Mr Bedside Manner

September 13, 2008 7:13 am

On Friday morning, I went to the periodontist to have a not-so-nice procedure done in my mouth. I’ll spare you the back story but let’s just say it involved splicing, drilling, hacking and stitching. I even got to wear a pair of Terminator glasses to block the pieces of bone fragments and blood from going into my eyes. This party was all courtesy of some very poor dental work done by my former dentist, a woman who I would gladly punch in the throat if I ever ran into her again.

When I was done being maimed, the hygienist cleaned me up and gave me an ice pack and list of post-op instructions. As I skimmed through them, I noticed the paragraph entitled “Activities.” It read:

“Rest. Plan to rest at home the remainder of the day of surgery and the following day. You may read, watch TV or work at your desk at home. When sleeping, elevate your head to decrease swelling. After 24 hours, you may return to normal daily routine, but avoid strenuous activities such as heavy lifting or exercise programs, which elevate your heart rate.”

BWAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! Rest? Avoid strenuous activities? I told the woman I was going to laminate the form and put it on my fridge since it was a free pass to go child-free for the remainder of the day.

Jamie worked from home since I would be offline after the surgery. In theory, it was a great plan. Shortly after getting home, the numbness wore off and the pain set in. I took some Tylenol and decided to veg on the couch, keeping the ice pack on like a good patient. Nurse Graham came over to see how Mommy was feeling. He proceeded to steal my ice pack, tear off my blanket, rip the pillow out from under my head and climb on top of me, kneeing me in the face more than once. You can tell the boy really cares about his mother.

When the kids went down for a nap, I decided that I needed one too. I took my ice pack and went to sleep for an entire two hours. Two glorious hours. I woke up sweating my ass off and in extreme pain. Apparently I had forgotten about that whole “elevate head” thing and had slept directly on the wrong side of my face. Ouch. I broke down and took a pain killer, something I was trying to avoid since blackouts and childcare don’t exactly go well together. Jamie sent me to the bedroom to relax since Graham and painkillers don’t mix. I hung out there for awhile and then came to help out with the kids since I felt guilty leaving Jamie with both kids and work to deal with.

Graham needs all-mommy-all-the-time these days so it’s virtually impossible to relax in his presence. I’ve decided that in the future, I’m going to check into a Four Star rehab center for any and all medical procedures. Pap smear? Checking in. Dental cleaning? Checking in. Uh oh, I have a hangnail, I’m going to rehab. Why is it impossible to relax around a toddler? At what point will the kid learn to just chill for a minute and give his parents a break?

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  1. tifRN

    wow, way to start of my day with the feeling of bile in my throat. i can do all sorts of medical things, as an RN, but i absolutely can’t handle anything teeth. eeewwwwww. thanks for stopping by at rapture, and i wish you all the luck with your rehab!

  2. HeatherPride

    You kill me. I’m with ya, man. Before my son was born I had had almost zero medical procedures. Then, after he was born, suddenly my body rebelled in the most tragic of ways. By far the worst was the kidney stone episode, during which my writhing and thrashing on the couch while screaming curse words at the top of my lungs completely freaked the crap out of my son and scarred him for life. My husband thoughtfully removed HIMSELF from the situation and sat upstairs on the computer the entire time. If I had been able to climb stairs, I would have gone up there and broken the keyboard over his head.

  3. anymommy

    Ouch! You poor thing. Recovery and toddlers DO NOT mix. I had an appendectomy last year and wasn’t supposed to lift anything over ten pounds for 21 days. Ahahaha. Right. I hope you feel better soon and, um, I’m all over the rehad thing. In fact, I think I feel a hang nail coming on right now….

  4. bingskee

    you’ll wait til he stops being a kid 🙂 it feels so helpless to be in such a situation and you feel guilty at the same time. be well.

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