Dear PETA, I’m Sorry (Kind Of)

March 19, 2009 9:16 am

I went to Busch Gardens yesterday with my visiting cousin and her daughter. We had perfect weather, it was in sunny and in the mid 70’s so it wasn’t too hot to stand in line for the rides. I rode a few roller coasters which I’d be happy to never ride again, it all goes back to my theory of being old. My cousin (who is ten years my senior) and her daughter (who is ten years my junior) seemed to have no problem keeping up as I choked back the urge to vomit while I was in a metal death mobile being shaken around like a rag doll. I tried to play cool instead of parking my ass on a bench and waiting for them to go on the rides without me. I made it through mostly unscathed and lived to tell about it. Needless to say, I came home last night and crashed hard, going to bed around 8:30 and remaining there until morning.

The last trip I took to Busch Gardens didn’t end so well. I was around fifteen and it was the first time my parents ever let me go somewhere sans chaperones. I went with three of my friends, two guys and my best friend at the time. We were having a great day until we stopped to have a snack. We decided on cotton candy from one of the street side vendors and went to make our purchase. I was the last in line so my friends had already gotten their sweet treats before me and had strolled a few feet away to dig in. As I walked toward them, an army of seagulls made their attack. Those fucking winged rats swooped down and were trying to get my cotton candy. They had me surrounded, so as any fifteen year old would do, I started screeching and madly flailing my arms. I was hopping around like a lunatic trying to scare them off. My friends were all in the distance looking at me with shocked faces but obviously not too concerned to help.

That’s when it happened. As I was jumping and kicking and flailing and screaming, my right leg came down on a bird. He started squawking in pain and running around in a circle. One of his wings was broken and it was twisted around the wrong way pointing straight up. I watched in horror as the other birds sensed ass-kicking-danger and took off. My friends did the same, those assholes took off running in different directions and left me standing there, the lone bird murder. I had the urge to run too but decided to face my fate and own up to the killing.

Park employees quickly appeared (those people are EVERYWHERE, especially when you don’t want them to be) and assessed the bird’s situation. The poor (formerly evil) thing was still squawking and running in circles. I translated his squawk to mean “oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, this fucking hurts, oh fuck”. The rangers told me that they would have to “put him down”, and they actually got a plastic bag to put him in and whisked him away. DEAD BIRD WALKING. I’m assuming they were smart enough to take him out back and off him vs doing it in front of a crowd of park goers but I didn’t stick around to watch. Once they gave me the go ahead (by not shackling me with hand cuffs), I decided that my time there was done and hauled ass to find my friends. We remained friends for several years, even though they ditched me in a time of crisis.

Yesterday’s trip paled in comparison to my last trip. No birds were killed, no lions attacked, nothing. I told my cousins the bird story on the way over so any time a bird got near during the day, they would warn it to scoot or he’d be lunch. The closest I came to violence was when my cousin bought a bag of popcorn and several seagulls swooped down to try and get a taste. It only took a look before they remembered me and flew off. I guess my reputation proceeds me in the seagull world.

*Note: Although I enjoyed a few laughs at the dead bird’s expense, the bird was harmed on accident and I felt terrible for years afterward.



  1. Cat

    i wonder waht seagulls taste like?

    Cats last blog post..i’ve got negative street cred now

  2. Julie@Cool Mom Guide

    Okay, I love that you only have one tag-Murder. It makes me want to say it in a slightly British villain voice.

    Julie@Cool Mom Guides last blog post..Think Thrifty Thursday with Bargain Briana!

  3. Sprite's Keeper

    Dude, some blame has to rest with the bird. When a crazed flailing girl is swinging her cotton candy willy-nilly, it’s time to get the hell out of there. That’s what wings are for. Instead, he decided to enjoy the show and ended up in the splash zone, er, the splat zone.. (You should be laughing. That’s comment GOLD right there!)

    Sprite’s Keepers last blog post..It Will All Make Sense Tomorrow..

  4. Peggy

    I loved the gull translation! Best ever!

