I impulse bought two trees online last weekend. Most people spend their Saturday nights out on the town or at the very least, watching a movie at home but not me. I was online reading reviews about fast growing trees to save me from having to move my huge-assed swing set to the shaded part of the yard. We haven’t used that fucking swing set in three months since my kids turn purple ten minutes into playing outside in the Florida heat.

I think I might fucking swear too much. I came to this realization when I went to yell at some asshole in traffic yesterday with Graham in the backseat. The guy pulled across traffic, causing me to slam on my brakes and I yelled “you stupid…” and realized that my little parrot was in the backseat. At that moment, I noticed that the driver was wearing a bow-tie and I finished the sentence with “bow-tie” instead. From here on out, bow-tie will replace all other swears in my vocabulary. We’ll see how long that fucking lasts.

Dear Twilight: I hate you. I have not read you or seen your stupid-assed movies and I won’t, on principle.  I’m sick of you hogging up space on the gossip sites I read and I’m sick of reading about you in the blogosphere. I’m  not sure why I’m so opposed to Twilight but please don’t try to change my mind. I mean it.

My closet tried to kill me last week. I was angrily trying on clothes and decided to remove the questionably fitting stuff from the rotation. I tossed each non-fitting garment on the top shelf to make me forget that I need to lose weight. About ten minutes into it, the entire shelf collapsed as I dove out of the way to narrowly escape sudden death. At least I got in some exercise.

Our dog usually hides from the chaos but has recently started spending his time staring intently at Jamie or me. It’s eerie, like one of those seizure dogs who just “knows” that something is amiss and must warn us in advance. Either one of us is dying or he wants a Scooby Snack.

Am I the only one who wants to punch the kid from the Olive Garden commercial in the face?

I’ve been receiving emails from this guy Martin for about six months now. They’re not spam, he’s a legitimate guy in Tampa who thinks I’m a different Casey. I fear that I’ve let it go on for too long to turn back. It’s like getting a letter in your mailbox that isn’t yours and opening it.

So I felt like a rock star last week when I hosted Keely’s RTT. Then I tried to visit all of the people who linked up. Holy fuckoli, Batman, there were a lot of damn people on that list. I don’t know how Keely does it every week and still has a life.

Jamie pooped in our bathroom the other night and then tried to convince me that it didn’t smell when I complained that I couldn’t go in there to brush my teeth. Then he tried tell me it smelled like the pot roast we’d eaten for dinner like that would make me want to vomit less if I inhaled his poop particles.

Go see Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeely. That is all.

Tags:

44 Comments

  1. Andrea
    on
    1

    Hot diggitey FIRSTIES.

    Okay now I go and read

  2. Andrea
    on
    2

    I love the email thing. Just keep it going in case this whole Jamie thing doesn’t work out (I mean the divorce rates what they are these days, the Florida heat, his smelliness and the fuckers – sorry bow-ties – in traffic, I mean crap happens you know?)

    I’ve obviously stayed up way too late, had far too much ice cream and will now remove myself from your lovely blog.

    And Happy Almost Tuesday

  3. Captain Dumbass
    on
    3

    Those bow-tying bow-tyers from Twilight are in my city filming their next bow-tie of a movie right now. I don’t give a bow-tie where they ate bow-tying sushi or that they went to the bow-tying Kings of bow-tying Leon. Bow-tiers.

  4. Jessica
    on
    4

    yesterday in NYC it was 92 and humid as all hell. I had no idea what to do with my kid in that heat of course, all she wanted was to be outside. ugh!

  5. robin
    on
    5

    So you are gonna share what’s in those emails from Martin, right? C’mon, I could use some entertainment! (Because clearly, it’s all about me!)

  6. Michele
    on
    6

    You must be in better shape than you thought since you were able to dive out of the way. I would still be buried in clothes.

  7. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)
    on
    7

    Heh, ‘bow-tie’ – I’m going to use that now, too…luckily PN wasn’t in the car with me when I had to give a bow-tie person the double finger salute when they cut me off by going around me on the shoulder as I was patiently waiting for someone in front of me to turn left. Then he proceeded to bow-tie go 10 miles under the speed limit the rest of the way. Bow-tie idiot.

    Finally – someone else who has the same thoughts I do about Twilight. I haven’t gotten their books or gone to the movies mostly out of spite. 🙂

    Your closet must be a relative of my closet – I had the same thing happen last summer…so I’ve decided to avoid doing the closet clean out this summer. I’m thinking maybe it’ll be hibernating during the winter and I can sneak in and do what I need to do unnoticed.

    You were a rock star last week – did you catch me holding up a lighter at the end of your post? No? 😉 You ROCKED going around and leaving comments representing Keely…she’ll be proud! 🙂

    What is it with guys comparing their poopy smells to what was eaten for dinner? My hubby does that all the time, too. Still doesn’t make me want to go in there after he’s smelled up the place.

