iPoop

October 6, 2008 7:00 am

Those of you with children (I’m assuming most people reading fall into this category) know about the infamous “shit up the back” phenomenon. Your kid has a blowout of such proportions that it not only fills the diaper beyond capacity, it also shoots up the poor kid’s back and sometimes even reaches their head. What you’re about to read involves a very.shitty.situation. If you’re at all disgusted by poop stores, please click away.

With our first born, we were shocked by our first SUTB situation. We cleaned our son, his changing table and soaked his clothing in hopes of saving the garment. For the record, shit DOES NOT come out of clothing, at least not in my experience. With our second born, we knew what to expect. We are rarely surprised when faced with SUTB and are experienced in the wipe and toss. We no longer try to save the shit-stained clothing and it goes straight in the trash.

Shortly after Elliot was born, I was home alone with BOTH children for the first time. Being alone with two kids frightened me (I know, I’m a wuss) so I was already on edge but I had no idea just what was in store for me. The three of us were playing in Graham’s room and I was sitting in a chair with Elliot. I had my knees up and she was sitting in the crook of my legs when I heard a movement.Β  A machine gun fart with the A-Bomb finale. And then there was warmth, oh so much warmth. Elliot had completely missed her diaper and crapped straight DOWN MY SHORTS. Yes, straight down my shorts. I was now alone with two children, one of which was covered in mustard yellow poop and I had poop in my crotch. Needless to say I freaked the fuck out. I grabbed a shirt out of Graham’s drawer and wiped as much shit off of me as I could then got Elliot cleaned up. Shortly after the blowout, I put her down for a nap, put on Blues Clues for Graham and took a shower to scour my skin.

We’ve had a few blowouts since then but none so bad until tonight. Elliot and I were chilling at my computer desk playing a game of “Mommy’s gonna eat your foot!” and laughing like crazy. I heard a little movement but I thought it was just air. We continued our game but a few minutes later, I smelled a foul odor. I pulled Elliot’s diaper open to peek in and there it was, mustard poop. When I let go, it snapped back and SHIT SPLASHED IN MY EYE. IN MY EYE!!! I yelled for Jamie to take Elliot and I ran to the bathroom to clean up. It turns out that liquid crap splashed up my nose and embedded itself in my eyelashes. As I type this, it’s four hours later and I can STILL FEEL SHIT IN MY EYE. I know that it’s probably all gone but I have phantom iPoop.

———————————————————————————–

Jamie snapped this photo shortly before the incident. I’m pretty sure Elliot’s entire foot was in my mouth at that point. Yes, I’m rocking my fish boxers. No, I don’t put actual pants on most days. I work very hard to maintain my haggard mother appearance.Β  The messy desk adds to that appearance.

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25 Comments

  1. cyndi
    on
    1

    Oh.I.am.SO.sorry! I’m laughing just a little because it amazes me that we can talk about this stuff, survive this stuff, and still love them. Seriously, is your eye ok now? It seems like that might be potentially-medically-hazardous? Hope both of you are better today. And I love the haggard mom look, it’s all the rage around here πŸ˜‰

    cyndis last blog post..Black and White

  2. DeeMarie
    on
    2

    I don’t have children but I’m still very experienced with these situations. When my nephew was a week old, he threw up, peed, and pooped on me, all within a matter of 10 minutes. But I didn’t get in my eye… I can’t imagine how long it takes before the phantom iPoop goes away!!!

    DeeMaries last blog post..How To Waste a Saturday

  3. feener
    on
    3

    yuk, i know we had some poop that literally flew out at me like a machine gun one time. ughhhhh.

    feeners last blog post..I DID IT !!

  4. Sprite's Keeper
    on
    4

    Bwahahaha! Sorry, I HAVE to laugh! Last night, I was checking Sprite’s diaper and her poop KNOCKED when I pushed in on her tushy. I found myself wishing for the softer pre-toddler days. Your post reminded me not to look a gift poop in the eye.

  5. Sandi
    on
    5

    hahaha I can so relate. I have four daughters and yeah, been there done that…many times.

    Sandis last blog post..The Falling Leaves

  6. Christy
    on
    6

    OMG–yuck! Yes, I remember that happening and I am thrilled to not EVER have to deal with that again! Luckily, those situations didn’t occur very often, but why does it seem like when they did, we were always out somewhere & it was extremely difficult to clean up? And for the record, I just threw poop clothes away. I wasn’t even going to attempt to save the outfit!

    Can you use Germ-X on your eye? LOL Probably not if you’d like to keep your vision, eh?

  7. HeatherPride
    on
    7

    Wow. Best story I’ve heard in a long time. I have tears from laughing so hard. When I brought my son home from the hospital he was a geyser of poop, every time we changed his diaper. I mean he could shoot poo for a good four feet through the air – on his stuffed animals, on the curtains, on the wall….

  8. April
    on
    8

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. oh, if we threw away every outfit that was shit on, my kids would be nekkid. try oxyclean, works for us πŸ™‚

    Aprils last blog post..Would You Like Some Raspberries With Your Burrito?