    Peggys last blog post..Now That’s Just Obnoxious…

  5. Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)

    I have to agree with Jen – some blame has to rest with the bird… 😉 I loved the gull translation, too! Hilarious! So glad you weren’t traumatized for life after stepping on that bird…or were you? 😉

    Stacy (the Random Cool Chick)s last blog post..Thousand Words Thursday – Free Showers

  6. HeatherPride

    Well, it was stupid enough to stand there during your war dance, so obviously that is Darwin’s theory at work and the bird had to die. Poor seagull. At least it didn’t live to generate another generation of stupidity.

    HeatherPrides last blog post..Fat Girls Club, Week One: Slow and Steady Wins the Race, Right?

  7. Captain Dumbass

    They ditched you on a seagull killing, but would they do the same if you whacked a person? There’s the true measure of friendship.

    Captain Dumbasss last blog post..He Blogs/She Blogs: Um… you know, stuff

  8. ck

    I can’t imagine that.

    Yes I can. My dog caught a pigeon in Philly once. We were thrilled (because pigeons suck) but then realized that she killed it (she’s a retriever, after all) and we had to do something with it.


    cks last blog post..the top 10 things that should be avoided

  9. jenni

    how on earth does this kind of crap happen to you?

    jennis last blog post..It is so ON!

  10. Beth

    Beware,though. Those flying menaces remember and aren’t prone to forgive.

    Beths last blog post..Changing One’s Pace of Life

  11. FoN

    Wow, that sounds like something that would totally happen to me. Actually, I did once kill a bird while riding a bike really fast.

    FoNs last blog post..Kicking it Old School

  12. bex

    you poor thing! you have such terrible luck when it comes to animals! between the birds attacking you and the dog attacking you … if you ever come over to my house i will crate my dog and lock my cat in the closet (where she is all of the time anyway). did you ever see Failure to Launch with the uber-hot matthew mcconaughey? you remind me of him in that movie!

    bexs last blog post..FFF: Run girl, run!

  13. Katie

    You made it’s wings and legs fall off you evil murderer? Oh wait, that was me and my hermit crabs.

    Katies last blog post..Ode to Hermit Crabs

  14. Robin

    Hey listen. That thing effed with you first. Dems the breaks! 😉

    Robins last blog post..Oh, Baby! Baby!

  15. Cape Cod Gal

    I would have freaked out if I did that. I get upset when I have to trap a mouse.

    Cape Cod Gals last blog post..Red Neck Girl

  16. CDB

    Oh my gosh, you have the craziest animal stories.. first the miniature Kujo who took your nose off, and now this?

    My first thought was, “served the damn thing right, going after someone elses’ cotton candy like that. Get your OWN,” but then I think I would have felt horrible as well. HOpefully he’s been laughing from bird heaven ever since.

    CDBs last blog post..Writer’s Workshop: Keep it Clean!

  17. GreenJello

    Killing a seagull isn’t murder.

    (But I would have felt horrible, too!)

    GreenJellos last blog post..Big Hair

  18. K

    Oh – I hate seagulls (there was an incident on sixth grade picture involving my hair and bird poop), but I would feel bad for him too.

    Glad your most recent trip was fun.

    Ks last blog post..I Won!

  19. Lin

    OMG! I cracked up at your story!! Why do I always find your animal tragedy stories so funny?! Gees, that was awful, but the stupid bird had it coming. I mean, would you cry if Godzilla got a broken leg while he was stomping on folks in Japan? No way. They’d be all “It’s his own damn fault” and go on cheering and stuff. That’s just how it is birdy. Although, I am secretly glad that it wasn’t me that it happened to. Maybe you should have just stepped on it’s neck and put it out of it’s misery.

    Lins last blog post..Positive Polly and The Minnows

  20. Zip n Tizzy

    Sounds like both trips had your stomach up in your throat.
    I was with a friend once when he ran over a seagull. He was so devastated. He said he’d previously made a promise to himself that he’d stop driving if he ever hit an animal, but he didn’t. We still went up to the city. Can’t remember what he did with the bird.

  21. Keely

    YOU didn’t kill it. The park officials did. I’m pretty sure a dedicated staff could have nursed it back to health.

    I hate fair rides too. Blech.

    Keelys last blog post..Also, I’d say don’t go see any movies with Dennis Quaid in them. Except that one, but that’s just to humor your future husband.