    Happy Tuesday! 🙂

  8. Toni
    on
    8

    Finally I have found someone in the blogosphere that hates Twilight! lol

  9. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    9

    My stomach just turned on that last thought.
    Bow-tie.

  10. Sandie
    on
    10

    Wow…Stacy almost wrote a whole RTT in her comments! You rock, Stacy!

    I’ve had some random person sending me jokes lately. Only mine is Janet. I just ignored them the first couple times. Now I fear it’s gone on too long to ask her “Who the bow-tie are you and why are you sending me e-mails?” At least the jokes are good!

    I haven’t gotten into the whole Twilight craze either. I don’t hate them, just not particularly interested. I feel like I need to be semi-interested since both Tony’s girls are obsessed with the series.

  11. Harriet
    on
    11

    Thank goodness….I thought I was the only one who felt this way about
    twilight. Harry Potter is worse.

  12. Kendra
    on
    12

    I’m the same way about the Twilight series. I’m annoyed I’m even writing this about it.

  13. Cat
    on
    13

    It’s too late for me now, but RUN! RUN CASEY! Save yourself from the time suck that is Twilight!

    Now I’ll never be able to enjoy a pot roast again. Thanks, pal.

  14. jenni
    on
    14

    since 6AM today, one or the other of my children has been crying/whining. just letting you know. sigh.

  15. Elle
    on
    15

    Wow someone else on the planet who hasn’t read or seen Twilight. Good luck with the bowtie/swear thing. Hopefully your dog only wants a Scooby snack and hasn’t turned into some sort of zombie dog that just wants to eat your brains. Just something to think about. Awesome job on your guest posting last week. You rocked!

  16. Swoozie
    on
    16

    I have watched Twilight once……and don’t understand what all the fuss is about either. I mean it was an okay movie and all but really, people, get a grip!
    (okay, I will brace myself for the bashing…….)

  17. Ane
    on
    17

    Good luck with replacing your curse words with bow-tie! 😀

    That’s how I felt about Twilight, until I finally read it! 😀 The movie sucked though..

    Happy Tuesday Casey!! 😀

  18. bessie.viola
    on
    18

    OMG I cannot stop laughing.

    I won’t try to convince you about Twilight, because I read it and I think it’s horribly written. Also, Bella is sort of a terrible nitwit. But there is something addictive about them. I don’t know what.

    BOW TIE!

  19. blueviolet
    on
    19

    Oh yeah, you can’t brush your teeth after a poop. It’s proven that poop particles do fly through the air. They say you need to close the toilet when you flush or else you’re sending a lot more out there. You did the right thing.

    As soon as your tree grows big enough to be shady, they won’t want to play on it anyhow. 🙂

  20. ck
    on
    20

    Acknowledging the existence of Twilight is the first sign of weakness.

    Stay strong, Casey, and repeat after me: The first rule of resisting Twilight is, you DO NOT talk about Twilight

  21. Mama Badger
    on
    21

    This Twilight is supposed to be a teen thing, right? How did it seep out of their grasp. What happened to teens being secretive and all?

    I think it’s all bow-tie, too, and I will assist you in your boycott.

  22. bassackwards mom
    on
    22

    I know I am bad …. my kid says Jesus Christ, Holy Crap, What in God’s name and Oh my God ALL THE TIME… what’s worse??? I’m a preachers kid and I really should know better. HA! I must tame my tongue!! The other day he repeated ‘what an asshole’… that was the moment I prob. earned my jerry springer parent of the year award. not proud…i’ll try to do better.

  23. Karen @ If I Could Escape
    on
    23

    Typical of a man not to think his shit smells!

    And, I need to hear more about this Martin dude! LMAO DO tell!

  24. Lisa
    on
    24

    I agree with the Twilight stuff. Seriously, I could care less about it all.

  25. storyteller at Sacred Ruminations
    on
    25

    I’ve not checked out the Twilight phenomenon, and methinks I may never get around to it ;–)
    Hugs and blessings,

  26. FoN
    on
    26

    I would have a ball with that email thing. Mind you, I’d probably end up ruining ‘Casey’s’ life. Oh well.

    Jamie is cool with the poop post? Brian gets all twisted up when I even *mention* him. Even if it’s to say I think he is a major stud muffin with a giant cock. Ha! Oops.

  27. bex
    on
    27

    wow – that was random. er, i mean in casey’s language, it was fucking random bow tie!

    i have never bought trees online. well, i have never bought trees. update us on how it all goes down.

  28. Kim @ Beautiful Wreck
    on
    28

    I think Twilight the book is one of the most wretched things I have ever read. The plot line is fine, its the writing. Its horrible. The movie. I drank a lot of alcohol during it to tolerate how pitiful it was.

    As for profanity. I love it. I love to say bad words. Fuck is one of my favorites. I have five kids and love Jesus and my cussing is defnitely a problem. But I love the way those nasty words just roll off the tongue.

