I took Graham to the doctor last week and homeboy weighs FORTY POUNDS. He’s 2 1/2. I think I’m going to start training him for the NFL, it’s never too early.

Why do kid’s clothes have pockets? What the hell do six month olds need pockets for? Their car keys?

So last Saturday, I was grabbing a drink from the fridge when a strange shadow on the ceiling caught my eye. It was a penis. Of course, I grabbed my camera to get photographic evidence and by the time I finished loading the picture on my laptop, the penis was G-O-N-E. The only explanation I can come up with is that I’m being haunted by a nicely shaped penis who likes to reveal itself in shadow form. Anyone got a better answer?

Poor Jamie might have Swine Flu. Or the regular flu or a common cold, who knows. He’s been feverish and achy with a cough and congestion so of course, Dr. Google helped me determine that it is in fact swine flu and there’s not much we can do about it. Gotta love Dr. Google.

I hate the idea of potty trained kids since that means having to deal with disgusting public bathrooms. If I had my way, I’d keep these kids in diapers until college. Graham is at a stand still but 17 month old Elliot peed on the potty over the weekend. I might instill a little friendly competition around here to get the job done. You know, a pissing contest.

Sometimes I catch myself saying shit that I can’t believe is coming out of my mouth. We took the kids to Target today and stopped for a pretzel and popcorn. Jamie and I were eating from the same pile and the kids each had some popcorn on a napkin and Graham wanted to know why Mommy was eating Daddy’s popcorn. So Jamie and I pipe in “Mommy and Daddy are SHARING, it’s NICE to SHARE. We always SHARE our food with each other and with Graham and Elliot. Because we LOVE each other and SHARING is NICE.” We’re like a fucking PBS special in this house. Who talks like that?

Jamie and I have a lot of discussions about poop. I sometimes come back from the bathroom and describe shape and color and texture and smell while he yells at me to PLEASE GOD STOP TALKING!  I guess the discussions are kind of one sided after all. Anyways, I formed a perfect captial “B” the other night and was this close from taking a picture but didn’t. You’re welcome. I told Jamie that a first grade teacher would be impressed with my poopmanship.

Check out Keely’s place for less disgusting randomness.

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36 Comments

  1. Jessica
    on
    1

    I confess that last paragraph made me laugh and nauseous at the same time.

  2. Keely
    on
    2

    So THATS where the phrase ‘pissing contest’ came from.

    I can’t believe you didn’t take a fucking picture. You could have blamed it on someone else, you know.

  3. Pseudo
    on
    3

    All good stuff but that last paragraph really cracked me up.

  4. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
    on
    4

    Princess Nagger is 6-1/2 and she’s 41 pounds. But she’s been in the 10% group since she was a baby, so it’s ‘normal’ for her to be so thin. Wish I could say the same for me. 😉

    Ooooh! Too bad you didn’t get a picture…maybe it’s a ghost and Chuck (aka Mr. Frogs) could have ghost busted it for you. I don’t know, though – if it’s some sort of penis ghost he might not want to touch that one.

    Hope Jamie feels better soon – at least in a day or two he’ll have Sponge Bob to tell him his temperature. 😉

    What is it with men and their innate desire to discuss poop? When we were visiting our friends in Louisiana that seemed to be the topic of discussion more often than not. Similar to yours and Jamie’s. 😉

  5. M
    on
    5

    When you have potty training age kids around the house poop is brought up in conversation pretty often. Maybe, just not as often as in your household. You guys are a fucking PBS special. Stop it! Nothing beats a little competition when it comes to potty training. Worked for my kids.

  6. Laufa
    on
    6

    OK, EW!!! Poopmanship gross! Woman, you need to get out of the house and have real conversations with some grown-ups. Even though Poop is said no less than three times a day at my house, by my husband and randomly. Guess it is better than cussing.
    Feel better Jaime!!
    Next question about kids clothes, why do some people spends $100 on a name brand t-shirt for a two year old or $60 tennies for a 6 mo. old?

  7. Angel
    on
    7

    I LOVE THIS!!! I was laughing so hard and randomly reading parts out loud in the student center! Thanks so much!

  8. Cat
    on
    8

    There are two things you can’t help but look at: poop and nipples.

  9. Harriet
    on
    9

    Kids have pockets so they can put bubble gum in them and forget about it.
    Have a great Tuesday!
    http://iamharriet.blogspot.com/2009/09/there-really-was-lucy-in-sky-with.html

  10. jenni
    on
    10

    forty pounds! i love me a sturdy toddler.

    poor jamie – nelson though he had swine flu and it turned out to be hand/foot/mouth. crazy, huh?

  11. cyndi
    on
    11

    Holy Shit, it IS nice to share, and it’s nice to know that my house isn’t the only one where these things happen. I feel WAY less weird now, thanx :hug: I helped with the health screenings at school, and there was one K boy who weighed 33.6 pounds and another who weighed 69.6 pounds – that’s a whole child difference at the same age!! Thanx for the morning’s laughs 🙂

  12. Linwood's Girl
    on
    12

    Why are guys so sensitive about talking about poo? Isn’t that suppose to BE a GUY thing….yet they run crying as soon as you want to talk about the cool mint-green bubble gum that came out and made your poo look like a nice chocolate chip mint gellato. 🙂

  13. Krystal
    on
    13

    Ahhh the discussions of poop continue and that picture – totally hilarious!! Just check and see if somone moved the cup from the window because it looked like a left over slurpee or something (you know those cups witht he dome lids – yeah, i am THAT observant)

    And I have sometimes felt compelled to takes pics of the poop in my house too – sometimes they are just too weird.

    If you wanna talk poop – I’m your girl!!! Trust me, I have seen it in more ways than 30!

