While emptying my junk mail folder this morning, an email caught my eye. The subject said “gain 3 inches!!” and I was initially confused. Why would someone want to gain inches when the focus of diet and exercise is to be thin? Ohhhhhhhh. Yeah. It took me a minute.

I completed a successful Craigslist transaction last night without being murdered. I drove to an undisclosed location and bought an easel for Elliot’s classroom. It’s worth the risk of murder to get on her teacher’s good side.

Speaking of Craigslist, this is the best ad of all time. We’ve given away a few things on Craigslist and it’s amazing what kind of idiots come out of the woodwork for free shit.

I’m too old to rock out. On the way to pick up the kids yesterday, I rolled down the windows and jammed out to old school Alanis. I was doing the funky arm dance out the window when BAM!!!!, a fucking bug dive bombed my arm and scared the living shit out of me. I managed to keep from swerving off the road but I had bug guts all down my forearm.

Yesterday, someone Googled “I need my deceased mother to talk to me” and got to my site. I’m a little freaked out by the fact that I can somehow offer advice on how to talk to dead people and I probably won’t sleep tonight since deceased mothers probably talk too much.

We recorded the sucktastic Bucs game on Sunday and watched it after the kids went to bed. I had to yell at every person I talked to that day to NOT tell me the score and I stayed off of the computer so I didn’t accidentally read it somewhere. It’s hard to stay in the dark about crap like that.

Do you remember Martin, the guy who has been mistakenly emailing me for the past year? A few weeks ago, he sent me a copy of a business proposal to look over so I felt bad and let him in on the little secret. He’d signed the email “dad” so I politely informed him that I’m not his kid. Apparently that wasn’t good enough since the bastard is STILL emailing me several times a week.

Bed sheets are evil. I sleep with a blanket but every time I give sheets another chance, I wake up with it wrapped around my neck and trying to strangle me. See? Evil.

My dog sat in the mulch yesterday and got a chunk stuck IN HER ASSHOLE. I had to pull it out before I let her in the house since it would eventually fall out and probably be eaten by Elliot if I didn’t. If you had asked me ten years ago if I’d be pulling mulch out of dog assholes, I would have thought you were nuts. But here I am. Life is grand.

Goinnnnnnnn to the chapel, and I’m gonna link Keeeeeeeeeeely.

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41 Comments

  1. Kat
    on
    1

    I pulled a piece of Play-doh out of Elizabeast’s nose one night cause I was afraid she would inhale it and die. Then Captain Dumbass reminded me that Play-doh dissolves.

  2. ck
    on
    2

    Oh, so gross…

    I wish I could say that I’ve never had to assist my dog in that manner (and I guess I probably could since there’s no real way you’d find out), but alas. You’re not alone.

  3. kyooty
    on
    3

    mulch butt? I’m sure my brainis telling me something worse.

    ewwww for the bug, good thing it wasn’t a bee or wasp, ewwwww + ouch!

  4. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
    on
    4

    Thanks for the reminder to keep my arm inside a moving vehicle – bug guts on the forearm…ewww! 🙂

    Now that is a classic Craigslist ad! I had to forward that to hubby, I know he’ll appreciate it.

    Maybe Martin is hoping you’re his long-lost daughter…if you play along, maybe he’ll leave his fortune to you. Or not. 😉

    Ewwww! Mulch butt! Luckily we haven’t had to deal with that with our dogs…just long blonde hair that they seem to ingest and cause dangling issues out the other end. I guess it’s a trade-off. 😉

    Happy RTT! 🙂

  5. Raven
    on
    5

    Risking murder to get on the teacher’s good side? Yeah, ok, I can understand that. I haven’t been brave enough to buy anything off Craigslist yet. If I had a husband I’d send him. lol

    I rock out all the time in the car and my kids are always mortified, but some songs you just can’t help it. Anytime Godsmack comes on the radio I’m rockin’ out.

    That Google thing is kinda creepy. Do you blog about contacting deceased mothers a lot? 😉

    Bed sheets are evil. I never sleep with a top sheet, just a comforter. I hate it when the sheets get all tangled around me feet and legs, though I’ve never had them tangle around my neck before.