  29. Lin
    on
    29

    You are a riot today–what did you have for breakfast? Goofy Loops??! You had me cracking up–really.

    The email thing is weird, but my aunt had a family who sent them a Christmas card each year for YEARS. They had absolutely NO idea who these people were. But they posted the photo card on their fridge for everyone to see.

    Love the dog thing. Don’t you wonder what the hell they are thinking?? I do and it’s probably not good.

    I’m with you on Twilight–ain’t gonna EVER.

    I swear too freaking much. Em asked me one day “Could you please not swear in front of my kids when I have them, ‘cuz a swearing Grandma is not good.” Buzzkill.

    As for the stinky bathroom–what is with that??! Joe does that too, like it is a big stinky honor to wallow in his stench. And why do they do that in the one bathroom where my make-up or toothbrush is in?? Hello? Powder room??

  30. mrsbear
    on
    30

    Better late than never.

    Well, I actually made the mistake of reading Twilight and still mourn the loss of time spent in said efforts. I quite possibly loathe Twilight more than you do. So there. I win.

    My dog always comes in the room to stare at either me or Glenn but usually when he wants to eat or go outside. As soon as I tell one of the kids to feed them, he leaves the room. I don’t know where he learned English but I’m always impressed by that.

    Ew on pot roast poop. Crap that smells like a meal is not high on my list of things I want to walk through.

    My kids are still sleeping. Wish I were. Ah, bow-tie. 😛

  31. A Tired Wife
    on
    31

    I don’t get the Twilight thing either. I think Jon and Kate should be in the next Twilight movie though. That way I could match up “Who cares with Who the fu … um, I mean Who the Bow-Tie cares.

    Missed you woman!

  32. Angel
    on
    32

    I am glad I am not the only one who hates the whole Twilight thing!

    I like the emails if I wee you I would keep it up unless he tries to date you or something…

  33. Monica
    on
    33

    Casey. You. Are. Hysterical! Pot Roast!

    Wait, will it upset you if I also write, Jamie. You. Are. Hysterical! -Monica

  34. K
    on
    34

    My cat stares at me all the time too. Freaks me out.

  35. Jill@ModernMommyBlog
    on
    35

    You are bowtieing hilarious. I know this won’t convince you but come on…Twilight. I’m an addict. Sorry.

  36. Cape Cod Gal
    on
    36

    Big K tells me that his farts don’t stink. I’m like, ya right….compared to the dogs they don’t! Men!

  37. Keely
    on
    37

    I am the LAST person who’s going to try to convince you to change your mind about bow-tying Twilight. I want it to die a fucking fiery death.

    I mean bow-tying fiery death. That’s actually a more interesting visual.

    And you did totally rock with the RTT representation last week. I was tempted to just hand the keys over to you, frankly.

  38. Angie (a.k.a. miss jack)
    on
    38

    I am so in love with RTT’s that I’m thinking of doing them on my blog, but I have to keep them kid related. I’m thinking I really need to start that “other blog” I keep talkin’ about. Anyway, great thoughts! You are too funny. Made me remember why I started to read you in the first place. 🙂

  39. Krystal
    on
    39

    poop particles huh? and yeah, you quitting swearing is like me quitting breathing and swearing….don’t fight it – it’s who you fucking are – just get over your shit and deal with it!!

  40. ymK
    on
    40

    Poopy particles, yuck! I cover my mouth too when in a place that smells, afraid of the particles entering my mouth.

    I’m so glad I found your blog. You made me laugh.

  41. GiGi @ Incrementum
    on
    41

    Ok I wont convince you about Twilight. I agree that the hype is everywhere, that the actors kinda suck, that the book itself it not anywhere near the best writing out there. But-this is me being sneaky- TRY IT!
    -eek. don’t throw anything at me!-

    I swear too much too. Fuck it.

  42. WickedStepMom
    on
    42

    Bear gets e-mails from a woman in Ireland that thinks he is her son. He has told her multiple times, but still she write to his address. He just enjoys reading them now.

  43. Andrea
    on
    43

    Shoot. I didn’t pay any attention to the DATE of this post and linked myself. Cause I usually plant my link THEN read the post. So I’m here twice with last weeks RTT and this weeks…

    So that begs the question, where the heck are YOU at??

  44. Amber
    on
    44

    Seriously, dude. This was one of your best. Sorry it’s taken me forever to get over here. Harley’s been freakin’ soooooo sick!

    And I’m just going to pretend you didn’t just bash my boyfriend, Edward, all over the public internet.

    What the hell is with man shit? Seriously??? Why is it soooooo much stinkier than chick shit? Tavis poops in the bathroom that’s so damn small and then he closes the door so when I open it it’s like walking into a bow-tying brick wall!!

    I look forward to Captain Dumbass’s comments almost as much as your posts. Almost.

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