September 28, 2009 11:08 pm
I took Graham to the doctor last week and homeboy weighs FORTY POUNDS. He’s 2 1/2. I think I’m going to start training him for the NFL, it’s never too early.
Why do kid’s clothes have pockets? What the hell do six month olds need pockets for? Their car keys?
So last Saturday, I was grabbing a drink from the fridge when a strange shadow on the ceiling caught my eye. It was a penis. Of course, I grabbed my camera to get photographic evidence and by the time I finished loading the picture on my laptop, the penis was G-O-N-E. The only explanation I can come up with is that I’m being haunted by a nicely shaped penis who likes to reveal itself in shadow form. Anyone got a better answer?
Poor Jamie might have Swine Flu. Or the regular flu or a common cold, who knows. He’s been feverish and achy with a cough and congestion so of course, Dr. Google helped me determine that it is in fact swine flu and there’s not much we can do about it. Gotta love Dr. Google.
I hate the idea of potty trained kids since that means having to deal with disgusting public bathrooms. If I had my way, I’d keep these kids in diapers until college. Graham is at a stand still but 17 month old Elliot peed on the potty over the weekend. I might instill a little friendly competition around here to get the job done. You know, a pissing contest.
Sometimes I catch myself saying shit that I can’t believe is coming out of my mouth. We took the kids to Target today and stopped for a pretzel and popcorn. Jamie and I were eating from the same pile and the kids each had some popcorn on a napkin and Graham wanted to know why Mommy was eating Daddy’s popcorn. So Jamie and I pipe in “Mommy and Daddy are SHARING, it’s NICE to SHARE. We always SHARE our food with each other and with Graham and Elliot. Because we LOVE each other and SHARING is NICE.” We’re like a fucking PBS special in this house. Who talks like that?
Jamie and I have a lot of discussions about poop. I sometimes come back from the bathroom and describe shape and color and texture and smell while he yells at me to PLEASE GOD STOP TALKING! I guess the discussions are kind of one sided after all. Anyways, I formed a perfect captial “B” the other night and was this close from taking a picture but didn’t. You’re welcome. I told Jamie that a first grade teacher would be impressed with my poopmanship.
Tags: Random Tuesday Thoughts