I just got back from girl’s night with a couple of friends. At my age, girl’s night consists of a trip to Ikea to lounge around in the showrooms and pretend we don’t have ornery toddlers at home, followed by appetizers at Fridays. It was glorious.

Oh, except for the cat. One ran out in front of my friend’s truck and unfortunately, got hit. More like pulverized. My friends were too chicken to assess the damage so I had to go and check on the poor cat and watch it twitch and bleed out in the middle of the road. It was bad, there wasn’t anything we could have done for the poor guy. Not bad enough to make me skip appetizers at Fridays though.

So Jesus has been walking around Tampa for the last few months. I’m not sure exactly where he’s going but he walks around all day, barefoot and clad in his white robe. I found this shot that someone snapped of him:

I’m thinking about springing for a bus pass for poor Jesus since his feet have got to be sore by now. I know he’s not the real deal because I saw him walking next to water one day when we all know the real Jesus can totally walk on water. Impostor. Also, the real Jesus would have brought the cat back from the dead.

Jamie told me I’ve officially become a mom because of my newfound love of coupon clipping. And the fact that I actually got a fucking coupon organizer and mulled over categories when I was sorting all of my coupons out. And resorted them several times until the categories were a good fit. Coupons are all I’ve got left, man.

I spent $130 on a pair of running shoes yesterday. Let me just say that this is THE MOST I’VE EVER SPENT ON AN ITEM OF CLOTHING BEFORE. Well, besides my wedding dress. I feel skinnier just having purchased the damn things. Is that possible? It is. Look at my ass, DAY-UM!

We’ve had a shitty-assed food dye filled weekend. It turns out that there was something hidden in the new vitamins we switched to and I was one step away from swerving into a light pole and ending it all this weekend. My kids were that bad.  Relax, I would never really swerve into a light pole. There’s no guarantee it would work.

There’s an unruly kid with dead eyes at Gymboree. Jamie told me that he’s sure the kid is “on the dye”. So now we’re walking around diagnosing other people’s kids with the food dye crazies but we can’t actually tell the parents or they’ll think we’re nuts too.

I ran into a neighbor at Target on Sunday morning and we commented how we were both up bright and early. “Oh, I had to come”, I said, “It’s the only way I can escape my family”. She just looked at me uncomfortably because she couldn’t pick up on the sarcasm in my voice.

The other day there was a guy working at the house and in conversation, he said something about duct tape. So I said, “oh yeah, like I use to tie my kids up in their rooms.” He laughed nervously and has probably alerted the authorities by now.

People don’t get me.

I got a little frisky with Jamie in the kitchen the other day and accidentally gave him a hickey. You know, cause we’re twelve. We saw my mom today and Jamie totally had to keep his sweatshirt bunched up on his neck so she didn’t catch on. Because she might have sent me to my room. Come to think of it, being sent to my room wouldn’t have been half bad as long as I didn’t have to take the kids along. Adult time out, anyone?


Until next week, stop by and give Keely a shout. Just don’t give leave a mark.

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38 Comments

  1. Captain Dumbass
    on
    1

    Maybe it’s just the picture, but Jesus looks a little chubby.

  2. Mad Woman
    on
    2

    I prefer electrical tape…it doesn’t stick to me as much as itself. Food dye sucks. I think it should be banned. But then my Cheetos would be bland looking.

  3. mrsbear
    on
    3

    I totally got a coupon organizer last month! And it took me forever to get my categories sorted out, sad thing is I always leave it at home. Did you get yours at Target? We probably have the same one, that would be weird.

    I get you. I totally get you.

    Jesus gets you too.

    And maybe squished cats.

    Also, jogging at 6:30 in the morning. I wasn’t fooling anyone. Maybe later, once my eyes aren’t gummed together, and I have a new lease on life. 🙁

    Thanks for the link.

  4. Maureen@IslandRoar
    on
    4

    You had me laughing thru this whole thing. Well, except for the cat. Too bad Jesus couldn’t get on that.
    I’ve had that trouble with people and my sarcastic remarks. I’ve gone from worrying they think I’m serious and deranged, to now playing on it a little.
    And getting sent to your room for time-out? Go for it! I just had a whole w/e to myself (the ex took my daughter skiing), and I’m a whole new woman!

