took food downstairs. Typical.) It was DOG POOP!!!”

    So of course I freak! Tavis continues to attempt to lecture him on taking food down there but I squashed it. Eating shit is clearly more of an issue than taking food down there.

    But you’re right. Human shit is WAAAAAAY worse! And unknown human shit? I can’t even imagine!

    I’ve missed you! I’ll be better at reading blogs. Although it looks like you’re blogging about as much as I am!

    Happy Holidays!

  50. Bano

    OH MY GOD! I had to read this to my husband after I read it!!! You are hilarious and I’m so glad you decided to share the humor in your unfortunate situation. Love the blog!

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