  22. anymommy

    Busch Gardens – memories. I used to live near the one in Virginia. So funny, that is just plain bad luck, for your foot to be quicker than the darn flying rat. You won’t believe this…in college I stepped on a bird walking across campus. I’m pretty sure it died. It was a little cute chirpy one. Actually, it practically committed suicide flying under my foot.

    anymommys last blog post..She Gets It! (Part III)

  23. Lisa (Jonny's Mommy)

    I would feel horrid too! What a horrible accident! That poor bird! but it isn’t like you did it on purpose. It just happened and the other birds seemed to be attacking you.

    If you ask me, your friends sucked for leaving you….But you guys were kids and kids do dumb things all the time. Again, not that that excuses it…your friends sucked!

    Lisa (Jonny’s Mommy)s last blog post..The Old Pine Tree

  24. mrsbear

    You and my dogs make pretty efficient bird assassins. At least you didn’t eat the bugger. Sounds awful, but I’m with everyone else, that bird bought it, swooping in and wedging himself under a foot, he might as well have flown in to a jet engine. I’ve never been to BG myself, but me and Gabby are going to Islands of Adventure next week on a field trip, I plan to ride as many roller coasters as I can, hopefully I won’t puke or have a heart attack, which I do actually worry about. 🙁 Cause I’m old.

    mrsbears last blog post..Wordful Wednesday – You’re Going to Get Wet

  25. Sammanthia

    The next time you decide to go to Busch Gardens, call me and I’ll go with you. Everyone else can go on the rides and you and I will sit on a bench and make fun of people when they walk by. It’ll be FUN!

    Sammanthias last blog post..Happy Birthday, Ryerson

  26. Sarah

    Oh my God I am laughing so hard…so sorry!! : ) Did you ever read my story about how I sat on and killed the fmaily bird when I was 7….hehehehe Great story!

    Sarahs last blog post..The Game of Life

  27. Toni

    Wish you had been with me in New Orleans and the “lovely” birds caused me to spill my overpriced beer all over myself!!!

    Tonis last blog post..Don’t Forget to Win Some Fiber One Bars

  28. ChurchPunkMom

    ugh.. sea gulls. they don’t even deserve to be members of the bird family. nasty little scavengers. they used to attack our courtyard at lunch time in high school.. so much so that all us little California babies had to EAT INSIDE. stupid ‘birds’.

    ChurchPunkMoms last blog post..Operation World Domination

  29. Kirst

    OMG we are both murderers! When I was 14 I went to the beach with my friends and we had the same thing happen, flocks of seagulls (not to be confused with the group “flock of seagulls” We started swatting at them with our shoes to get them to go away. No one meant to connect with a gull, but one of us did and the bird was injured. We were boo’d off the beach by other beach goers, it was a long walk of shame since we chose to be close to the water.

  30. Shangrila

    Oh! My sister was driving once with me in the car when a cat darted out into 3 lanes of traffic. We were in the middle lane and Nat had no where to go but over the cat-we both cried our eyes out. Sometimes a girl’s gotta do her worst-no shame in it. I’m glad that the winged rats wised up and left you alone this time-lol!

    Shangrilas last blog post..Spin Cycle: There is No Write Way

  31. sherendipity

    Oh my God, you have a Murder “Tag”. How awesome is that?

  32. Sandie

    Glad to hear that no animals were injured in your latest adventure!

    Sandies last blog post..Italy or bust!

  33. Debateur

    Wow I’m sorry about the sea gull that must have been rough.

    Debateurs last blog post..Contest Winner

  34. Ferd

    I am so glad that in my old age I retain good sphincter control, because I would have wet myself at the ““oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, this fucking hurts, oh fuck”. The rangers told me that they would have to “put him down”, and they actually got a plastic bag to put him in and whisked him away. DEAD BIRD WALKING.” You kill me. And birds.

    Ferds last blog post..Sunday Scenery

  35. Lydia @ On The Verge

    Thanks for all of your kinds words and support. I really appreciate it.

    Lydia @ On The Verges last blog post..Not Me Monday

  36. sherendipity

    This post was featured on the Connoisseur du Jour Sunday Funnies

    sherendipitys last blog post..Burnin’ Burnin’ Burnin’

Leave a Reply

Fatal error: Call to undefined function live_preview() in /home2/halfucom/public_html/wp-content/themes/studiopressblack/comments.php on line 114