  9. Krystal
    on
    9

    Lady – I have been where you were. I hate those days but they are the best stories to use as embarassment later!

  10. mrsbear
    on
    10

    Oh. My. God. Poop in your eye definitely beats out my crappy finger dip the other day. I’m still reeling from the reality that you got poop in you EYE. Your open eye? Really, there’s got to be a potential for infection there.

    mrsbears last blog post..Not Fitting

  11. Krystal
    on
    11

    you have just been awarded – again!!
    http://mommysescape.blogspot.com/2008/10/i-am-so-honored-thank-you.html

    Krystals last blog post..I am so honored! Thank You!!!

  12. jenboglass (steenkybee)
    on
    12

    Phantom poop in the eye! Phantom Poop sounds like an awesome villain in a children’s cartoon or something. I must say, that with child #1 I never experienced any blowouts. He was always a kind and courteous pooper. But with child #2, not so much luck. She knows how to cook ’em and make ’em messy!

    jenboglass (steenkybee)s last blog post..The Five Spot

  13. Miss Jack
    on
    13

    I think we’ve all had some pretty shitty days….ha ha! No pun intended! Hay, at least you have a nice pedicure! πŸ™‚ Thanks for the encouragement to write for the Spin Cycle. I hope I have a story to tell for the next one. As for work…it’s going well. I LOVE getting out of the house. However, yesterday I was on for 8 hours! Way too long to be out of the house, but at least the long hours are only on the weekend. Oh, and I told them I had to have one day on the weekend off. I don’t want to be slaving away both days! Take care of yourself. Here’s mud…er, I mean shit in your eye! πŸ™‚ I need to get some blogging done tonight. Talk to you later….

    Miss Jacks last blog post..Things Kids Don’t Mind (that Adults try to Avoid)

  14. Krystal
    on
    14

    okay, i dunno why your tracker says I’m from Port St. Lucie – not even close! Just thought I’d share

    Krystals last blog post..I am so honored! Thank You!!!

  15. Lisa
    on
    15

    Holy crap.

    Yuk and yuk and yuk..and yuk.

    I so feel for you. I’m fairly lucky. My kid only vomited on me…big time..soaking me and the chair we were sitting in. Good times.

    Lisas last blog post..What are you doing in the bushes?

  16. jenni
    on
    16

    Just when you think that as a parent nothing could possibly gross you out, you hear about iPoop. Well done.

    jennis last blog post..Bloggy Love

  17. dani
    on
    17

    Hahaha Too funny…Unfortunately I know it all too well…:)

    danis last blog post..10/2/08 Poor, Poor, reporter man…

  18. Petra
    on
    18

    Been there, done that, got the tee-shirt.

    However, you have not had a poop experience until you have had POOP IN THE MOUTH!!!

    yes, I have, and yes, it is not fun…

    Petras last blog post..Just Call Me Mrs. Jackson–Humor Carnival Post # 1

  19. simply anonyMOM
    on
    19

    hahaha That’s not funny…OK yes it is. HEHEHE

    I hope your eye is feeling better!

    When you can see again, hop over to my blog and see the award I gave ya!
    http://simplyanonymom.blogspot.com/2008/10/thank-you-jenera-and-mimi.html

    simply anonyMOMs last blog post..Thank you Jenera and Mimi

  20. simply anonyMOM
    on
    20

    OK I do not know if my last comment posted. I am having a slow day today.

    Anyways, when your eye is better hobble over to my blog and see the blog bliing I am giving ya!

    http://simplyanonymom.blogspot.com/2008/10/thank-you-jenera-and-mimi.html

    simply anonyMOMs last blog post..Thank you Jenera and Mimi

  21. Heather
    on
    21

    LMAO!!! At least you weren’t out in public. Those are the worst. “This soon will pass” as my mom use to say. And then you can look forward to pee all over the toilet…two boys…yeah, lots of pee all over the place!

    Heathers last blog post..Should I stay or should I go?

  22. Lydia @ On The Verge
    on
    22

    I can’t tell you how many of these incidents I have had with four children but never in my eye! How is your eye? Totally Toddler gets out crap stains. I can only seem to find it at Babies R Us.

    Lydia @ On The Verges last blog post..Monday Meme

  23. Kiki
    on
    23

    LMAO!! Oh my god, that is so gross! I have been there (even got it in my hair once) but never in my eye. I actually haven’t had to deal with a SUTB episode in a long time, and for that I am grateful πŸ™‚

    Kikis last blog post..What Would You Do?

  24. Katie
    on
    24

    Oh, that really sucks!! My DD peed on me 3 times this weekend, but I’ll take that any day to those awful diapers we’ve definitely had our share! YUCK!

    You crack me up, I need to add you to my favs list.

    Katies last blog post..Anger Management – Spin Cycle

  25. Sandie
    on
    25

    Yuck!!! I’ve dealt with many SUTB diapers, but thankfully never had to iPoop! I’d probably STILL feel the phantom poop and it’s been awhile since I’ve had a new born in the house!

    Sandies last blog post..The definition of insanity

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