January 14, 2009 7:00 am
I remember it like it was yesterday. It was three days ago, so that helps. It was already dark outside and Elliot and I were in her room winding down for the night. We were rocking and singing and enjoying the moment as I snuggled her closely and kissed her sweet head. The fan hummed in the background, creating the illusion that we were somewhere else. I was getting sleepy from all of the rocking when I heard the screams. “Help. HELP. HEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPP!!!!” I listened closer to see if it was just Jamie and Graham playing their nightly game of chase. There was a sense of urgency in the screams and I knew they were serious.
I jumped up from the chair, clutching Elliot tightly. We crept into the hallway to see Jamie holding Graham midair. “I’ve got POOP. It’s everywhere. EVERYWHERE. There’s some on top of my left foot and on the bottom of my right.” I didn’t believe him so I looked down. Sure enough, there was a chunk of shit on top of his foot and he was holding his other foot in the air, standing flamingo-style. A very impressive move while holding a thirty-two pound toddler in his arms. The poop-adrenaline must have given him super human strength to be able to stand like that and not topple over.
“I don’t know. He shit and somehow lost containment. It’s everywhere and I walked through it before I realized what had happened.”
I looked around to see little smeared shitcakes spread across the carpet. In the carpet. On my new Ikea kitchen rug. We had just gotten home a few hours ago and unpacked that new rug. The poor rug didn’t do anything to deserve being shit on.
“What should we do?” asked Jamie.
“Uh, clean it up,” my smartass self replied.
After I wiped the shit off of Jamie’s feet, we agreed that the garage would be a good place to clean the kid off . Jamie carried poor Graham and his sagging shit-filled diaper out to inspect the damage. I grabbed a diaper and a box of wipes and went to town, doing an impressive mid-air diaper change while Jamie held him in place. When I opened the old diaper, it dropped like a rock and landed on the garage floor with a thud. That’s when we saw it. Bright green shit. It looked like someone had filled his diaper with guacamole.
“What the hell is in there?”
“Shit. Green Shit”
“I know, but wtf did he eat to get shit that color?”
We all went inside with our now clean child and racked our brains, trying to think of what he could have eaten. We slowly went through each menu item that had been ingested that day and had nothing. We had been on the road for the past thirty hours so there were several different places where we had eaten. Then I remembered the Fruit Loops that he had inhaled at the hotel’s breakfast buffet that morning. Graham had turned up his nose at everything else we offered him , as a last ditch effort we offered up the sugary goodness. He had never had them before and he happily gulped them down. Don’t judge people, we were on vacation. Now those wonderful loops of heaven were smeared in my carpet after escaping through the other end.
While Jamie bathed Graham, I spent the next several minutes combing through every inch of floor space we own. I had to steer Elliot away from the high poop-traffic areas and cleaned up several poop splatters in the process. This weekend will be spent shampooing the carpets to remove any remnants that I may have missed. Those Fruit Loops made a lasting impression on this family. Somewhere in this story, there’s a lesson to be learned. Whether it’s avoiding feeding our children sugary cereal or to look where you’re walking, I’m not sure. What I do know is that Poop Foot is real, I saw him with my own two eyes.