Ho Ho Who?

November 26, 2008 7:00 am

We took a trip to the mall earlier in the week to meet up with a friend and kill some of the afternoon with the kids. This is the secret handshake friend I wrote about awhile back, we usually try to meet up once a week. Today we got coffee and then wheeled our kids around in their strollers while we chatted for awhile.

My secret handshake friend is Jewish, and we were discussing the upcoming holidays and how we plan to celebrate. The mall was surprisingly crowded with pre-holiday shoppers. Not to go on a side tangent but it annoys me to no end when people:
1) Walk on the wrong side of the aisle (stay to the right, we’re in America).
2) Walk under the mall speed limit (which in my head is at least 3MPH).
3) Turn and walk directly in my path, forcing me to stop short and almost run them over.
4) Go to the mall in the first place. Stay home, people. The economy is in a rut, save your money.

Ok, tangent over. So we’re walking along when some asshole stops in front me and I almost run into the fucker. It’s Santa. Fucking Santa is in the mall and he broke mall rule #3. SH Friend and I stop short and look at him and he does the same. He starts waving at my two clueless kids and my friend’s two Jewish-non-Santa-believing-in kids. I was baffled and looked over to see Santa’s place with a “be back in 15 minutes” sign up. Apparently Santa was headed off for his afternoon whiskey break. Anyways, all of the mothers and kids in line were staring over at Santa with anticipation and he stopped to wave at our uncaring brood. I politely said something like “Oh look guys, it’s Santa! Hi Santa!” before wheeling around his drunk ass and continuing on our walk. I was a little baffled by the whole experience. Who expects Santa to pop around the corner and start waving in their faces? I sure didn’t.

Graham is going to be two in three weeks. He doesn’t have many character obsessions, save Blue’s Clues and Barney. He doesn’t watch Sesame Street but loves Cookie Monster and Elmo from books he reads. Santa? The kid has no fucking clue who that freaky assed fat guy is. I realized this last week while we were at Target and we picked up a few Christmas books so Graham would at be able to put a name to the face. Sure we’ll play the whole Santa gig up for him but I think he’s still pretty young for that sort of thing. I could be wrong but we’re not going overboard with Christmas this year.Β  Graham’s birthday is five days before (yes,Β  we got him double the presents, the kid isn’t going to get screwed out of gifts, don’t worry). I figure next year we can start doing the whole magical Christmas experience, once the kids are old enough to understand a bit more.

That day at the mall was very strange to me. That fact that Santa singled out the four kids in the place who couldn’t care less about him was awkward. I felt pretty bad for the poor bastard since we greeted him with stunned looks, but I’m over it now. Besides, Santa is probably still sleeping off his hangover on a park bench somewhere. It takes a lot of liquid courage to scare little kids all day like that.

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  1. Sprite's Keeper

    Beat ya, Dee!
    My little Jewish girl knows who Santa is. If it’s red, it’s either Elmo or Santa. We’re putting up the tree and leavng out cookies (sugar free since Santa MUST be diabetic) and he will leave a gift for Sprite under the tree if I have to strong arm Rudolph to make it happen. My kid will celebrate Christmas and I will live vicariously through her! (As it should be.) (I think I just summed up a post I have in the works. Please ignore this comment!)

    Sprite’s Keepers last blog post.."Mommy’s Here"

  2. Debbie

    My mall pet peeve … when groups of people insist on walking shoulder to shoulder and there are six of them. You can’t get around them and of course, they have to walk at a snail’s pace because actually they are just talking, not much interested in shopping. And then when the conversation gets really good – they will just stop – completely stopping traffic.

    I hate the mall. I’m working on my online shopping list today.

    Debbies last blog post..Ewww! Make It Go Away!

  3. DeeMarie

    What’s up with calling me out, SK? I’m not always First!! πŸ˜‰
    I hate the people who are chugging along at 3mph (I totally agree that this should be regulated) and then they just stop. I usually run into them. Whether I may have had time to stop or not. You block my path, you suffer the consequences!!

    DeeMaries last blog post..Thanksgiving Thanks… Day 6!

  4. GreenJello

    I just hate the mall. Why go there in the first place when I have the convenience of www? πŸ™‚

    GreenJellos last blog post..Wordless Wednesday

  5. Corina

    I think my son would have started crying.
    I share your pain with having a child with a birthday so close to Christmas. Sweetie’s is the 16th. I don’t skimp on presents for her either, but it makes this time of year even more hard with money. Especially with expenses like a chimney falling down.

    I hate the mall too. But sometimes I can’t force myself to pay the extra cash to have it shipped, even if so much more convenient. Maybe I have to give up being so damn cheap if it saves my sanity.

    Corinas last blog post..Looking for the HP Magic Giveaway?