    I knew there was a reason I don’t have a dog.

    Have a great Tuesday!

    Raven

  6. Julie@Momspective
    on
    6

    I love Alanis. I sing her every time I go to Karaoke. I wonder if I’d gain 3 inches if I took those pills…wouldn’t THAT be a fucked up wordless Wednesday?

  7. Cat
    on
    7

    Embrace your destiny, Casey. You were BORN to pull stuff out of your dog’s ass. And probably your kids’ asses, by the sound of them.

  8. Elle
    on
    8

    Our cat ate string and I had to pull that out a few days later. Boy was that fun! The cat did not enjoy it one bit! Neither did I actually.

    I think this guy is stalking you now. Kinda creepy.

    Glad you didn’t have to get murdered to get on the teacher’s good side. That would’ve totally sucked.

  9. Maureen@IslandRoar
    on
    9

    I don’t understand, I LOVE my bedsheets. I’m in them right now.
    And hear this: you are NEVER too old to rock out; that bug had it coming.

  10. robin
    on
    10

    Oh, I don’t do bed sheets either. I don’t get the point of them… you’re cold and you want to be covered up? Great, there’s this thing called a BLANKET!
    PS- Three inches? Really? Pretty, um, ambitious, dontcha think? 🙂

  11. Jan
    on
    11

    The Craigslist ad is priceless. I just sat here and giggled.

    I could have done without the whole mulch story, though. It’s just me – I gross out WAY too easily.

  12. JennyMac
    on
    12

    CraigsList…a riot.

    And that business proposal signed Dad? Too odd.

  13. A Tired Wife
    on
    13

    You make me laugh. Ha Ha Ha Ha!

    A couple years back we were in the car with friends in Florida when one of the men put his head out the window. I don’t know why he did, he’s a freakin’ MAN. Anyway, splat! He got it right smack in the forehead. Left a mark there for a few days. I laugh thinking about it to this day.

    It must be a Florida thing.

  14. jenni
    on
    14

    asshole mulch? that’s a new one.

  15. Melanie
    on
    15

    Oh! I want a random email person. I get them occasionally because my last name is the most common last name in the history of the universe, but never have I experienced a repeat offender! Awesome.

  16. Erin@TheLocalsLoveIt
    on
    16

    I think I would start messing back with “dad”.

  17. Stefany @ ToBeThode
    on
    17

    Craigslist freaks me out. I make my husband be involved with all the transactions because I am skeered.

    LMAO at the mulch. That stuff is dangerous!

    I hated bedsheets until nursing school. Hospital corners will make you change your mind.

  18. Krystal
    on
    18

    Does this mean that you need to get “dad” a father’s day present?

  19. Chef Eureka
    on
    19

    You gotta love spam mail! You never know what you’ll get 🙂

  20. Gretchen
    on
    20

    I went through a period of a couple of months when I kept getting phone messages late at night from some guy trying to reach his daughter – “Nina! It’s Dad! You are late again. You should have been home 30 minutes ago!” Eventually, I took pity on poor Nina and called the guy and told him that Nina hadn’t been getting any messages from him. I’m sure the poor girl was in deep shit.

  21. Keely
    on
    21

    I stay in the dark about that shit all. the. time. For instance, I didn’t even know there WAS a game on.

    And dental floss out of the dogs butt has to be the worst. Imagine how demeaning it is for THEM…

  22. Pollyanna
    on
    22

    That was NASTY! And I thought my kids’ poop was bad . . .

    I love, love, love Craigslist. I sell all kinds of crap. Never thought about putting stuff up for free – it would save me the hassle of going to Goodwill. Hmmmm.

  23. MelanieD
    on
    23

    The craigslist ad was great…..it’s sad that you do have to be that specific or you get some really stupid replies. Also, know what you mean about the bed sheets, not for myself but when I go to check on my kids before I go to bed, they always have the sheets wrapped around their necks……..evil…….

