I’m Declaring War On Nature

September 16, 2008 7:10 am

Sleep is something I really try to work into my daily schedule. It’s usually the uninterrupted kind that works best for me. Having a four month old and a toddler sometimes clashes with the whole sleep plan but most of the time we manage to get by. Elliot is a great sleeper, she slept through the night at six weeks and hasn’t looked back. Her father and I in no way take credit for her sleep habits but we appreciate them nonetheless. Graham never slept through the night until he was seven months old. That’s when we decided to go binky-free and let him cry it out. We endured three nights of hell and then he slept straight through. Since our kids are pretty great sleepers, we’re used to getting a full seven to eight hours of sleep a night.

We bought our house three years ago this month. Our neighborhood is lined with big, shady oak trees and it’s very quaint. One of the things that sold us on the house was the huge Oak in the front yard. The Oak tree spans over most of the house and driveway, it’s awesome. When we moved in, we used to sit out in the driveway and look up at the tree, it was relaxing and peaceful. The following January after moving in, the Oak tree started dropping leaves. I would go out and rake them up, only to have the entire yard and driveway covered again the next day. I cursed the tree but was determined to fight the war on leaves and win. I think I actually might have won that first year.

Two years after moving in, the damned tree started dropping acorns. Jamie and I went over it in our heads and agreed that it hadn’t dropped acorns the previous two falls and we were both stumped. A quick google search had us out in the yard measuring the diameter of the tree to try to figure out it’s age. You see, oak trees don’t start producing acorns until they’re getting up there in years. The conclusion: our fucking tree had finally hit menopause. It was going through the change and was pelting our property to let us know how fucking pissed off and hormonal it actually was. The menopausal tree and it’s estrogen-laced acorns cover our entire driveway and yard. I clean them once a week and the damned thing even has the nerve to pelt me in the head while I’m blowing off the driveway. WTF.

The acorns themselves don’t bother me. Well they do, but I can live with having a messy driveway a few months out of the year. It’s when the tree decided to fuck with my sleep that caused it to become an issue. You see, both of my children’s bedrooms are on the front of the house, under the shade of our arborous friend. Every night, after we’ve all gone to bed and the house is quiet, the tree comes alive and starts pelting the side of the house. Specifically, the gutters right outside of the bedrooms where my kids are asleep. The sound is like a gunshot and has woken me (in my bedroom on the other side of the house) from a deep sleep on several occasions. We’re currently in week three of acorn-pelt-the-shit-out-of-the-house season and for the entire three weeks, my children have been waking up several times nightly.

This new development, the lack of sleep, is causing me to get very bitter towards nature. This beautiful, shady tree who I was happy to share my property with before is quickly working it’s way up my shit list. We’ve tried to work around the problem by using fans in the kid’s rooms for background noise but the acorns are just too loud. I’m tired, I’m cranky and I’m thinking about inciting a chainsaw massacre.

Without further ado, my nemesis:

Look how peaceful and serene it looks here.

Look at these unsuspecting dumbasses who just bought a house with an evil tree. Oh, to be young (and childless) again!

Doesn’t look so bad, does it? If you look closely at the tree, it kind of looks like a vagina, thus explaining the menopause.

Then at night, it turns on us.. Muhahahahaha! It actually only looks green in pictures, usually the up/down lighting make it look very cool. Ignore the glowing snowmen in the background.

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  1. Sprite's Keeper

    I think I’d like to hear the tree’s side, but I don’t like getting pelted with acorns, so I say go for it!

  2. HeatherPride

    Oh no! I love the tree but I love my sleep even more, so I say anything that messes with that has to die.

  3. Krystal

    heck – i am not a fan of nature much – let’s just say that Poinciana fronds are not nice on a car that was just washed and they got stuck there with the overnight dew and baked on with the wonderful South Florida sun!

  4. Zip n Tizzy

    Beautiful tree… hope she eases up on you after her hot flashes calm down.

  5. Keith

    Where I used to live, in Phoenix, we had citrus trees. Oranges, lemons, grapefruits. These trees are common in Phoenix. Picking up citrus after is falls is what we had to contend with. And then you also have to deal with roof rats if you have a citrus tree. The fucking roof rats climb the tree for the citrus, then hops onto your roof and eats your roof. It’s crazy I tell you, crazy!

    Keiths last blog post..No Mas Hospital

  6. Kiki

    You have won an award! Come over and check it out and then pass the award along to some other blogs you think are worthy!

    Pick Up Award

    Kikis last blog post..I Got An Award

  7. Katie

    Get that tree some frickin hormone suppliments, a facelift, and a glass of wine.

    Katies last blog post..Dear Sayde,

  8. Kath Lockett

    Hmmm, if only someone could invent a roof covered in felt, and some legal and non-addictive sleeping pills for kids!

    Kath Locketts last blog post..

  9. mrsbear


    I mean, poor tree, poor sad tree. Maybe covering that side of the house in some sort of Nerf like material will muffle the acorns. Ooh, or maybe bubble wrap could work. I’d be pissed too if it was waking the kids and exposing itself pornographically in the front yard.

    I didn’t tag you today, but I gave you an award. Take it. 🙂

    mrsbears last blog post..More Quirksome Facts You Could Do Without

  10. Miss Jack

    I like to think I am one with nature as well, but if something or someone wakes my kids up from their sleep…it’s war! I become evil and give a look that can kill. I’m so bad. I’d say; “Rest in peace tree, one of you has got to go and I love my kids too much.” 🙂 Good luck! I’m really sorry you have to deal with that night after night.

    Miss Jacks last blog post..Survey…

  11. Jared

    Maybe you could buy a bunch of pet squirrels and set them free in the tee to eat all of the acprns before they fall? Nah..then the squirrels would probably keep you awale. 😀

    BTW: Your tree has the biggest vagina I have ever seen. 😀

    Jareds last blog post..Propeller Girl

  12. Patty

    Maybe you can sell the acorns for crafts! I have a little pixie doll with an acorn hat. 🙂

    Your story gave me a great smile though. Thank you for sharing.

    Pattys last blog post..Halloween is Fast Approaching!

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