  6. jenboglass (steenkybee)

    Whoa. (I am fully clothed, don’t worry JAMIE!) Graham’s birthday is that close to Christmas? Henners due date was the 21st, but his birthmom wanted to be induced and selected the 13th as her date. It’s hard with their days so close to the holiday. And I gave you a high five from Utah. I have the same mall rules. Costco Zombies are much worse. Also, Henners won’t go near Santa. He’s terrified. He’ll just hang out in the back and yell, “Santa! It’s me, Henry!” and wave.

    jenboglass (steenkybee)s last blog post..The Spin Cycle: I’m Thankful You Even Tolerate Me

  7. HeatherPride

    Oh my gosh, Santa scares the crap out of Logan. For last year’s mall pic Logan made Skip and I jump into the shot at the last minute. Neither one of us were exactly photo-ready. That will be a future post of mine as well!

    HeatherPrides last blog post..Car Smarts

  8. mrsbear

    We do the whole “Santa” thing only as far as keeping up the rouse of the fat guy magically smuggling gifts in the middle of the night, and I’ve never really felt 100% great about it. It’s just a big hoax, and I always feel like such a fraud making up reasons why Santa can’t buy $300 dinosaurs or a new WII or whatever. We never do Santa pics just cause I think it’s a little creepy to put my kids in some weirdos lap just to get a snapshot. No thanks, I know my in-laws think I’m depriving them of some fundamental kid desire to get photographed with Santa. If that’s true, then they can take it up with their therapist some day.

    mrsbears last blog post..Then When You Least Expect It…

  9. Toni

    Haa haaaa funny post. I know. Hunter b-day is in less than 2 weeks and it is little overwhelming the gifts he receives in one month. I try to put some away and pull them out through the year.

    I am curious if Hunter will pose with the fat guy this year he did great last year but didn’t know better.

    Tonis last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – 28th Edition

  10. goodfather

    TOP 10!!!!!!!

    Yeah, if I had the Santa gig, I’d definitely be a bad Santa. I couldn’t handle it sober.

    goodfathers last blog post..Spin Cycle: Giving thanks

  11. jenni

    we’re avoiding santa for as long as humanly possible.

    jennis last blog post..Hangin’ Tough

  12. Heather

    HAAAA! I always thought Santa was pretty creepy too. Never felt the need to put my kids through the Santa Mall scenario. And what….are you fricken crazy to go to the mall this time of year?

    Heathers last blog post..Dr. Pepper blues

  13. Michele

    Santa in a book = Okay
    Santa in real life = creepy

    It’s brave women who’ll go mall walking during the holidays.

    Happy Turkeyday!

    Micheles last blog post..I had nothing until the coffeemaker exploded

  14. Krystal

    Santa does not go over wll in my house. they like him but will smile and wave from afar.

    Krystals last blog post..unbelievable and unforseen tragedy

  15. bessie.viola

    This is hilarious. I hate mall Santas… always makes me think of the Christmas Story. “HO HO HOOOO!!!” We have a Santa House in our area that’s set up beautifully, and that’s where we’ll be taking Maddie. Hopefully we’ll avoid the scarring of the ordeal. πŸ™‚

    bessie.violas last blog post..holiday magic

  16. cyndi

    Oh, shoot me, Santa love abounds here! We all have hats, they’ve worn them since they were 1. I’ve been distraught for about a month because the amazing Santa at ‘our’ mall is not there this year – sort of the freaky one you mentioned. I am scouring the area to find the ‘real Santa’ they know and love. I dread the questions that I’m sure will come up this year, but last they said great things like “Santas don’t cry” while drying their tears – hope we can keep them believing in the giving and not so much on the sham aspect….hoHOho. Happy Thanksgiving! May it be full of as many blessing as you can handle, dear friend!

    cyndis last blog post..The Harry Shuffle

  17. Katie

    It’s so funny that this happened to you. Lennie and I were in the mall with only Ella a few days back. Santa popped out on us from the restroom. And I (who am used to having my 2 older kids with me) was all “LOOK! IT’S SANTA. WOW!! HI SANTA” and then realized that I was talking to a 5 month old and looked like a total moron.

    Katies last blog post..Bag Tag

  18. Lydia @ On The Verge

    You named every reason why I don.t do the mall! Have a great Thanksgiving!

    Lydia @ On The Verges last blog post..My First Giveaway!

  19. carrie

    Mall santas freak me. I think of “Bad Santa”, which I think was an awesome movie.

    carries last blog post..Shower Singing by Eli (26/30)

  20. Jessica Bern

    My first thought was oh, Santa must be on his way to take a pee pee. Maybe that is b/c I feel like that is all I ever do.

    As far as the mall rules. In NY, MINIMUM 5mph and if you need a cane or a walker, well every man for himself.

    Happy Thanksgiving.

    Jessica Berns last blog post..FLYING THE UNFRIENDLY SKIES

  21. Jim

    Santa always freaked out my son. He’s still a little unsure about him.

    You forgot those people that stop and talk in the middle of an aisle. They’re gems.

    Jims last blog post..Spin Cycle: What I am Thankful for

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