  5. Cat
    on
    5

    Killing that cat was Jesus’ way of punishing you for contributing to the economic crisis with your fear-mongering about “food dyes” and “children” and “dead eyes.” Everyone knows Jesus loves Kraft mac.

  6. Melanie
    on
    6

    hahaha! This one cracked me up. My fiancee left a hickey on my neck in our post engagement “celebration” and I’ve been wearing scarves. And hoping that people notice the ring on my finger instead of the blotch on my neck. lol!!

  7. Christopher (AKA: CaJoh)
    on
    7

    Jesus walking around kind of reminds me of how Santa was being carted around in a limo and a police escort. Makes you wonder where our tax dollars are going to…

    Thank you for your randomness,

  8. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
    on
    8

    I suppose I should get a coupon organizer so I actually remember where I put any coupons I clip. As long as I remember where I put the coupon organizer, that is.

    You know that Jesus was a fraud when he not only didn’t walk on water, but he didn’t turn it into wine. 😉

    Poor cat!!

    I get you…it’s kinda scary, but I get you. 😉

  9. K
    on
    9

    I am also a coupon clipping gal. And it’s close cousin – online codes.

    And enjoy those running shoes.

  10. Shelly
    on
    10

    Sarcasm rocks so screw the people who don’t get it or you.

    Jesus should have helped the cat. If you had gotten him the bus pass I’m sure he would have.

    Never had to use duct tape on the kids. We just reversed the knobs on their bedroom doors and lock them in:)

    Adult time out? Sign me up!

  11. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    11

    Huh, I thought we became moms when the nurses handed the babies to us in the hospital and said, “Adios, the kid is yours. Now, do you mind? We have to change the sheets.”

  12. Kendra
    on
    12

    No one ever catches my sarcasm and I just sound like an idiot. Oh well…I know I’m funny!

  13. Mama Badger
    on
    13

    I’m pretty sure I became a mom on the first night when I looked around for someone to tell to shut that damn kid up, and realized that someone was me.

    And your food dye? I would have completely thought you were crazy if not for o’s milk protein allergy thing. Nobody will believe that one little thing can wreak so much havoc on a human body.

  14. Jenni
    on
    14

    I agree w/Dumbass. Jesus is looking a little porky, like maybe he’s been turning donuts into the body of Christ, or something. Perhaps he should join HASAY?

    Getting frisky in the kitchen? Hot, hot, hot!

  15. VandyJ
    on
    15

    I have tried with the coupon organizer and had good intentions of using the darn thing and then forget to use them at the checkout counter. I have to have the coupons in hand to remember to use them. Good luck with the organizer.

  16. Karen @ If I Could Escape
    on
    16

    Are you sure it’s not the statue of liberty that just forgot his sign saying “Get your taxes done here?” Heh!

    Ikea! *sigh*

    And, me too on the coupon clipping!! Where did you get your organizer coz I so need one. My envelopes are falling apart!!

    Happy RTT!

  17. Elle
    on
    17

    I haven’t graduated to a coupon organizer yet. I just keep them all in a ziploc baggy then I forget to use them.

    Jesus should have been all over that cat. Glad you had a good night out without the kids. I’m so jealous!

  18. Stacie
    on
    18

    Sounds like the night out was a blast except for the cat. LOL On the walking Jesus. I am so bad at not clipping coupons. I leave them at home. Maybe I just need to get organized and it would work out for me. LOL

  19. Jennifer @ The Circus
    on
    19

    Totally rooting for Adult Time-Outs. Even better if they happen in a room at Ikea!

    Jesus…wandering the streets. Does he actually talk to people, or just wander? Odd…

    Happy RTT!

  20. Peggy
    on
    20

    Bless you child!

  21. Ginny Marie
    on
    21

    First I read that Keely had a night out, then Mrs. Bear, and now you, too had a night out! I am so green with envy it’s not even funny.

    Great picture of Jesus, by the way!

