This is my second week joining the Spin Cycle crew over at Sprite’s Keeper If you’re not familiar with the Spin Cycle, you should really check it out and participate since it’s for a good cause. Well, not really but it’s fun. This week’s topic is embarrassment. I thought about reposting this, but that’s cheating and I’m not a cheater.
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Some women view pregnancy as the most beautiful thing in the world. They take photos of their pregnant bodies, wear sundresses and have body molds made. They walk around with a smile on their face, happy to have perfect strangers touch their blossoming bellies. In our childbirth class, the women went on and on about what a great experience they were having while their beaming husbands rubbed their shoulders and nodded in approval. I’m not sure what exactly they were smoking but those woman were fucking nuts.

I enjoyed some things about pregnancy, like feeling my unborn baby kick, but mostly my pregnancies were the most disgusting and stressful times in my life. When I was pregnant with Graham, I was so sick that I puked all day every day. I lost thirty pounds during the first few months until we were able to figure out what medication stopped the nausea. I even ended up in the hospital for dehydration at one point because I couldn’t stop throwing up. Good times. The nausea lasted the entire pregnancy but thankfully, I only got sick if I forgot to take one of my pills.

We quickly got the nausea under control for my second pregnancy since we already knew what medications did the trick. About halfway through, I was diagnosed with something called polyhydramnios. Basically, I had about double the amount of amniotic fluid as a normal person. The ultrasound tech told me to imagine a normal baby with a normal sized swimming pool in the womb, mine had an Olympic sized pool. Obviously, I’m such a good mom that I was already providing her with the finer things in life. My doctor kept a close watch on me by having me go to weekly ultrasounds and fetal monitoring since there were several health concerns. I googled the condition and freaked myself the fuck out on more than one occasion.

With all of the extra fluid, I was effing huge. HUGE. I had a really hard time keeping up with my toddler, I was unable to get off of the couch without assistance and unbeknownst to me, I made strange groaning/grunting noises whenever I moved. The week before Elliot was born, we decided to go out for one last hurrah. We got a sitter for Graham and headed off to our favorite restaurant. Since we rarely get to eat out, we asked if there was a booth available. The hostess was nice and cleaned one off in our honor. When I went to sit down, I literally got stuck. My fatass self was too big to fit in the restaurant booth. It was one of the ones with the table attached to the wall, so I couldn’t slide it over to make room. Jamie was making a scene and we were both laughing our asses off. People stopped to stare, the women in pity and the men for amusement. Since we had specifically requested the booth, I felt bad reneging on our seating contract. I shushed Jamie and squeezed myself sideways into the booth. I ate the entire meal sitting sideways and had to have Jamie pull me loose when it was time to leave.

A few days after the restaurant episode, my doctor decided to induce. It was two weeks before my due date, but I was roughly the size of a whale and my fluid level continued to go up. When the doctor came in to break my water, everyone got serious. The nurse, who had seen my fatass stomach and read my chart, got a shitload of towels and sheets and two of those big bed pans. My doctor got the big crochet hook and went to town. I worried about spraying my doctor in the face so I was yelling at her to get out of the way but she assured me it had only ever happened to her once and she would be careful. We heard water start trickling out. It kept coming, and coming, and coming. Jamie was behind the doctor making faces at me so I started laughing. The nurse started laughing and then the doctor. The doctor leaned on top of me with all of her weight, squeezing me like a tube of toothpaste for a good two minutes. We were all still hysterical, the doctor laying on top of me and the fluid still flowing. The fun only lasted a few minutes but my doctor later told me that she’d only ever had one other patient with more fluid than me. I think I’ll put that fun fact on my resume.

Thankfully, I’m done being pregnant. Twice was enough and I enjoy the end results so much more than the journeys it took to get here. I can now chase my kids around without getting winded. I can sleep at night without having to pee six thousand times. I’m back to being the size of a normal person and can now fit into most restaurant booths, although I need to stop eating out so much or I’ll be back in the same predicament.

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10 Comments

  1. feener
    on
    1

    wow. i love this post. i have been in the throws of thinking bout number 3. so many of my friends just had their third and they are all thinking i am next, problem is i have the morning sickness all day and night – throwing up as well. it sucks the LIFE out of me AND my second baby was colic and i had ppd and didn’t know it and was crazy. i don’t want a third enough to go through all that. i was feeling like the only one, but thanks to you i am not. OH and with my second i had LOW AF…opposite of you.

  2. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    2

    I think we had identical pregnancies! I had a surplus of amniotic fluid as well and Sprite kept sitting breech. I wanted to get her turned, but the doctor said it would be like Sprite was kicking off the wall in a pool, so c-section for me. I was also on Zofran for nausea from week 7-week 24. (Expensive, but WORTH IT!) You’re linked! (Love the title!)

  3. mrsbear
    on
    3

    Really, pregnancy is miraculous and all, but 10 months is way too long to feel like shit 24/7. I cannot even imagine having to throw up that often. My last couple of pregnancies I had weird joint issues, so that as they progressed I’d develop a gimp left leg, and grinding pelvic bones. Good fun. That amniotic fluid story is hilarious and disturbing at the same time, all that fluid and a room in stitches. Great post. 😀

  4. Jaffer
    on
    4

    Wow ! I sure learned a lot new and I think now I’ve a new kind of respect for expecting moms.

    Thanks for dropping by my blog.

    Cheers !

  5. Debbie
    on
    5

    In the end – it’s all worth it though, isn’t it?

    *giggle* Ok, that was silly. How’s this: in the end – it’s most of the time worth it thought, isn’t it?

  6. Krystal
    on
    6

    LOL!!! OMG – I thought I had bad pregnancies – you beat me with this story. Glad this is my last one. Funny though – hubby tells me that by now the babies should just be walking out aka Stargate.

  7. Arwen
    on
    7

    What a story! I agree that people that think pregnancy is great are nuts. I didn’t fit in resturaunt booths when I was pregnant either, and I didn’t even have an excuse (other than being pregnant).

    Arwens last blog post..Spin Cycle: Stage Fright

  8. HeatherPride
    on
    8

    Oh my goodness. Poor you. My first pregnancy was hellish as well and I still can’t believe I decided to do it again! Luckily my second one was so much easier – but then we ended up having the baby 6 weeks early! So we’re done too. Ugh! I always wanted to be one of those cute, glowing pregnant moms. Never happened.

    HeatherPrides last blog post..Diary of a Childless Mother: The First 36 Hours

  9. Lisa (Jonny's Mommy)
    on
    9

    Wow…that is some story and yikes..that is a lot of fluid. Thinking of all that went with my pregnancy is why I’m holding off on No. 2….

    I was HUGE when I was pregnant and looked so dumb because I am so short. If I had fallen, they could have rolled me down a hill and I’m not kidding. Someday I may post the fat, pregnant me on my blog..but probably not. It is toooo frightening. And I’m not being sarcastic!

    Lisa (Jonny’s Mommy)s last blog post..It’s Daddy. D.a.d.d.y. Daaaadeeeeeeee!

  10. anymommy
    on
    10

    Okay, you had me cracking up with the doctor and the water. That is so awesome that you and your husband had your sense of humor abotu it all. I’m going to bet that a little after she finished squeezing you and getting all that water out, things got a little less fun for a while. But, as you said, the end result is the fun part.

    anymommys last blog post..First Born

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