  24. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    24

    Digging chunks out of your dog’s butt? That’s big butt, I mean, time.. Yeah.

  25. Captain Dumbass
    on
    25

    Mulch out of a dog’s ass? Glad I took a break from painting and stopped by.

  26. blueviolet
    on
    26

    That is hilarious that at the exact moment you had your arm out the window, you got nailed with a bug. LOL

  27. Michelle
    on
    27

    LOL! The things I’ve pulled out of my dog’s ass…

  28. K
    on
    28

    I loved that Craig’s list ad. Totally worth the 5 seconds to click over.

    Funny that “dad” is still emailing you after you told him who you are (or aren’t as the case may be). Maybe there is a grateful child somewhere who isn’t having to read all those emails?

  29. shortmama
    on
    29

    I have been there with the bug thing…ouch! Be glad it was your arm hanging out the window and not your face…you know doggie style

  30. Lin
    on
    30

    Wow. Where to begin?

    Love old Alanis. Hate bug guts. Ewwww. That’ll teach you to rock out in the family-mobile with the kids in the back. Not a good look.

    Love your “Dad” not giving up on you. Sigh. I wish I had parents like that.

    And yes, the things we do for kids and animals when we are moms is freaking incredible. Hell, I did major surgery on the cat’s paw last week.

    Rock on, sister friend! Just watch for bugs.

  31. cyndi
    on
    31

    Oh, man, I can NEVER let Harry see that ad…not because it’s full of the F, but because he SO wants a cinder block after watching a CGeorge episode;-) Common, you wrote that ad, right? Is that some cosmic twin of yours? Love ya, you random girl!

  32. Michele
    on
    32

    I laughed so hard at that linked advertisement that my work mascara ran down my face. Thank God it was time to take it off. JR and I are sure that his brother put that ad on Craigslist. It sounds just like him.

  33. mrsbear
    on
    33

    Dude, I’m trying really hard not to giggle at the thought of you plucking mulch out of your dogs anus. That was definitely unexpected.

    And old school Alanis? That’s pretty funny, I was dusting CDs the other day and I plucked it out thinking I hadn’t listened to it in a long time. But right now we’ve got the Malcolm in the Middle theme song on a loop in the minivan so I don’t expect to have my way with music choices any time soon. Oh well.

  34. Mad Woman
    on
    34

    Maybe he wants to be YOUR daddy….that could be interesting. In a weird stalkerish kind of way.

  35. Zip n Tizzy
    on
    35

    That Craigslist ad is too funny, and too familiar. I had a woman call me 7 times one day to come look at a baby backpack. She kept telling me she was on her way over, over a 5 hour period. When she finally got here, she was just window shopping. What is wrong with people?
    That’s why we still have a desk in the garage waiting to be listed. I don’t know how people sell this way for a living!

    Bed sheets? Hate them.

  36. kaylen
    on
    36

    I love Alanis! She rocks the bug gunk!

    Dogs are gross-this is further proof.

    I love bed sheets – especially really expensive ones, freshly washed. LOVE them!!

    I love craigslist! “You want the blocks, come get the blocks!!!” I’ve had many, many encounters from CL and not been killed yet! (knock on wood)

  37. Lisa @ Boondock Ramblings
    on
    37

    Out of all of that I got stuck on the dog thing. PRobably because one time my dog ate the string off of something and. . . well, you know the rest. It was …. awful.

    Maybe that guy wants to be your dad? Like “Whose your daddy?”

  38. Laufa
    on
    38

    How do you find out what people have googled and ended up on your site?

  39. beth
    on
    39

    oh my I forget how much you make me laugh!

  40. Cara
    on
    40

    Dude. I wouldn’t give up on Martin. Let him keep thinking you’re someone else & eventually he’s gonna offer you something pretty suh-weet. Like, a car, or an inheritance. Or a free dinner. Or something.

  41. Bano
    on
    41

    I just started reading your blog last week and it’s GREAT!

    And I have to agree with others’ comments–many of us have had to pull random objects from our dogs’ buttholes. You are not alone.

    Keep up the hilarious work.

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