  22. Lin
    on
    22

    I LOVE that Jesus dude! I would so roll down the window and yell “Hey! Jesus!!” and freak him out. I like to do stuff like that with the kids in the car.

    Oh! I wanted to ask you what paint did you use for that blackboard wall in your house? Do you recommend it? Was it hard or expensive to apply? I was thinking of doing that at work for a Safety Wall. They are cheap and don’t want to spend a ton of money, so I wanted to make sure it works before I go and suggest it.

    Bummer about the cat.

  23. Bano
    on
    23

    ROFLMAO! You are too funny. The light pole quip really got me.

    I have to stop reading your blog while I’m around my husband. He looks at me funny so then I have to read it out loud, but it’s never as funny that way so he just thinks I’m weird. (Well, I am. But still.)

  24. Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt
    on
    24

    Too funny. I just wish you’d take a hidden camera into the Gymboree of yours. You ALWAYS have a good story…

  25. Keely
    on
    25

    Probably because there WAS no sarcasm in your voice, admit it.

  26. kys
    on
    26

    I would love for someone to send me to my room. Or make me take a nap.

    What the hell are kids complaining about???

  27. SuziCate
    on
    27

    The real Jesus totally would’ve resurrected the cat…but glad it didn’t mess up your appetizers. funny about diagnosing other people’s kids. And yeah, I hate it when people don’t get my sarcasm, but it won’t make me keep my mouth shut until people start hiding when I come into view!!!!!

  28. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings
    on
    28

    I’ll take that adult time out. Yes! As long as I can have some with my husband. Seriously. . . how do you do it with two kids? Man! Sometimes I think my kid is not on the dye, but the sugar! He’s so hyper. He’s not out of hand, just…hyper.

    That’s hilarious about Jesus. I mean, He’s my savior, but I don’t think that’s him right there…just don’t think he’d pick Florida to hang out in. There has to be holier places right?

  29. jessica
    on
    29

    if I had a nickel for everytime I said something i thought was funny and all I got back were crickets.

  30. Laufa
    on
    30

    Sorry I’ve been MIA for a bit. So glad you have found Jesus.(LOL) He might be able to reach more people if he did have a bus pass.
    Food dye huh? OK that is a new one.
    Sardonic humor is an aquired taste.
    Maybe the dead eye kid is blind or even deaf. Wouldn’t you feel bad then.
    I have a new take on HASAY-ing. (wink wink)

  31. ck
    on
    31

    Hearts for tuesday posts! (even though I’m several days behind in my reading.)

    Seriously, Casey. You always bring it and make me laugh. I can’t even pick one thing to comment on because I laughed through the whole thing.

  32. steenky bee
    on
    32

    I saw Peter on the 1-80 off ramp last week. He’s nothing with out Jesus though.

    Skan – I was so touched and a little sad to to hear that you’ve been going through a little of what I was. It sucks. Balls. Big ones. I hope you can fight your way through. I didn’t. I didn’t battle nearly hard enough and I just sort of let it take over. I think life just worked its way out for me and said “That is enough. Stop this now.” No, wait, that was Jeremy. Well, whoever it was, it sort of helped me snap out of it….I think. If you ever need anything, let me know. I’m only 17 states away…. Big loves to you.

  33. Cape Cod Gal
    on
    33

    so what you’re saying is you’re not suppose to tie up the kids with duct tape? Who knew?

  34. Pseudo
    on
    34

    Good lord you are funny. And I’m with the Captain, what with all that walking, how did Jesus plump up like that?

  35. tattytiara
    on
    35

    Hey I don’t have kids, and I bought a coupon organizer! Of course it immediately became a coupon time capsule, but… y’know… I bought it.

  36. Michelle
    on
    36

    You had me laughing and crying at this one. The people who don’t “get” you? Not worth knowing imo. 😉

  37. becky
    on
    37

    Frisky! Hickeys!

    I love the “dead eyes” comment. I’ve seen those kids too.

    Too bad about the cat.

  38. Cyndi
    on
    38

    Holy hickey, Casey. Now, I’m rethinking my afternoon in the kitchen. My DH thanx you!

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