    Okay, that’s enough poop talk for now.

  14. kyooty
    on
    14

    hahha love your potty humouresque poostatic post! See I can go there too! When you have kids your brain totally gets full of poop! And what better way to decrease poop brain then to “share” see, you’re just following Jamie’s example! Sharing is nice! 😮

    Love the shadow puppet

  15. Leigh
    on
    15

    The pockets on kids clothing are to catch all the crumbs, that then turn into slime when you wash the outfit.

  16. Karen @ If I Could Escape
    on
    16

    Being haunted by a penis — that is hysterical! I’m going to chuckle at that all day!

  17. robin
    on
    17

    What, a picture of the haunting penis but not of the B-letter poop? So disappointing!
    PS- I think I’m being haunted by a nicely-shaped penis too. Talk about your conundrums! 😉

  18. WickedStepMom
    on
    18

    I don’t care what the rest of you think, the explanation for the popcorn was a good one. Especially since there is already a health dose of sibling hate in your house.

  19. Miss Angie
    on
    19

    OMG! You are so funny! I’m visiting from Keely’s and I dig that you’re being haunted by penis. Such a haunting thing sometimes right? LMAO!

  20. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    20

    Dude, I have a post coming out about how Sprite goes apeshit when John gives me something from his plate or I give him something. She freaks out and screams that we’re taking something that’s not ours.
    Oy.
    Feel better, Jamie!

  21. Andrea
    on
    21

    Sharing is nice (I wish you would have kept the last to yourself though. I vow never to eat lunch while reading your blog again…)

    I’ll send down my little one and she can join your ‘pissing’ contest. She’s a hit or miss kinda gal even when I say she’ll get an m&m afterwards.

    When you said ‘shit coming out of your mouth’ I thought you meant the word at first. And I got all excited because I was in the frozen section of the store today and saw how much something cost $8.99 and said “shit NO!” If Chicks first word is Shit we’ll know who to blame.

  22. bex
    on
    22

    you might become famous if you poop out the whole alphabet and publish pictures in a coffee table book. i can totally see you defending your book to the ladies on the View.

  23. The Stiletto Mom
    on
    23

    Silly girl, 6 month olds have pockets so they can hide mushy cheerios in them.

  24. Julie@Momspective
    on
    24

    There’s a strain of cold going around that is sending everyone to the doc thinking it’s the flu. I hope I don’t get it. Wah.

  25. mrsbear
    on
    25

    The sick in our house has been raised to an alert level orange. There is projectile vomiting, repeat projectile vomiting.

    Hope you all manage to dodge the swine flu so you and Jamie can go back to sharing about poop. 😉

  26. Elle
    on
    26

    Okay, no way to really top that post. Congrats on the perfect poopmanship. Guess we all need something to be proud of :). My son is 7 and only weighs 43 pounds. Which isn’t very surprising since I think he lives on air alone. Really sorry you didn’t get that penis shadow picture. It would’ve been so cool!

  27. Cara
    on
    27

    Dood. What kind of man doesn’t want to hear about poop? Maybe it’s just because he’s sick right now? That’s the only thing I can think of.

    And 40lbs? Holy sheeeeet. I think it’s time for G to start up his own business as a baby/toddler body guard.

  28. otin
    on
    28

    Usually when someone is haunted by a Penis, a divorce is pending! haha!

  29. Mama Badger
    on
    29

    Holy krappe? Did I read 40 lbs right? My 20 month old barely weighs 20 lbs. What do you feed that kid?

    As for poop, it’s a symptom of the ages of your kids. PB likes to tell me all about the poop he finds in diaps. I’m the one who just doesn’t need to rehash the stash…

  30. Lin
    on
    30

    I remember those days of wanting/not wanting the kids to be potty trained. I don’t think I saw a movie all the way through until last year. I was always taking someone to the washroom mid-movie. Ugh.

    I like your penis shadow. Nice. Kinda reminds me of tent camping with the kids when they were little. Em would dance naked in front of the flashlight to make us laugh outside the tent. If she ends up a stripper, I won’t be surprised.

    Nice Mr. Rogers Family Moment there in the Target, Casey. I still find myself talking like that to the kids and they are 14 and 17. Joe still points out big trucks to Colin–like he’s 3. Scary. I hope to someday talk like a real human being.

  31. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings
    on
    31

    First, that is definitely a penis. And it frightens me. Greatly. The idea of it stalking you…just um…disturbing.

    Second….40 POUNDS? My kid weighs half that. Man my kid is a midget!

  32. Niky @ Design It Chic
    on
    32

    Talking about poop size and texture?!?! this so cracks me up!!! you even have grades for it i see:))) it’s to funny!
    oh and yeah , sharing is good..(and now I’m talking about food.. just felt the need to point that out:) especially if your husband is the one to share all the sweets you have around the house with YOU:) gotta love sharing when he does it:)
    Love your random! Happy Tuesday!(technically Wednesday here already..so yeah just Happy Day!)

  33. ck
    on
    33

    You are so freakin’ funny. The title alone of this post deserves some kind of award. I might just create my own so I can award it to you.

  34. Gretchen
    on
    34

    First of all, I clearly see that penis. And it is nicely shaped.

    Second, I agree about the kids pockets. My sons latest swim trunks actually have one of those little inside pockets where you’re supposed to put your license/keys when you go swimming. I guess we could put his little First Grade ID card in it…

  35. ArtSnark
    on
    35

    Thanks for the much needed laugh. Started with your title & still chuckling

  36. Ginny Marie
    on
    36

    Kids need pockets to put CANDY in! We just weighed Lily (you know, my four year old?) last weekend, and she’s 35 lbs. She definitely takes after her Daddy; tall and lean. I think I need to put more candy in her pockets.

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